Our Forefathers...So Embarrassing

Credit: Peter Zetterlund, 
Swedish National Heritage Board

Oh, I get the best mail around here.* Like this:  Reader Leslie of Long Beach, California, sent in an article about this ancient Stone Age tool (shown left) which--and I think we can all agree on this--most decidedly does not look like an axe or bowl or, really, any other non-dildo-related object. Says the caption below the photo:

This bone carving from Stone Age Sweden could be an ancient dildo, scientists say. Then again, it might just be a carving tool.

Right. There is no damn way that is a carving tool. (Though if it were, I am certain Stone Age fifth graders giggled away as the hapless Auk cluelessly carved with his cool-looking, self-designed carving tool. "What's so damn funny about me carving?" he grunted, waving the penis-shaped tool in annoyance, yet again.)

And lest you think In Bed With Married Women is a big perv that thinks everything looks like a penis, rest assured, we're not the only ones who see it. A real scientist thinks so too:

"Your mind and my mind wanders away to make this interpretation about what it looks like – for you and me, it signals this erected-penis-like shape," said archaeologist Göran Gruber of the National Heritage Board in Sweden, who worked on the excavation.

The archaeologist's language is oddly poetic. "Your mind and my mind wanders away...." Um, is this dude hitting on us? But I do like how Gruber just boldly notes the "erected-penis-like shape." In Sweden, you see, they are more open-minded. The "erected-penis-like shape" is one of the basic shapes taught to all Swedish kindergardeners.

This is not the first time we've uncovered evidence that our ancestors were a randy lot. In a previous post, we notified you about an object that scientists concluded was an ancient sex toy/firestarter tool--an awkward and bewildering combo that for semi-obvious reasons never quite caught on. I would liken it to today's KFC Chicken & Biscuit Bowl which is some godawful-sounding mishmash of fried chicken, corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, three cheeses and a buttermilk biscuit tucked in the side. (The comparison, by the way, is regarding the awkward combo-ness aspect.  I am most decidedly not suggesting that you use the KFC Chicken & Biscuit Bowl as either a firestarter or a sex toy. And especially not as both at the same time.)

The prevalence of these ancient sex toys raises some questions. Was it such a good idea to be fashioning dildos when there were still down comforters, iPhones and toilets to invent? Is this just the beginning of such findings and soon Swedish scientists will be uncovering Stone Age anal bleaching kits, vajazzling rocks and primitive inflatable sex cows made entirely of rock? Did Mrs. Auk claim the object tucked in her nightstand drawer was a "carving tool," much like Modern Woman's "back massager"? And, finally, how embarrassing would it be it future Swedish scientists were measuring, analyzing and photographing the contents of your nightstand drawer? "The object in question is purple and squishy and has the erected penis-like shape..."



* Not always. The other day I got a message from a young woman that read, "You are so going to hell. Have fun with that." What was weird to me about it was the combo of misinterpreted Christianity ("Jesus NEEDS me to send snippy emails to strangers.") with the teenage phrasing. I am not just going to hell, I am SO going to hell, like I am in some extra-special category of hell-goers. Perhaps it's like having your tickets at Hell's Will Call booth or something. And the "Have fun with that"--it's like a Mean Girl from the popular lunch table is banishing me to hell. "Have fun with that. And make sure you wear those geeky pants you have on too, loser."