Friday, July 20, 2012

The Most Unsexy Porn EVER

E.T. has needs too.
I will forever hold a tiny, unyielding grudge toward the reader who brought this to my attention. (And please know that I apologize in advance for bringing it to your attention. Abrasive cleanser to scour your eyes out will be provided upon request.) I am speaking of this...this...well, I'm just gonna say it-- E.T. porn.

The censored (thankfully) footage is from a real E.T. porn film. And, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but "E.T. porn" means E.T. is in the porn, like, having sex. I know! E. flippin' T! When I think of E.T., my next thought is generally not " so damn sexy!" but, apparently, that's not a unanimous reaction.

If you are too frightened to look at the movie--a highly reasonable position--I'll give you the lowdown. A female-ish E.T. goes about town making sweet sweet love with various friendly Earthlings. The surprisingly nonplussed townspeople getting down with E.T. appear to be from 1800s-era England. (The 1800s? Why the hell not? The whole thing is already weird enough--why not throw some Abraham Lincoln-looking guy in there as well?)

The E.T. costume is saggy and grey and looks to be made from a vinyl-like, highly unbreathable material. Throughout her sexcapades, E.T. wears a dazed, sad expression. Look at that haunted expression in her/its eyes in the photo--I would not describe it as arousal. As one commenter on sci fi site noted, "E.T. has this weary look, as though she has to do this on every planet she explores." 

It's difficult to imagine anything less erotic than this film. I mean, there's the whole involvement of E.T., which is bad enough, plus that creepy haunted facial expression, the baggy, wrinkled costume (with matching grey deflated boobs, no less), the 1800s setting--not to mention a hideously creepy tongue thing E.T. does (about :55 seconds in--oh God, it's so awful!) Am I saying it would be somehow less unsexy if the suit were tight like Catwoman's suit, if E.T. had perky boobs, or if E.T. looked to be enjoying her/itself? I guess not--actually, that would probably make it even more upsetting. (The very idea of E.T. doing the standard girl-in-a-porn dialogue of "Ohyeahohyeah" would send me to the fainting couch with my smelling salts.)

Still, my mind strays to unanswered questions: How infinitesimally small is the subset of people who find both E.T. and the 1800s arousing? How did the film makers present their creative ideas to the E.T. suit maker? ("I want it wrinkly and saggy--with boobs!") How did the actors react when the director gave them such pointers as, "In this scene, you will be wearing a top hat and going down on E.T."? And are these actors ever recognized in public for this piece of work? ("Hey, don't I know you from somewher--" "NO! YOU DON'T!)

Anyway, like I said, I'm sorry I was compelled to show this to you. Next time I hope to exhibit better taste. Although if you come up with someone even worse...please, send it my way.