World's Oldest Cosmo Girl*

My relationship with AI is similar to that of any number of my toxic f-buddies of yore. I spend weeks telling anyone who will listen how much they clearly suck, then one night in a momentary fit of desperation, I'll find myself in a "U up?" situation. 

In this case, my booty call was with Claude, Anthropic's A.I. product/future overlord. Claude is supposedly the "good" one of the A.I. lot, but that's kind of like being the less bad Tate brother. 

I so so so wish Claude and his creepy brethren weren't evil for a variety of huge, existential reasons, but one of the lesser ones is that, if it weren't so fucking scary, Claude's "personality" is really quite delightful. Instead of the endless bulleted lists and vaguely desperate follow-up questions of ChatGPT's compliment machine or whatever Nazi shit Grok is doing, Claude's soulless machine answers appear oddly well-considered and thought-provoking. If it weren't for the everything (waves hand vaguely in the direction of tech), I would be all in. 

Anyway, I (guiltily and probably idiotically)** put some of my blog*** posts into Claude, hoping for direction, and asked it, "Is this anything?" Instead of answering what I'd kinda hoped--i.e. "This is clearly a genius book. No editing required due to perfection"--Claude said my blog was a descent into despair. Which, jeez. Ever heard of a compliment sandwich, Claude?

But, as it turns out, I now have PLENTY of time now to liven it up around here because I'm no longer the Sex Positions lady at Cosmo. This is nothing but good because:

1.  I wrote them for ten (10!) plus years is which is way WAY too fucking long.

2.  especially because there are maybe 5-10 positions, tops. Free sex tip: find how your bodies fit together and do that.)

3.  sex is not about how you array yourselves, but about connection and complimentary perviness.

4.  being the Cosmo sex positions lady at age 61 is pretty unseemly.

5.  being the Cosmo sex positions lady at any age is really fucking embarrassing. (FWIW, I did try to make it more realistic and less gendered/hetero and used a fuckton of DEI to a get a diverse array of experts and I'd do it AGAIN--All the DEI! Bwahhahahahaha!)****  

6.  one time a really long time ago, I wrote an article for the print magazine and under my byline they added a sentence involving the phrase "Sm-oral--gasbord" which is objectively a shit pun, even among puns. I am still (clearly) salty about this. 

7.  communication errors between me and the very kind illustrator leading to upsetting results like whatever the fuck this position is:

 

um....

 

All that to say that today, instead of a gold watch to commemorate my service to corporate Big Sex, I received a final box of sex toy swag which I'm here to bequeath to you, Gentle Reader. That is, if you still exist/haven't descended into despair. (Details at the end of this post.)

 

What I gots, thanks to the kind folks at Adam & Eve: 

--L-O-V-E Interchangeable Vibrator Collection, a mini vibe with a 4 attachments: a finger attachment, G-spot/clit stim combo, a cock ring and a sort of soft knobby bit to press against whatever you please. 

--Spinfinity Thrusting Pleasure Pro, a sort of thrusting dildo/sex machine combo with 60+ spinning, thrusting and twisting modes to keep you off my back for awhile.

--Rise N Grind, a cock ring with nubbly vibrations.  

--Love Bud Mini, a mini-clit vibe with tapping, vibration and suction tops. 

--Rumble-Flex Grinder Wand, for grinding or pressing in or on a wide variety of body parts.

--A soy massage candle, pink champagne, whatever that means. 

--WeVibe Wand 2, wand vibrator with deep rumbly vibrations and you can have someone control it from afar via a free app. Also it chugs away for 120 minutes in case it takes you 2 hours to come via jackhammer on the groin. 

--WeVibe Sync Lite, a wearable couples toy.  

--Mystic Finger Vibe, wear on your finger for that sexy lobster look. Use in shower for great veracity.

--Love Bud Mini Clit Stimulator, comes with attachments.  

--Dainty Darling Mini Finger Vibe, looks like a manta ray, kinda 

--Petite Lily Wand Mini Massager, why not fuck a flower, I say.

 

I can trace my own descent into the depths to, oh, 2016. But I am feeling a LOT less despairy since November 3.

 

What say you? 

 

xoxo

jill 

*The original old-ass Cosmo girl, Helen Gurley Brown, might have been older? I'll have my secretary Agnes look it up.

**I actually ASKED Claude not to use my words to train the machine and when it said it wouldn't, I BELIEVED it. You know, like a chump.  

***Blog: an archaic form of communication used by the people of the 2010s. Usage: "Are you fucking serious--a blog??? Has she not heard of Substack, FFS?" 

 ****I also tried to make sure that every person who read it was aware that a truly huge majority of women/people with clits were not gonna have an orgasm via P-in-V alone. This is because when I was but a wee one in my 20s, I DID NOT KNOW THIS. I thought I was broken. And I don't think I was alone. Within the past 10 years, a very smart and attentive guy told me that his new GF had a sexual problem bc she couldn't come via fucking. He was in his 50s.  I didn't want to tell him that he'd probably had decades of women faking orgasms for him. (Me included, back in 1987. Sorry all women and feminism in general!) 

*****Why are you reading this? This is a fake footnote.

The details:  Pick one or pick a few to fill a box. You pay for postage (a medium flat rate priority box is $25.80, large is $36.10) plus a tip, if you're Mr. Monopoly. (If you're more like Baltic Avenue, worry not!) Will be cheaper if it's something light and small. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.  Email me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com and tell me what you desire. I'll delete stuff as it goes.

My Blackmailer Knows...My Secret!

Scree scree scree!

A while back, I received an email.

"Greetings," it started, friendly enough.

"I want to inform you about an important event that concerns your personal life! I know your secret!" This did sound important--lots of exclamation points! And yes, unlike you and everyone else on the planet, I DO have secrets!* How did they know???

"The fact is that I have been able to monitor your device and peripherals for some time and have figured out your email address." Meh, all of y'all know my email address too. It's jillhamilton001@gmail.com. There it is, plain as day. Still, I had to admire his commitment to monitoring my online activities which include both doom scrolling and crosswords.

"It has to do with the adult sites you visit." Oh. Yeeeeeah. I do that too. It's kind of my job, but still!

Mr. Greetings, not so GD friendly now, put a virus on my device, he says. He didn't mention which device but I was hoping it was something like the toaster, which doesn't know much. 

"Now your device is completely under my control. I can turn the microphone and camera on and off at any time." If he was gonna manically laugh, this would be the appropriate point.

"I have all copies of your data, including photos, social networks, correspondence and contacts of friends, family and colleagues," he warned. (And yeah I know it's sexist to say he's a he, but c'mon, no women would do this shit.)

"After thinking about it for a while, I decided to make an original video. The main character is you masturbating to a hard fuck." Well...it is not untrue that I have done such a thing.

"The screen in the video is divided into two parts: one side is you, the other side is the video you're watching. It's very entertaining." Entertaining? Very? Well, thanks I guess. 

"I assume you don't want your acquaintances, friends and relatives to see this masterpiece? Think of your honor and dignity!" My dignity? Okay, clearly this dude does not know me at all. 

But then he gives up the game.

"I see you like Negroes? Well, soon everyone you know will know about your hobbies."  Okay.  A. I'm sorry--did he just say Negroes? Really, guy? In 2022? B. Porn-wise, I search for men having sex with each other. As you know. C. I like lots of Black people plenty (not you, Candice Owens), but it's not really a factor in my porn habits. D. Still, even if I had a hardcore racial preference (which is fine? or maybe not? not sure...) who the fuck searches for "Negroes" besides a 97 year old man in Kentucky yelling at the Google???

Anyhow, the dude offered to delete the video for $650, for some reason giving me an unasked for discount off his usual price of $1000. Perhaps it was because my video was "very entertaining"? I'm decently vain but I doubted that my acquaintances, friends and relatives would be very entertained by a split screen video of highly specific porn and a wanking middle-aged chick filmed from the universally unflattering below-the-chin angle.

He gave me 24 hours before releasing the Kracken or whatever and then abruptly offered me even more savings (50 bucks off!) if I paid within an hour. 

He offered a few more threats--don't delete, don't complain, blah blah blah. "If find out right away that you somehow shared this email** - the video will be distributed immediately - you will become a porn star on all video platforms," he wrote, again resorting to flattery. A porn star? Really???

Then he ended it oddly with. "Don't be offended and good luck to you." F-ing weirdo.

Anyway, even though I knew for sure I wasn't looking at what he said, I was a little skeeved out. It may be relevant here to mention that when I get calls about "being sued over an important matter," I always make my husband reassure me that it's fake. "They would serve you via mail," he always says patiently, with the tiniest bit of "jeez, lady" in there. I am kind of a mark is what I'm saying.

Despite all this, I did not end up paying him--though I have watched plenty of porn and it would indeed give me his promised "peace of mind" if you all did not observe me doing it.

However I got that email in 2021 and then...nothing. NOT A ONE of you have told me what a very entertaining porn star I am. I'm a little disappointed, but my dignity remains intact (lol) and I saved $1000, $650 or $600, depending.

xoxo

jill

*Sometimes*** I pretend to be asleep when the dog barks so someone else has to let her out. 

**Oops

***Often