Thursday, March 24, 2016

The Results of the Big-Ass Giveaway!

Early prototype of the blow job machine
I'm back from the United States Post Office where I was mailing unspeakably smutty packages to readers around the globe. If you did not get an email from me saying you won something in The Big-Ass Giveaway, you indeed didn't win. Sorry, I totally wish you did.

I'm especially sorry to the many many readers who wanted that blow job machine--some of you are my favorite readers of all times! In a fair world, your dick and/or the dick of someone you love would be getting sucked off by an oddly loud and large-sized machine at this very minute. This very minute!

But fear not, I still have more stuff that I'll give away at some point, like a pair of jeweled pasties I can't see ever using ("I'll save these in case there's an earthquake and all my regular clothes are destroyed.")

I also have lots of stuff--sadly, used only one (also: used only once sadly)--which I guess I'm gonna have to send to one of those sex toy recycling places because I don't want to have super embarrassing garbage. First to go is going to be an abusive Sqweel "oral sex massager" I tested which I'm quite fucking sure I'll never press between my legs ever again. The heinous toy was like a windmill of angry chihuahua tongues, striking a delicate body part with a surprising amount of loud whirring fury. I completely agree with Michelle's succinct Amazon review "It horrible."

We are never ever ever getting back together.
Anyway, the best part of the giveaway was hearing from so many readers and remembering how smart and cool you all are. A delightful new reader Steve (delightful due to both his penchant for flattery and using that rusty old donation button there at the right) noted your greatness straightaway writing, "This is perhaps the best blog I have ever followed, as not only do we get a warm, thoughtful, intelligent, (insert other positive adjectives here) exposition of a very smart lady's thoughts, but she has created a space that has attracted a number of amazingly smart, generous, witty followers." Steve also awarded himself an IBWMW ministerial position, Minister of Music (it was part of a larger metaphor), which is fine with me. At IBWMW, as in many places, you can totally buy yourself a title.

Also I have to admit that the contest wasn't truly fair. I vetoed anyone who seemed creepy. (If you did win, I suppose you passed that particular test. For now. Although if you didn't win, it does not necessarily follow that you were deemed creepy. I could make a Venn diagram for you on the matter, but lack the graphic design savvy of even a MacPaint-using citizen of 1994). I also unfairly let Trisha, a bad-ass blogger, filmmaker and FOB, win the vintage Hustler due to this entry:

I want the vintage Hustler sooooooo bad. I will both do good orgasm-equality, feminist work with it by SSL reviewing it from cover to cover in a very special IBWMW-won Vintage Hustler Review Series for my blog, and I will also masturbate to it, because that's the kind of person I am. 

And as long as I'm confessing, I also would probably have given the cute guy who wrote to me on Facebook pretty much whatever he wanted, but he neglected to ask.  

And several of you inquired about my whereabouts lately, a few offering theories. My favorite was that I was off seeing someone, too overcome with ravishment via gorgeous cock, I suppose, to crawl over to the computer and type a few words. The truth is that I've been busy spending whatever writing brain I have on projects that pay better than you, like:

--writing sex position tips for Cosmo
--an oral sex story for Cosmopolitan magazine that's not out yet (super fun, but with the extreme space/word count limits of old-school print, it was kind of like writing some sort of weird BJ-themed haiku.)
--an interview with Jami Rodman, former elite escort and Las Vegas Madam for AlterNet
--stuff for a family magazine, who I won't link to so as not to besmirch them with my sexed-up traffic.

I was also enjoying some abject depression, possibly due to writing things that don't have to do with you and/or the notable absence of work-ruining gorgeous cock ravishment.


PS. Giveaway feel free to report back your findings re: your prize. Even if "it horrible." 

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Big Ass Giveaway! (Note: Not Giving Away Actual Big Ass. This Time.)


Yes, I am rich in sexy items and wanted to share some with you, in some sort of fucked up way of saying Thank You.

So, like Eminem, I'm Cleanin' Out My Closet, but finding sex toys instead of psychological damage. (Oh, there's plenty of that back there, too. I'm not completely deluded. Just didn't seem like that fun of a prize.)

Here's what I have for you today. (For the record, I don't get any kickbacks or anything for these, I just like sex and am super thrifty--a delightful combination. I can't stand that these would be going unenjoyed, like lonely little residents of the Island of Misfit Sex Toys.)

1.  Autoblow 2

This is a pretty major blow job machine. Kind of like a really big fleshlight, but it plugs in and does all the work itself.  Comes with a "B" size insert, so I suppose you or your lover should have a B-sized wiener (as opposed to A or C). Generally costs, like, $160 bucks.

2.  Slaphappy Bendable Couples Vibe

The Autoblow people gave me an extra one of these as well (again, don't worry, it's a different one!) and I love it. It's a nice, pretty strong vibe, though I don't get the aspect that it's also supposedly a G-Spot vibe. It's pretty damn wide and I was not gonna put that thing inside of me. Also can be pressed into service, as it were, on a guy during general fuckery or hand/blow jobs.

 3.  Wicked Awaken

A "stimulating clitoral massaging gel." It's vegan, and herbaly, is created "to heighten sensitivity and enhance libido." That sounds good, yes?

 4. Fill Me In:  Adult Colouring

A groovy Adult Colouring Book created by a super cool, sex positive chick named Sarah who is British and wastes extra "U"s like they're free. Also included is a greeting card with the image there at left and a colourable desk calendar which is now only semi-usable seeing that it's already March. (My fault).  Love her and want to support the fuck out of her.

5.  PrimalDerma
PrimalDerma is skincare lotion/goo/slipperyness that's made from beef tallow. Which sounds kind of gross, but actually is kind of a non-issue in any ways that you'd suspect. I have been rubbed down with this stuff and it was pretty fucking amazing. It's slidey, but absorbs into your skin insanely well, so you can have your way with it in a variety of ways.

I actually have more stuff: a "jumbo" butt plug, a vintage issue of Hustler and such, but I grow weary with you now.

Let me know what you want* and we'll get this started, motherfuckers.


*Contest Rules:  Tell me which one(s) you want, in the comments below or via email at I'll pick a random winner for each thing. I'll even ship that $%#@ to your door at my expense. And I won't even be a child and write what's inside in huge letters on the outside of the box. Deadline is March 18. 

In return, perhaps you could do a solid for the blog:

--Like the IBWMW Facebook page or like a post or two there.
--Follow on Twitter.
--Share a post, this contest, or tell someone about the blog.
--Mention the blog in your prayer group.
--Fantasize about the blog during a private moment.