Bikini Condom, You Never Had a Chance

Pity the poor Bikini Condom. Launched in the early 1990's, it was overshadowed by its more popular cousin, the female condom. Both were part of the contraceptive group the FDA gave the perfectly hideous label "vaginal pouches." ("Hon, I need some quarters for the meter. Can you check your vaginal pouch?") 

And when you're playing second fiddle to the female condom--a device most Americans have never actually seen, let alone used--let's just say you're not gonna be sitting at the popular table. Not that there is a popular table for contraceptives. Or if there is, I was, sadly not invited to sit there.

Bikini Condoms look "like a g-string panty with a condom pouch" wrote an unnamed author in a 1991 issue of Contraceptive Technology, a magazine which I get only for the crossword puzzle. 

The condom "is automatically introduced into the vagina with coitus," the writer continues, masterfully making a sentence about sex totally void of eroticism. The odd language continues to the last sentence: "They are so novel they appeal to people with an 'open mind.'" "Open mind" is inexplicably in quotes, signifying, to my mind, that the author is does not particularly care for people with open minds. Or perhaps "coitus."

So why aren't we all sportin' vaginal pouches this very second? I mean, they empowered women and junk, right? Well, offhand, I can venture several guesses:

1. The term "vaginal pouch" could be entirely to blame.

2. Its look and feel and pretty much everything about it. "Manufactured all in one piece from thin, cream-colored latex," according to the Powerhouse Museum in Australia, "It consists of a belt, which fits around the hips, attached to a pouch-like tube." In summation, it combines a pouch-like tube (oh yeah), a belt reminiscent of grandma's old-timey maxi pads, and cream-colored latex, which we all know is the very sexiest latex color.

3. It is thicker than a regular condom, for those who like their sensation reduced as much as possible.

4. The whole clothing-as-contraceptive idea. (However, other clothing/contraceptive combos such as pleated khakis, holiday sweaters and men's jeans shorts, are still in widespread use.) 

5. Reusability. It can be reused 5 to 10 times. I'm as green as the next girl,** but even I would be hesitant to drag out some raggedy-ass cream-colored condom for the 9th time.

6. General confusion/inherent paradox: "Bikini" = sexy. "Condom" = not that sexy, but sex-related, at least. And yet, "bikini condom" = so not sexy. This, my friend is your Zen koan for the day, bikini condom-style.

xoxo
jill

* (if you'd like to read more about "vaginal pouches"--and who the hell wouldn't?--see also: Female Condom, Where Art Thou?, How to Behave in the Presence of a Female Condom and  Someone Who Actually Used The Female Condom.)

** I have been known to force only-marginally-interested children to behold my compost pile, which in several states is legally considered eco-terrorism.

(photo source)

Someone Who Actually Used The Female Condom!

A reader over at Dan Savage's column in The Stranger recently linked to this IBWMW reader letter. Upon re-reading it, I loved it again so much that here is it again, showing up at your doorstep, no worse for the long trip. Take it in and give it a good home will you?

Not only is this letter about the female condom, which as faithful readers will recall, I am unduly obsessed with, but it is also stunningly well-written. (Also, non-irrelevantly, I am home with a sick child today and can't be sitting around writing about wieners all day.)

The reader, let's call him B, was good enough to report back to us on his experience with the female condom. I love it especially because he uses the phrase "from a purely penile perspective." Writes B:

"With a regular condom, men lose all the direct friction on the penis, which is, of course, why so many guys hate using them. With the female condom, all the friction and sensation comes back (for the male), but the feeling is still very different from regular no-condom sex, because of what the penis is actually rubbing against: a urethane sheath. Urethane feels nothing like skin, and is also very different from latex… more Saran Wrappy, really.

Maneuvering the penis through the ring-opening is fun, like an accuracy game, and it requires the help of fingers, which most people will probably find lacking in the romance department. But hey, when there’s a plastic ring dangling out of a person’s vagina, it ain't gonna be a scene outta Jane Austen.

Note: Not a scene from
"Pride and Prejudice"

Once the penis is safely inside, a lot of the things you’ve grown to expect from penetration are the same: the pressure and the warmth are as they should be. But then there’s this strange, unfamiliar texture, like your penis is now gripped by something that’s smoother and more plastic than you're used to. From a purely penile perspective, it’s a bit like having sex with a warm, tight sandwich bag. But that’s just a best guess, of course. I’ve never gotten it on with food wrapping, honestly.

I will admit that the sensation was actually exciting as a novelty. Everything else about my girlfriend was the same, but her vagina felt noticeably different. She was 98% human and 2% love doll, and that was a bit of a turn-on, as if she’d swapped out her sex part for something new… not better, but at least different and maybe a tad futuristic.

Blame it on all those nerve endings that make intercourse so penis-centric for guys, but even with all the other stuff that’s going on during sex, there’s no disguising that what you’re feeling down in the thrusting zone isn’t really an au- natural vagina, but something “other.”

So, yeah. Warm, tight, and plasticky.

It’s not a feeling I’d want every time, and it would definitely get to be a drag if it was the default birth control method. But as a one-off experiment, it was enjoyable and memorable."

A Little Housekeeping, Plus A Man on How It Feels To Use A Fleshlight and A Woman on How It Feels To Use the Female Condom

In Bed With Married Women can now be sent directly to your Kindle or other e-reader! Imagine how horrified your other e-books will be. Click here for a free two-week subscription.

And just so it's not all money-grubbing around here today, I'll leave you with these two How Does It Feel descriptions from readers.  First, a man on Fleshlights, which are flashlight-looking male masturbation sleeves, and second, a woman on what it feels like to use a female condom.

Cpt. Wolf wrote of Fleshlights:   

In my experience, it's simply a different sensation. I don't find them to be a mind blowing experience, just a change up to suit my mood. The ones that I've tried are generally tighter than a woman. There's more tension to the material, even with generous lube. They're certainly not unpleasant, but don't hold a candle to the real thing. They certainly don't do the same thing for me as my girlfriend's toys when I use them on her. Although we've never tried using one of mine in bed. That, I have a feeling, is a totally different story. I think one of the big things is that I'm aware that it's still me doing it. The addition of another person would most definitely change the intensity. Then it might just have that mind blowing effect.

And Robin Wolfe (yes, she of Victorian Porn Fridays) had this to say of female condoms:

I tried them once. Imagine one of those small plastic bags that you put produce in at the grocery store. At either end, attach one of those silicone message bracelets that people wear to support various charities.

Now take that bag and stick it in your cooter (remember to squeeze the bracelet at the inside end so you can get it up there), and slop some lube inside it so the guy doesn't feel quite as much like he's fucking a plastic bag. Remember to keep reaching down during the act to make sure it isn't sliding out, or in, or perhaps disappearing into the Rift.

That's what it's like to use a female condom.

So, uh, okay, then, you're free to go. But don't forget about the whole IBWMW on Kindle thing. Alert the neighbors, tell your friends or just go on Amazon and give it a decent review.   

I'm A Prude, I'm Encouraging the Spread of HIV in South Africa and Other Reader Comments

Let's reach into the mailbag and--ouch!--there are some pokey ones in there this week.

Emmanence, a reader from South Africa, had this to say about How To Behave in the Presence of a Female Condom:

I laughed out loud and then it made me sad. Not that the whole 'women's empowerment through access to female condom' thing isn't riddled with its own problems, but really, that we can be so disgusted by the one barrier method that doesn't rely on anyone else to use it, and actively discourage people from even trying? I'm writing from South Africa, highest rate of HIV infection in the world, lots of issues with women even being able to talk to men about sex, or even have control over where, when & how. There's some evidence that some women manage to use it in a way that hides it from their partners so they don't even have to get into this discussion...

Point taken, Emmanence. I'm not sure how many South African women consult In Bed With Married Women when making Important Sexual Decisions, but just in case:  ATTENTION women of South Africa (and elsewhere)!: Although female condoms, like nearly all forms of contraception (and sex itself, for that matter), are both awkward and humorous, if some dude is trying get on you and you're not in the mood to get pregnant or infected with HIV, by all means, USE A FEMALE CONDOM.  Use two or three of them, if you want.  Put 'em in all your orifices. Better safe than sorry, I say. Meanwhile, here in the States, I will be contemplating the physics of hiding an external rubbery tube from my partner.

Meanwhile, Kiki is all irate because of the post on furries.

DAMN, those furries are weird! Right. Because, no one EVER has sex in a costume at a Star Trek convention, or after a Halloween party. You're a prude!

Although I took great pains in the post to note that people can do whatever they want, it's all good, etc... after careful consideration, I have decided that I am indeed a furry prude. If some giant bobble-headed googly-eyed Chipmunk came up to me and said (chirped?) "Hey, suck the matted fur on my erect Chipmunk penis. C'mon, honey, don't be such a prude," I would have to decline. Even if, he (or she) promised to lift his (or her) specially built-in groinal flap to reveal the glories beneath. I feel somewhat ashamed of this prudery, but there it is. (Attention Google: please add "furry prude" to "Jill Hamilton" searches to go with my name's current designation as "anal bleaching expert.")

It wasn't all hatin' around here this week. There was an uptick in people clicking on the blog's pay-per-click Google ads (sending fives of dollars my way--sweet!), someone used the Amazon search box and actually bought something, and as usual, you came through with a host of witty, smart, thought-provoking comments. ValVan, for instance, urged his fellow men to consider "the long game" with regards to the back-rub-as-stealth-route-to-sex technique. Men, heed his words, as they hold great wisdom.

And Anonymous' comment on "That Doesn't Turn Me On" by The Housewife Blogger made me realize how damn nitpicky we women are when it comes to sex. Like Seinfeld and the man hands, we can get turned off by anything from a surprise butt thwacking with a penis to "vacuum-like head" to a mid-sex "Hoo Boy" exclamation. Wrote Anonymous:

The Mars/Venus problem here is that most men don't need to be "turned on." They turn on automatically. A lot of women get frustrated when guys equate sex and food, but to us, they really are quite similar. Horniness comes on naturally, like hunger. And also like hunger, it's an urgent need that we don't like putting off until later. We don't need to be inspired into it. We don't need you to talk dirty about steaks and pasta, or dress up a hamburger in a sexy bun, or sprinkle cake crumbs around the kitchen in an appetizing pattern. When our stomachs rumble, we want to eat. When our dicks get hard, we want to fool around. 

Besides the delightful image of dirty talk about steaks and pasta (Oh, you just wait, I am going to roll you around my fork. Slowly. Until you think you can't take it anymore. Then, with increasing urgency, I'm going to...) Uh...sorry, I, uh, was writing a sentence or something? Oh yeah, this: This brings up a question: Men, at the very real risk of sounding like a Playboy, circa 1978, what are your turn-offs anyway? Is there nothing so heinous it dampers your ardor, or is this just a dumb stereotype? I honestly don't know. I've asked one dude so far, who told me about having sex with a goth chick who suddenly bit his neck, drawing blood. But I kind of think he wasn't turned off so much as bragging about it.

And finally I'll leave with this quote by, well, I'm just going to let you look that one up yourself.

 “Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.”

Okay, go on now. Oh, and I do apologize for the image that will pop into your head once you look up who said it.

(image source: http://wickedknickers.tumblr.com/post/3475685092/vintage-nude-erotica-boxing-1940s-naked-woman)

How To Behave in the Presence of a Female Condom

My favorite question of the day comes from Anonymous, in response to Female Condom, Where Art Thou?

"At 58, I have never seen one female condom and I'm not sure what I would do if I did. Should a gentleman just lay back and let the lady take the lead? Or maybe offer to help with it???"

Well, gentle reader, I appreciate your desire to be polite when faced with an unscheduled female condom sighting.

According to this informative animated video I just watched on your behalf, How To Insert the Female Condom, both are considered correct etiquette. The woman can put the thing in ahead of time OR the gentleman can assist with insertion. Which would be great, if either option seemed in the least bit appealing. Let's assess:

Option #1:  If the man offers to assist, well, it's kind of a complex procedure. There are the mysteries of an inner ring and outer ring to unravel and the necessity of locating the cervix. Not to mention of question of whether you are the one who is supposed to shove it up there, or if you just offer moral support to your lady, referring as needed to the handy clip-n-save chart at left.  ("I am going to fuck you so hard. But first, according to Figure 3, you need to squeeze the inner ring between your index finger and thumb and insert it in your vagina, making sure it is resting against the cervix.")

Option #2:  Alternately, the women can insert it beforehand so it's already there "for foreplay." Or so suggests the video, which was filmed in an alternate universe in which a rubber ring dangling out of the vag is a sexy and desirable part of foreplay. "Do you like it when I stroke your outer ring?"  

And there is the added indignity of having to make an entrance while donning the device. Is it even remotely possible to feel seductive with this thing hanging out of your nether regions, flapping in the breeze like some sort of vaginal wind sock, and making its trademark Pampers-like "rustling" sound with each step? Thwick, thwick, thwick.

Option #3?: I guess a third option would be to insert it in front of the man when the time comes. But I'm not sure that even the combined forces of mood lighting, sexy music and seductive movements could make these insertion moves look alluring.

But, to be fair, let's experiment:

Okay, put the lights down low, relax and put on some sexy music, while gazing at the above picture.....

Take a good breath and get comfortable. Trail a fingertip lightly along your jawline, then slowly down your neck and work your way lazily across and down your chest....

Is it working for you? No, not even the squatting picture? That's not making you hot?

Okay, then. I am officially flummoxed. Does any one else have some female condom wisdom/advice/haiku to share with dear Anonymous?

Female Condom, Where Art Thou?*

Ahhhh, remember the female condom?  Yeah, neither do I.  The poor old female condom seems like one of those ideas that got lost in time, like Esperanto or getting Americans to understand the metric system.  I mean, did any of you ever use a female condom?  Or even see one?  (If so, do tell.)

It's not much of a mystery why we aren't all using female condoms on a daily basis.  (Although I personally am wearing one right now.  You know, just in case.)  According to the Wikipedia entry on female condoms (because I am willing to spend minutes on research for you, dear reader), "reported 'rusting' sounds during intercourse turn off some potential users, as does the visibility of the outer ring which remains outside of the vagina."  Yes, the rubbery thing hanging out your nether regions seems like it would be a deal-breaker for most people, especially since the instructions for the contraceptive warn that the device should be hanging out  at least an inch.  Hanging out there an inch, flapping in the breeze.  Promotional materials also note that the female condom can be put in early.  "Honey, do I hear a rustling sound? And is that what I think it is hanging out your pants?  Oooh, baby."  As if all this weren't enough--and believe me, I think it is--the name given female condoms by the FDA is "vaginal pouches." 

The odd coda to all this that Female Health Company (FHC), the maker of female condoms, was just named 8th in the top 100 fastest growing publicly traded small companies by Fortune.  How can this be?    Well, it seems we have been distributing massive amounts to women in developing countries, like a mean big sister handing down clothing rejects.  "Here, these are totally lame.  But you might like them."

And btw, if all this talk of female condoms is making you hot, they're still available here in America from Good Vibrations. Order yourself a nice, big, tan-colored one. The one that really hangs out far.


*And yes, it is rerun week around here. If you don't like it, I am afraid I will have to advise you to suck it.

Female condom, where art thou?

Ahhhh, remember the female condom?  Yeah, neither do I.  The poor old female condom seems like one of those ideas that got lost in time, like Esperanto or getting Americans to understand the metric system.  I mean, did any of you ever use a female condom?  Or even see one?  (If so, do tell.)

It's not much of a mystery why we aren't all using female condoms on a daily basis.  (Although I personally am wearing one right now.  You know, just in case.)  According to the Wikipedia entry on female condoms (because I am willing to spend minutes on research for you, dear reader), "reported 'rustling' sounds during intercourse turn off some potential users, as does the visibility of the outer ring which remains outside of the vagina."  Yes, the rubbery thing hanging out your nether regions seems like it would be a deal-breaker for most people, especially since the instructions for the contraceptive warn that the device should be hanging out at least an inch.  Yes, hanging out there an inch, flapping in the breeze.  Promotional materials also note that the female condom can be put in early. Perhaps as a way to pre-tease you lover via rustling sounds and the obvious visual.  "Damn girl, is that what I think it is hanging out your pants?"  As if all this weren't enough--and believe me, I think it is--the name given female condoms by the FDA is "vaginal pouches."

The odd coda to all this that Female Health Company (FHC), the maker of female condoms, was just named 8th in the top 100 fastest growing publicly traded small companies by Fortune.  How can this be?    Well, it seems we have been distributing massive amounts to women in developing countries, like a mean big sister handing down clothing rejects.  "Here, these are totally lame.  But you might like them."

And btw, if all this talk of female condoms is making you hot, they're still available here in America from Good Vibrations.