Wednesday, December 30, 2015

I Had Sex With Something Called A Clitoral Stimulator

My pricey lover with unidentified companion
I don't know if I'm bragging about this or confessing, but Good Vibrations gave me a new kind of vibrator to test out in return for my honest review. Everyone has their price, supposedly, and I now know mine:  $189, the exact cost of  The Womanizer Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator.

For your $189--or in my case, the whoring out of v. personal moments--you get a thing that looks like an ear thermometer, plus a USB cable, extra tip, fancy case and instruction booklet translated from the German with references to the KLITORIS and somewhat frightening/mysterious exhortations like "Turn the device off whenever unusual sounds are heard and do not continue using it."*

To use (fuck? make love to/with?), you put a little suction cup-like thing directly on your clit and it sort of vibrates and does something that feels a lot like gentle sucking, like someone's mouth is on you. It's a totally different sensation, as far as vibes go--sweet and nice, but not too ethereal. There are like 6 settings of intensity but I could only handle the first two.

The first time the Womanizer had relations, we had some first date issues. During some of it, it was insanely good, then it would somehow suddenly be just "meh" and I could have gotten up and had lunch or something with little regret. Then back to insanely good again.

Instead of a straightforward Masters and Johnson graph from arousal to orgasm: was more like one of those Family Circus cartoons where Billy takes the meandering, long-ass way somewhere...

La de dah.

I think it was self-consciousness due to using it in front of someone coupled with the thing's notable resemblance to a wee little clit-sized milking machine. Still, I kept with it out of sheer determination, which is not exactly an optimal sex attitude. It was pretty frustrating. But then, when it finally happened, I literally screamed. Like, out loud. In a good way, in case you were wondering. This is not something I generally do.

Second time I snuck in the bathroom and put some porn on my phone (is this making you hot? No? Sex stripped of its mystery, connection and passion is so... almost workaday, like I'm describing how I changed the oil in my car or something. Which for the record, I don't know how to do, so don't bother asking me to). The Womanizer caused no screaming this time, but it was quick and easy, which sometimes is all you're looking for.

Third time, it was good. Real good. I'm a little bit in love with it, if you must know. If that thing had a varsity jacket I would so be wearing it.  

If you shell out for one, let me know how it was for you, 'cause then I will feel like we're even somehow.


*Because that's when the ghosts have taken over the vibrator. (Denn, wenn die Geister haben die Kontrolle übernommen Der Vibrator)

Monday, December 21, 2015

The Little Penis Inside You. Not what you think.

Ask me about my penis!
Janet and I were talking about the last post on how freaking huge a woman's clitoris actually is and she says, "Oh right, the little penis inside you."

I loved this phrase because it sounds so girls-only 7th grade health class. Like, after an uncomfortable and uninformative talk about fallopian tubes and such, the girls would file past the gym teacher, averting their eyes as she hands them each a pamphlet with the words "The Little Penis Inside You" written in swirly tampon ad font. Said brochure would be quickly shoved to the bottom of one's backpack, only to be retrieved for furtive study once in the privacy of one's own room.

Since you probably haven't yet received your pamphlet, I feel compelled to show you this "Clitoral cross section" photo from Wikipedia because it looks exactly like a little penis. So much so that, to be quite honest, it sort of freaks me out. Behold:

Umm, should it be bending down like that?

(I especially like that that one part is unhelpfully labeled "skin." Like the labeler got tired of being so damn specific all the time and thought, "Fuck it. I'm just putting 'skin' and going home.")
If you're feeling brave and want to see a video of this, this...little penis inside turning into what I can only describe as a lady boner, click here for Ed-Sim's sexy sexy video on "clitoral vascularization."  (note: The video keeps going after you think it's over.)

"According to the sexual response cycle, during the excitement stage, the body (shaft) of the clitoris begins to fill with blood and increase in size," it reads. Whew! Is it hot in here?

I'm not yet sure how I am going to deal with this new information. I kind of don't like the idea that I have a little penis inside of me, although it does explain some past decisions I made. You know, thinking with my little penis and all that.

Also feeling slightly less ladylike than usual and hoping my boob-hugging shirt will negate the effects of this post. Look, boobs! I'm a girl!


(photo: wicked knickers)

Monday, December 14, 2015

Balls (Both Scenic and Educational), Public Masturbation and Florida Woman Does Some Dumb Shit

Breathe deeply. It's all gonna be okay.

Yes, I know, you were promised balls. Here you go, friend.

--Scenic balls!
"Men are taking photos of their balls in front of beautiful landscapes" is the alluring headline that led me to Nutscapes, a Tumblr featuring just that--beautiful landscapes with just a touch 'o balls hanging gently above the frame like...well, actually like nothing familiar. Rarely, I think, do any of us view nature from that particular under-ball vantage.

Ah, fresh balls in the morning.
If you're really into balls, this site probably won't do it for you because the balls are pretty blurry, and the scenery and the balls sort of cancel each other out, but I do appreciate that there are a bunch of dudes out there doing something so pointless and vaguely subversive. My only suggestion, and I can't believe I'm saying this: needs more balls.

 --Educational balls!
Meanwhile, Senhor Testicle (aka Mr. Balls) is a scrotum-shaped mascot who travels to classrooms, and other places where there is no escape, to bring awareness to testicular cancer. It also brings awareness to the issue of what you're supposed to say to big ol' hairy Spokesballs, especially one wearing an especially sad toupee/merkin thing, eerily smiling at you and silently making the "hug me" gesture.

The day at the fair takes a sudden turn.

Public Masturbation!
If all this talk of balls becomes too sexually arousing for you, for fuck's sake, please be smart about it doing something about it. Don't be like the Louisiana woman who was caught "inappropriately pleasing with a package of Jimmy Dean sausages in a Walmart bathroom. Believe me, I so get being overcome by passion, but this is not good. Not only does the sign clearly state that merchandise should not be brought into the bathroom, but it's a waste of perfectly good(ish) food. Because, once you actually fuck the sausage, they can't put it back on the shelf, at least not without a real good rinse.

Meanwhile, in a marginally more upscale incident, a Kansas City woman was caught in a Target bathroom singing "Let It Go" and involved in some sort of highly emotional threesome with a carrot and an Olaf puppet.

I think the point here is that public restrooms are overwhelming sexy, so if you're going to a big box store, make sure you masturbate at home first. And please pay for all meat products before sticking them into your vagina.

(If you cruelly enjoy the charming foibles of the clearly mentally ill, as I seem to, I suggest you check out the Florida Woman Twitter account featuring important news like "Florida Woman strips naked in restaurant, sticks chair leg in ass, slathers herself in ketchup" or, to return to the previous theme, "Florida Woman won't let go of security guard's testicles, even while being tasered." If you imagine that it's all just one woman doing all of it, it makes if even better. And better still if while imagining that, you concurrently make love to a pack of Jimmy Dean sausages--but not the spicy hot ones, learned my lesson.)

Superhero Blogging!
IBWMW made Kinkly's 2015 list of 100 Sex Blogging Superheros.  We're #13, which is good, since I try to strive for upper mediocrity in all I do. Not sure what this year's superpower is but I'm kinda hoping it's something like this, sent in by my friend Quentin who has spent his life "avoiding VaJayJay" and now will be even more vigilant in his efforts.

Not sure how I'm gonna use this power yet, but I'm thinking at the very least, it might get me a bit more space at the communal tables at Starbucks.

Or maybe I'll smite somebody. I have just the person in mind right now. Hope it's not you...


p.s. for you Esperanto readers, here is a complete translation of today's missive:

En lieu de fakta enhavo, mi decidis mi simple tuj uzi multajn ekstrajn ekkrion punktoj por ke ĉio ŝajnas pli amuza. Ni provu !!!!! Ĉu ni? Yay !!!!

--Scenic Pilkoj!
"Viroj prenas fotojn de siaj pilkoj antaŭ belaj pejzaĝoj" estas la alluring subtitolo kiu kondukis min al Nutscapes, Tumblr featuring ĝuste tion - belaj pejzaĝoj kun nur tuŝo 'o pilkoj pendas milde super la kadro kiel ... nu , fakte ŝatas nenion familiara. Malofte, mi pensas, do ajna de ni vidas naturon de tiu aparta sub-pilko panoramejo.
Buloj vidanta la vidindaĵojn.
--Educational Pilkoj!
Dume, Senhor testiko (aka Mr. Buloj) estas scrotum-forma maskoto kiu vojaĝas al klasĉambroj kaj aliaj lokoj kie ekzistas neniu fuĝo, por alporti konscion al testika kancero. Mi konjektas ankaŭ alportas konscion al la antaŭe neesplorita demando de kion vi supozis diri al granda ol 'paro de Spokeballs.
La tago ĉe la foiro prenas subitan turnon.
Publika masturbo!
Se ĉiuj ĉi tiu parolado pri pilkoj iĝas tro sekse concitando por vi, por fiki, kalkaj, bonvolu esti inteligenta pri ĝi. Kaj ne estu kiel ĉi Luiziano virino kiun kaptis "malkonvene placxas sin" kun pako de Jimmy Dean kolbasoj en Walmart banĉambro. Kredu min, mi do restu venkite de pasio, sed tio ne estas bona. Ne nur faras la signon klare deklari ke komercado oni ne enportadis en la banĉambro, Sed unufoje vi vere fuck la kolbaso, ili ne povas remetis ĝin sur la breton, almenaŭ ne sen bona Rinse. Tio estas nur malŝparo de perfekte bona (ish) manĝaĵo.
Dume, en marĝene pli luksa incidento, virino estis kaptita en Cel banĉambro kantante "Let It Go" kaj implikita en iu speco de trio kun karoto kaj Olaf marioneto.
Mi kredas ke la punkto estas, ke la publikaj necesejoj estas abrumadora sexy, do se vi tuj granda skatolo vendejo, certigi vin masturbado hejme unue.(Se vi kruele ĝui la ĉarmajn asteniojn de la klare mense malsana, kiel mi ŝajnas, mi sugestas ke vi kontrolu la Florida Virino Twitter konton featuring gravaj novaĵoj kiel "Florida Virino strioj nuda en restoracio, bastonoj seĝo kruro en azenon slathers sin keĉupo "aŭ, por reveni al la antaŭa temo," Florido virino ne lasi iras de sekureco korpogardistoj testikoj, eĉ dum estado tasered. "Se vi imagas, ke ĝi estas ĉio nur unu virino fari ĉiujn de ĝi, ĝi faras se eĉ pli bona. Kaj pli bona ankoraŭ se samtempe amindumu pack de Jimmy Dean kolbasoj - sed ne la pika varma, ili lernis mian lecionon.)

Superhero Blogging!
Tiu estas la klaso de aĵoj kiuj helpis IBWMW farita Kinkly la 2015 listo de 100 sekso Blogging Superheros. Ni estas # 13, kiu estas bona, se mi provos strebi por supra mezkvalito en ĉiuj mi fari. Ne certas kion ĉijara superpotenco estas sed mi kinda esperante ĝi estas io tiamaniere, per mia amiko Quentin.
Ne certe kiel mi estas gonna uzo ĉi povon ankoraŭ, sed mi pensas, almenaŭ, ĝi povus atingi min iom pli spaco je la komunuma tablojn ĉe Starbucks.Aŭ eble mi frapu al iu. Mi havas nur la persono en menso nun. Esperas ĝi ne estas

(ball photo via, natch)