A Farewell to Rodney Van P. Before I Delete Him Forever

"Are you familiar with the book 'Double Penetriciton'?"

I have a confession to make. I am guilty of the sin of censorship. I know, I know. It's hard to believe that I, purveyor of vagina in a can posts, would be holding anything back. But it's true.

What I have been hiding from you are the romantic propositions of one Rodney Van P. (kinda his real name.) I thought it was to protect your delicate sensibilities, but I now realize I was wrong and perhaps have been preventing you from experiencing your own Beautiful Love Story.

If you don't know Rodney Van P. (and how could you, due to my cruelty?), he is a frequent poster to the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page. No matter what the topic, he has his own spin to it, generally him offering to "eat kitties."

Here's what Rodney had to say about a post during Bad Sex Week.

"Ive never had any bad sex with married women and love to orally please their bodies eat their pussies and screw them and eat them out again after sex, So add me you horny married women please."

I thought you would not want to hear this, so I deleted it at once. But was I wrong? Were these the sweet sweet words you've been longing to hear?

I'm so so sorry. Just because he is not appealing to me (his Facebook list of favorite books includes: "Double Penetriciton," "Fuck Books!!!" and "Fuck My Ass." And everyone knows that "Double Penetriciton 2: Even More Penetriciton" is the far superior book) doesn't mean you wouldn't like him just fine. I do not want to stand in the way of True Love.

So here is another Rodneyism I withheld from you. I forgot what he was commenting on, but it will not surprise you to hear Rodney's take on the subject:

"Id love to taste your fat and meaty kitty."

Good old Rodney! No matter what I posted on the FB page, he always liked it and was always there with a (slightly differently worded) offer to eat kitty. That's the thing about Rodney. He was so tenacious. Even though his propositions were never up on the page for--at most--5 minutes before I'd discover them and delete them in horror, the guy Kept On Trying.

"Maybe the problem is my wording," he must have mused, pondering the shocking lack of response to his generous and appealing offer of kitty eating. "Perhaps I shall change 'eat your pussy before and after sex' to 'taste your fat and meaty kitty.' Blast it all! Why are women so inscrutable?"

I guess it was this tenacity in the face of his endless lack of success* that kept me from deleting Rodney instantly as I have so many of his barely literate brethren on the Facebook page.

So today it pains me somewhat to finally give in and delete the hapless Rodney forever, taking the FB fan from the suggestive number of 469 to the more blah 468. And, I have to confess, I'm kind of gonna miss the guy.

*I fucking hope so.

Welcome to Our 300th Facebook Fan

After hovering around just below 300 fans for an annoyingly long time--297, 298, 299....back down to 293, and so on--the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page finally hit 300. By the time you read this there may well be a mass exodus, but at this very second, there are 300 fans. So I'll be quick.

Now, as you know from reading the comments on the blog, In Bed readers are funny and smart and cool, but over at Facebook, well, it's a different story. Some of the people, like you, are cool and all, but there's a steady stream of freaky weirdos who stop by thinking it's a hook-up spot for picking up married chicks. They put up a picture of big boobs (or worse, a creepy-ass mug shot-looking picture of themselves they obviously took in their bathrooms) and wait for the offers from hot chicks to start rolling in. After awhile, they get arrested go away when their foolproof pickup plans don't work out. I'm not proud of it, but the Facebook page is kind of like the bad side of town--even I reach for my car door locks when I'm over there.

But upon seeing my 300th fan, I started thinking: Why must I stubbornly cling to the notion that I want fans who "get" my whole sex-is-funny-and-boring-and-fascinating (or whatever the hell it is I do) thing? Clearly there's a sizable contingent of people who want me to shut the hell up and just start hooking them up with sexy married ladies. So fuck it, maybe I just should. I'm an adaptable. I can cope if someone moves my damn cheese. (note: not actually true) Thus, today I say to you:

Sexy married ladies, it's your lucky day because I'm going to introduce you to some passingly literate Internet stranger! Maybe even your dream passingly literate Internet stranger!

Ladies, give a warm welcome to our 300th fan. His name is Maha and he's from Sri Lanka. Let's have a look at his Facebook page to get to know him better.

Let's see, says here Maha's "Activities and Interests" are:

Sexy married women of Nepal, In Bed With Married Women, Lonely married women, Married women personals, sexy women 40&over, Sexy Ladies Over 40,married ladies in one place <3, Married Ladies, Sri Lankan Actress Hot Images, Salon Aunty, SeX, Srilanka sex chat, Sex cartoons, safe sex, Chat sex

Yeah, I know it looks like just liked random pages that sounded sexy, but I am pretty sure he picked In Bed With Married Women for the sociological observations, dry wit and such. (Although, just in case, don't tell him about Charlie Sexton or sextuplets! Those sound hot, too!)

According to Facebook, Maha has 14 friends and filled out his "About Me" statement thusly:

VERY ...VERY...INTERESTING IN SEX......... I LOVE SEX!

I am married........like to have more sex..... Sexy girls....sexy ladies....you are welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So....sexy ladies, any takers? Maha can be quite charming. According to today's Facebook stalking research, just the other day, he wrote "what a sexy boobs!" on a lucky young woman's photo. That could be you!

And, like Maha says, "If you are very interesting in sex, you are welcome."

(An aside: Maha's exclusive interest in married women reminds me of a recent misguided Googler to In Bed With Married Women who searched for: "free pictures of married womens vaginas." Why did this person care so much that they were married women's vaginas? Are they notably different? Would he really notice if some single chick's vagina was slipped in the mix? And if he's not fricking paying, what sort of guarantee does he deserve of the marital status of any vagina? And finally, does he really have so little imagination that he can't just look at any old free pictures of women's vaginas--although the word 'women's' seems to be superfluous in this case as, in general, it is women who possess vaginas and not, say, cans of green beans--and just pretend that they are married women's vaginas? But I digress...)

(image source: http://lacontessa.tumblr.com/post/5972446259/jan-saudek)