Monday, March 24, 2014

The Mysterious Case of the Talking Onahole

Nothing to do with the post but kinda hot.
I am bitterly disappointed to report that the mystery of what the Onahole says remains:


This, despite entrants coming in via e-mail, comments, Facebook, and Twitter, including one entry from a dude who calls himself an Onahole reviewer.

There were plenty of guesses, not one of them remotely plausible. Although since I remain sadly ignorant of the true sentiments of the Onahole, maybe they were exactly right.  My favorites were:

"Now more orifice-like!" from Bill.
"Otaku? Easy to hide from mom!" from Spiffy.
"Now in original and extra-crispy!" from...actually I just made that one up.

But not one among you bothered to learn how to read enough Japanese to tell me what--dear god, what?--this Onahole wants me to know.

I have secrets I shall not share
That this plasticized Essence of Womanhood remains essentially unknowable seems metaphoric and this would certainly be the spot for something deep but thoughtful, but we'll need to plunge ahead without art and meaning and make our rudderless, unexamined way to the next thing, that is:
The winners of the "What Does The Onahole Say?" Contest!

The very prompt Christina wins the delightfully throbby vibrator the MiMi Rechargeable courtesy of Good Vibrations, the very first sex-positive sex toy store in the country. Which is why we love 'em. Also because the MiMi costs $89 bucks and I love to give away FABULOUS PRIZES. Note: whenever I write "fabulous prizes," I am typing it to be read as "FABulous Prizes!" like an old game show host, so read it like that, if you will.

Looks kind of like Eva from WALL-E, but you mustn't think of that.
And the enjoyably persistent and brave Fitzlurker wins the Fleshlight Flight. (Thanks again, Good Vibes!)

That?  That is, uh, my clarinet
Fitz and Christina, send in your addresses and your fuckable mail will soon be at your door.

Ok then.


Friday, March 7, 2014

Things People Have Sex With That Aren't Other People--Japanese Edition

Don't look at the side of the box. Really.
While the rest of the us are still primitively having sex with our toothbrushes, Buzz Lightyear dolls and slutty slutty pool noodles, sex toy scientists in Japan are hard at work (er...) figuring out the very latest in gadgets we can put on, up or over our sexual regions.*

So that you won't be the Goofus stuck in the corner having sex with a dumb ol' hollowed out cucumber while the Gallants are modernistically experiencing perfect mechanically-calibrated orgasms with futuristic machines, here's what's happening overseas:

1.  The Onahole

Yes, we have our fleshlights and whatnot (including this shower mounted model--go us!), but Japan has really dipped deeply into (yes, that's how it's going down today. sorry) the art of the onahole, which I think is Japanese for "vaginiaey stuff in a cup that you can fuck." Kind of like Cup O' Noodles, but with vagina. Japan has perfected the art of self-expression via onacup.  The Tenga Flip Holefor example, is white and sleek like something that should connect wirelessly to your iPhone.  According to the Amazon description, it "lets you blanket yourself in the gently bliss of delicate internal details!"  It also comes with three lotions, mild, wild and real (?) which, awesomely, are called Hole Lotion.
I told you.
For those who want some back story with their wank toy, there are holes featuring brides, virgins (hymen included) and even an "Unpopulated Island Survival" version with three different holes. There's "starter hole" for onahole first-timers, featuring the semi-depressing ad copy "a huge step forward for your single sex life" and a Fellatio Hole with...dear God...something called "Saliva Lotion."

What's strange about these is that, for some reason, they are sold as parody products "only" and all have the following note for anyone who mistakes a masturbation device as being for, you know, masturbation:

NOTE: This is a new novelty onahole from Japan for stress relief. It is intended for use as a joke gift item only.

But then they contain extensive way-too-detailed-for-a-joke specifications as well as semi-horrifying renderings as this:


If you know Japanese, please PLEASE tell me what these little blurbs say! Although I am actually more curious about the contents of the speech bubble in the photo below:

What does the Onahole say?

2. Extreme Onahole
I am uncomfortable with the amount of wires here

The A10 Cyclone "has a series of brushes that rotate back and forth over the item in question. Think of it as a shoe cleaner for you weenus," wrote John Biggs in TechCrunch, who called the Cyclone "overwhelming" and, less importantly, called his cock a "weenus." The Cyclone sounds pretty hardcore, like the boy equivalent to the jackhammer intensity of the Magic Wand, so use caution putting anything in there, including one's weenus. Although you would of course never do that, because these--even the top-of-the-line $150 A10 Piston-- are also *wink* only a joke gift.

3. Love Doll Brothels

Finally, if you need not just the three holes, but a whole fake body to fuck, there are brothels in Japan offering the company of love dolls. It's disease- and sex trafficking-free which is good. But when I saw this photo:

Awkward silence. Permanently.
I became concerned about, of all things, their sound system. Not only would it have to cover up the sound of dudes grunting away over their ladies, but also mask the unsettling silence of the dolls, sitting there like eerily mute mannequins/cadavers/something-else-creepy.

I also became oddly riveted by this video in which three guys from VICE visit a low-end brothel and schtup the dolls.  I'm not entirely sure if I was offended or entertained. It was fascinating to see this sort of vérité version of a brothel visit. The dolls are poorly made (new hole for each customer, if you were wondering), the guys find it difficult to get hard and can't figure out a comfortable doll coitus position. At one point, a doll's head falls off.

The VICE editor is kind of a douche, and picks a way young-looking schoolgirl doll. (V. popular, btw). On one hand it's creepy as fuck that everyone wants to have sex with a girl, but on the other hand, it's a doll, not a girl. So perhaps one more doll-girl fucker equals one less real-girl fucker? There's weird anthropomorphizing element here that confuses things. Even though it's just a bit of plasticky stuff that getting fucked, it's girl-shaped plasticky stuff getting fucked -- girl-shaped plasticky stuff getting fucked in a bedroom decorated with pink, princesses and stuffed animals.

So...I don't know. At this point, I've offended child-welfare advocates, the nation of Japan (hey, my best friend is Japanese), as well as ensured that I'll never write for VICE. My work here is done.

Oh yeah, and if you get a chance, go on over and visit/share my new article in Cosmo on the 8 Worst Sexy Inventions for Women


*As you may recall, Japan has long been a leader in sexual aids, except back then they just flat out admitted it was not about novelty but rather for the real, deep stuff, specifically, the "Key to the Sex Question."  Have a look at this 1930 Japanese marital aid catalog "Women Happy Medicine", to discover that the Key had something to do with lots of pointy things: