Sunday, March 14, 2021

Toys for Your Whatever

Hey there. What do you need to know?

1.  If you're wondering what happened to that article about me pitifully sexting with a 'bot, it is currently up at HuffPo, under the semi-unflattering, albeit true headline, I Sexted With a 'Bot to Quell Pandemic Loneliness. I will be on the Irish Times podcast to discuss it, which adds a whole other level of shamefulness to the whole thing, but that's what will be happening and I will alert you as needed.

2.  I still have some sex toys bustin' out of my side cabinet ready to come fill the yawning void inside of you (metaphorical or literal, take your pick).  

If you want one or some, LMK and I will box 'em up and send them your way for the low low price of postage and a tip to pay for my humiliation of mailing pervy boxes at my local P.O.  (If you see something you like, send me your mailing address--my email is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my PayPal is also jillhamilton001@gmail.com.)

I gots an Easter-themed array of fuckables including:

--Rosy Gold Remote Control Nouveau Vibrating Egg, a sex toy with art deco design just like the 1930s.

--Happy Rabbit Clitoral Vibe

--Egg-Citement Rechargeable Remote Control Egg with Attachments, who among us does not want to fuck an egg. 

Plus your regular secular toys, as near as I can tell:

Big Ol' Wand Vibrator,  rechargeable

Prostate massager, long and thin for targeted vibrations

Duo Love Balls, Ben Wa-like balls for first timers

Kit for Couples, 7 inch vibe, nubbly sleeve for it, stretchy cock rink,  mini bullet vibe, all waterproof

Stretchy vibrating cock ring, you heard me

Candy Cane Massager, a waterproof vibrator, but, candy striped bc why not?

Adam's Triple Prostate Probe, in case you come across aliens who left their anal probe at home, or just desire some recreational probery

All Star Enhancer Ring, stretchy cock ring for both cock n' balls.

Purple Heart Butt Plug, which, to be honest, isn't the greatest name

Good Head Fundamentals, The Ultimate Oral Sex, an oral sex kit including a stroker, "oral delight gel" and such.

Joy Stick Recharageable Wand, a long double-headed number that could go in any number of orifices. 

Bondage Kit, with blindfold, satin pasties, silky rope, cuffs and flogger.  

Could pair with:

Lil BDSM kit, with a BDSM dice, a small flogger and a deck of sex bondage positions cards, if you other deck has worn out.

and/or

Bondage tape, cause someone's in big trouble

Kama Sutra Playing Cards

Big-ass bottle of water-based lube, lube specifically for use with masturbators or strokers, watermelon flavored lube, some extra large Elite Skyn Condoms, a Pleasure Feather Tickler, and, randomly, a very small guide to BDSM.

If you want to just buy something straight from the companies and leave me out of it, click on the link and IBWMW gets a wee cut.

3.  I really don't mean for this to just be a blog about sex toys I have not fucked.  I will work on that.  

4.  Thank you for your postcards and letters!

xoxo

jill


Wednesday, February 3, 2021

The Sex Machine

It's all in your head, really
The sex machine arrived at my doorstep in a large, blessedly unmarked box. Inside was The Motorbunny, all 32.9 lbs of it, prone and ready for all manner of fuckery.

The Motorbunny, a more "affordable" version of the famous/infamous Sybian, is ride-on sex toy that's somewhere between ride-on lawn mower and the mechanical bull in Urban Cowboy, a movie I never saw but feel comfortable citing in an outdated, possibly incorrect reference.

When it arrived, I peeked inside the box and saw a padded half-cylinder thing that you* sit on. There were also a variety of attachments that look like pink dicks and/or pokey things. Not included was an add-on ass/vagina combo called "Jiggle Butt For Men." (Surprisingly, even though Jiggle Butt For Men is, by its very name, forbidden to me as a woman, that didn't make it all the more darkly tempting.)

And, well, that surreptitious peek was my one and only encounter with my fuck machine. Since then, that big-ass box has sat unmolested in my bedroom for, dear God, maybe like an entire year now.

I've been trying to figure out why. 

Part of it is its size. Right now, it's just a large box storage problem. Once I take it out, it becomes a sex machine storage problem, an entirely different matter.

The second reason is the price, $950. I'm guessing the depreciation on such a item would be similar to that of a car, but subject to a more immediate and drastic price drop after I "drive it out of the lot," so to speak. Maybe I'd get a decent story for you, but how could I possibly justify $950 for what might be single, alarmingly bad fuck?

The third is that I've finally realized... I just don't want to. Yes, I read reviews about women screaming in pleasure for hours, endless orgasms and squirting various substances all over the place. But even though my body parts have not (yet?) known the love of the fuck machine, I felt more of a kinship with other reviewers who'd used phrases like "like blasting your bits with a car engine" and "like a Rage Against the Machine song....transformed into a sex toy."

That's not to say real beauty cannot arise out of harsh, literally mechanical sex...


 from the Motorbunny Art Project

But the kind of sex I seek is not what the Motorbunny is offering.

It was 1.5 episodes of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo (thx for the rec Caitlin Grace) that finally did it. The main idea is that items in your home should "spark joy." I was all in with this Life Changing Magic, despite my daughter Ava muttering, "Does your Social Security card 'spark joy'? Does the cats' litter box?"

No. They do not spark joy. And, I realized, neither does this stupid big box in my bedroom, its fuck machine contents and its brutish love. For me, the daring choice was not, as I'd long assumed, getting on that thing as anyone would expect I'd do, but letting it go without riding it, and opening the space for something I truly desire.

All that to say: Sex Machine For Sale. Never Used.

Make an offer.

xoxo
jill

* By you, I mean, you and not me.