Tuesday, February 22, 2011

How to Have a G-spot Orgasm, Plus A Contest

We've got lots to cover today so walk with me, will you?

It has come to my attention that some of you haven't had a G-spot orgasm and/or can't even find the damned thing. (Have you checked the sock drawer?) It's understandable -- there is still debate among the scientific community (generally identifiable in the wild by their distinctive "scientific community" t-shirts) over whether the G-spot even exists. But more on that later. The point is, if you want to have a G-spot orgasm (or "alleged" G-spot orgasm), you need to know how. Writes reader Harleyq:
Having never experienced a G-Spot "Big O," I find the idea titillating and am imagining the prospect of instant amazing "Big O's" every day quite exciting, beneficial to my co-workers and an improvement on my demeanor. 
Yes, we could all use an improvement on our demeanors, could we not? (A brief aside to men who wish to run screaming out of the room: Go. Go now. See also: Men Who Care About The G-Spot Are A Myth, Say Experts in the Daily Mash.)

Sooo....the G-spot. It's odd--for a body part that can elicit such pleasure, talk of the G-spot is often oddly unsexy. The G-spot doesn't have the sexual cache of say, a swelling bosom or a jutting erection. And it doesn't help that every account of the spot is seemingly required by law to mention that the spot is "shaped like a bean," not exactly the most sexual of legumes. (Which, of course, would be the pea. See also: Ed's identification of my excessive pea mentions in a "robo-sexual context").

If I were the G-spot's press agent--a job I would totally take--I would definitely do something about the dreary tone of most G-spot articles. Look at this snippet from Wikipedia's G-spot entry:
"The vaginal wall is, in fact, the clitoris," said O'Connell. "If you lift the skin off the vagina on the side walls, you get the bulbs of the clitoris – triangular, crescental masses of erectile tissue."
Lifting vagina skin? "Bulbs of the clitoris?" Um, are we still talking about sex here? This is erection-deflating language, to say the least. And I'm talking both penile erections and erections of the "triangular, crescental masses of the bulbs of the clitoris."

Now, if you will direct your attention to the overhead projector, you'll see the oversized female x-section showing the G-spot.

The G-spot is #4. Or is it #8? I kid, I'm pretty sure it's #4. In non-disembodied-halved-torso terms, it is on the upper part of the inside of your vag, about an inch or so back. If you were to stick your finger in there--oh, just friggin' do it, don't be such a pussy--you can locate it by pretending as though you were trying to stimulate what would be the back side of the clitoris. Which is exactly what some scientists theorize is going on with G-spot orgasms.

Scientists actually don't know much about what's happening with women and their sexual response, despite years of study (including Ernst Grafenberg's--the g in G-spot--1950s page-turner The Role of the Urethra in Female Orgasm, a work which Wikipedia, perhaps cheekily, describes as "seminal.") G-spot theories include: it's analogous to a female prostate, women only think they have one, or it might have something to do with the Skene's gland or perhaps the nerve-rich urethral sponge. (Note: do not use the urethral sponge for washing dishes.) To make matters more confusing, a few women emit some sort of ejaculate during G-spot orgasms and scientists don't even know what the hell it is.

Despite all this, G-spots rock the house. Women describe G-spot orgasms with words like "deeper," "stronger" and "more satisfying." These would be good adjectives, orgasm-wise.

Here's how to attain such satisfaction (aka imaginary satisfaction, probably due to the common female vexation of "hysteria.") Step one: Get yourself an insertable vibrator. (I suggest Good Vibrations because of all the bonus educational material they offer, plus whole the kickback thing.) Step two: Go to it. Step three: as you become more aroused*, direct the vibrator's attention to the upper, front part of the inside of your vag. Press hard. Step four: Keep at it until you experience transcendence, see nirvana, pulse with the Universe, etc... Step five: Go about your regularly scheduled day.

What is important with the G-spot to get the right tool, so to speak, for the job. In my post about testing the vibrator, The Post in Which I Whore Myself Out for a $22 Piece of Thermoplastic Rubber, I was too timid (yes, I know, so very lame) to write that the vibrations on that particular model were a little tepid for me. But lovely reader Tricia, who has major (metaphorical) balls, had no such qualms and commented:
I have one of those vibes and it does nothing for me. The vibration is too weak. Does GV have a 'strong as a jackhammer' section? That takes a car battery, perhaps?
Yes, in the words of the Diff'rent Strokes theme song "What might be right for you, may not be right for some." If you're unsure of the strength you require, GV has a chart of vibes that shows the intensity and volume relative to other choices.

And FINALLY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THE CONEST:  Our prize today is the Dreamy Mini-G Vibrator (pictured at left) which in the mid-range of intensity (3 of 5, one notch higher than the one I tested). To enter, recruit some sap to "like" the In Bed With Married Women's Facebook page, then come back here and tell me that you did it, either via a comment or email. I'll chose a winner according to the vagaries of my whims.

*Because of the way in which G-spot stimulation gets better and more effective as things progress, I could be talked into the Taoist belief (see also: The Three Types of Orgasms) which describes woman's sexual arousal as a series of three gates (clitoral, vaginal and cervical) that need to be entered in progression to ultimately reach "an ecstatic state of arousal." I cannot, however, be talked into the Taoist belief that eating lamb "produces excitable people with inordinately strong sexual desire."

photo source: http://wickedknickers.tumblr.com/post/925107020/marilyn-monroe-via-blueruins-retrodoll

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Guest Post: Molly Mounds from Scary Sextoy Friday, Plus I Digress

Mounds brandishing her
weapon of choice. 
As you just read .00054 seconds ago in the title, today's guest post is from Molly Mounds, penner of the accurately named Scary Sextoy Friday. Mounds, a writer and online smut peddler in Silicon Valley, reports that she "encounters many terrifying sextoys on a daily basis and chronicles them for your pleasure, dismay and horror." Last week's entry's was particularly heinous and I feel the urge--nay, the need--to pass it on to you. So without further ado, please give a warm welcome to Miss Molly Mounds and The Molestache:

OK, it's been awhile since I literally jumped out of my seat:


I don't even know where to start with this one; the creepy '70s molestache, the Jay Leno-sized chin, or how about the ROWS OF FUCKING SPIKES INSIDE?

Also, there's something oddly familiar about this...thing. 

It's reminding me of something...


Someone from my past...

Wait! I've got it!


There you have it folks: your childhood, ruined. Again.

You're welcome!

Again, that was Miss Molly Mounds at Scary Sextoy Friday.

Oddly, the Molestache also reminds me of a Jim Henson creature, only in my case, it's Cookie Monster.* I feel that this toy would, for sure, make a Cookie Monster-esque "Mmmwahhh, ummmmwha" chomping sound as it serviced your member.

Anyway, if I did have a member wishing to be serviced, I would be way too afraid to stick it in there. Who knows what the hell might lurk inside? If the scary pokey spikes are the thing you can see, I'm guessing something even worse hides in its bowels. An evil gnome? The entrance to Narnia? The imprisoned and miniaturized cast of Starsky and Hutch? I don't know, but I'm not hanging around to find out.

And you? Your thoughts?

* Addendum: I am not proud to admit this, but after writing this, I interrupted my important vacuuming duties and googled "cookie monster sex" to discover if anyone did, indeed, harbor sexual fantasies about the insatiable blue Muppet. Besides an oddly high number of Youtube videos of Cookie Monster having sex with, among others, Barbie and Elmo, I found the following chart from LA Weekly, detailing the results of a UCLA sex survey of college students.  The question here was: Which innocent childhood fantasies could best morph into adult sexual fantasies?

There's Cookie Monster, right there with a host of other WTF choices like "Strawberry Shortcake and Lemon Meringue," "My Little Pony" and "Oral Sex with Barney." Compared to these, Cookie Monster is starting to look sexier by the moment. At least he seems passionate. On the other hand, the Count is European, which might make up for his rather boring conversational skills...  Hmmm, I am assessing the sexual potential of various puppets--clearly it is time for me to return to my vacuuming.