Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Instant-ish Karma Contest

Early remote control vibes were unweldly
In Bed With Married Women has hit well over half a million page views, which is great--even though maybe 100,000 or so are from people like... the dear Canadian who Googled "Barbie beds in Hamilton" and instead of getting a nice kids' furniture store in Hamilton, Ontario, got my post about some dude sticking a stack of Barbie doll heads up his butt.

And in the past couple of days, some of you lovely souls have bought stuff through Amazon, Good Vibrations or shelled out for a Kindle subscription.  So I'm happy--or at least as happy as I can be on my new, only marginally effective, generic Lexapro.

In this state of sort of/almost happiness, I am moved to do something for you. Something I do best, which is give sex toys to random people online. Which, luckily, is exactly the career choice What Color Is Your Parachute? recommended for me.

Today's offering is the bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator from Good Vibrations. Best of all:  Remote. Controlled. Which is completely hot.

Oh, I'll press it again. If you beg.
A $69 value, here's the blurb:
This ingenious and quiet little vibe is perfect for naughty partner play! Hand over the remote (which will work up to 20' away when the batteries are fresh), tuck the velvety soft-finish waterproof bullet somewhere sensitive, and wait for unexpected (or carefully negotiated) fun to begin! The remote's backlit screen shows which of the ten different functions -- from different vibration intensities to oscillation and pulsation settings -- is currently working its magic.
(There was also a bit in there about not sticking it up your butt and "a cord for retrieval when used vaginally," but the whole idea of remote controlled butts and heroic vaginal rescues seemed like it might "ruin the mood.")

Anyway to enter, do something nice for In Bed With Married Women--go to the right margin and donate, buy some Amazon thing or get a big honking vibrator from Good Vibrations (Jesus, look at this one.) If you're cash poor, but rich in friends and $6.99 bottles of generic Lexapro (I hear ya), then you could recommend a post on Facebook or pass a note to a friend in class or something. Whatever you want! I won't even check because that's how much I trust your ass, Dear Internet Stranger.

To let me know you have indeed entered and do--dammit!--want that Wireless Vibe up your wang or the wang of someone you love, leave a comment below. You can tell us what act of IBWMW boosterism you did, or not. I'm not the boss of you. And if you're shy,  send me an email.


ps Jennifer M. asked on the IBWMW Facebook page how the Amazon, and Good Vibes ordering works. If you order something using a link on this page, I get a cut. However, I DO NOT see who is ordering what or anything. So, if you want to stock up on all your Santa fetish gear and accompanying erotica, I will be none the wiser. So go to fucking town.

pss Winner announced Monday.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Santa Fetish, Big-Ass Labia, and Ancient Sex Advice

I have a Very Special gift for you both.
Random detritus from the IBWMW inbox.

--That is Some Good Lookin' Labia

Caitlin Grace, a Wellbeing Coach in New Zealand, sent in this documentary called The Perfect Vagina, about chicks getting plastic surgery on their "fannies," as they call them overseas. As you may recall, I am against the cutting of one's sexual organs--up to and including fannies--in order to look like all of the other Sneetches, and this vid let me stay comfortably within my cozy worldview.

Go have a look if you'd like--it's free. A caveat: cover your eyes during the highly graphic surgery scene. Slabs of skin cut off! Slabs! Which not only burned a permanent discomforting image into my brain, but also led to the following Unproductive Thought Spiral (which seems to be happening more frequently now that I've had to switch from expensive "name brand" Lexapro to a generic made in a foreign land and sold at Costco for $6.99.)

To wit:
1. Became concerned with how said vag slabs are disposed of. You can't just toss 'em in the trash, right? Compost pile? Surely it's not e-waste. Which reminded me of...
2. The Mystery of the Possibly Missing Clit and  @jeannehospod's snarky Twitter answer: "check jeans pocket" which gave me the unsettling image of a linty clit in a jeans pocket. Making it even worse, she continued, "Cleaning the lint catcher on the dryer should prevent that. 'Oh there's a dime, foil gum wrapper, and...ooh! there it is!'" Which made me think of...
3. All the moles dermatologists cut off and how there is someone working at a lab somewhere who walks into work and is confronted with a bunch of little packets containing tiny little moles that they must cheerfully examine. But I digress.

Anyway, today when I was looking at the Perfect Vagina site, I learned that the reasons for labioplasty include this:

some women complain that...riding a bike is uncomfortable

Which just makes me curious how fucking big, labia-wise, we're talking. I mean, to be uncomfortable on a bike, they'd have to be...what?...like getting caught in the wheels? So big you don't need any padding on your seat? I mean, if they're "can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow" size, hell, maybe I am supportive of a little nip and tuck.

Now unclear on my labial worldview.  Leave me alone.

--Oh, Santa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, SSssssssssaaaaaantaaaaa, oh God, yes!

The holiday season is coming up which means it's time to start thinking about Santa, particularly how sexy it would be to have him pull down his velvety red pants then slowly slide his snowy white pubes against your throbbing center. Because, yes, a Santa fetish is a real thing.

A Santa fetish can involve being fucked by Santa, or alternately, being Santa and fucking others. Today, for example, on porn site xnxx there are 287 videos tagged with the word "Santa." (If you have a spare moment and an easily erasable search history, I would urge you to look the sheer crazy-ass variety of specialty tags there representing a wide variety of human sexual expression* including "mother-in-law," "poltergeist," uh-oh--hold the phone on that labioplasty-- a stunning 1178 videos for "mega pussy lips." And I presume they mean the still-attached kind. Though at this point I'm pretty sure that someone somewhere is probably jerking off to the thought of a medical waste bin chockful of removed, oh god, never mind, I'm not even going to finish that sentence.)

In case you're thinking it's just porn-obsessed dirty pervs with the Santa fetish, sensitive literate folk get hot for Santa fuckery as well. Here's a selection from the story Sara's Santa Fetish--it's Santarotica, a word I hope I just made up.

"I know what you've been thinking, I know for what you long, and tonight's a special night indeed, because Santa isn't wrong," he spoke, rhyming the words as if singing a verse from Santa Claus is Coming to Town. "I know when you lay in bed at night, your body longs for me, and tonight I'll make your dreams come true, Sara I'll set you free."

Oh there's more. Plenty more.

The fantasies flashed in her mind like movie trailers of the oft-repeated nights she lay in bed at night, thighs wide, fingering her clit while rubbing a wig or other such prop against her inner legs as if to replicate the feel of facial hair, a beard... Santa's beard. She'd thought of the things he'd do to her, of the pleasure he would bring, but - but -

"It's happening, Sara," he promised with a soft, belly-shaking chuckle. "Lean back and enjoy this very special gift."

I don't why I love this so much. Maybe it has something to do with the usual erotica tropes--the straining nipples, bucking hips and the like coupled with the Santa-y references to jolliness, his "silky soft beard," and that "soft, belly-shaking chuckle."

"Enjoy this very special gift" indeed. "Gee, Santa, is it your cock? Again?"

--Sex Advice from 2000 Years Ago.
Maybe it's the overseas "Lexapro" talking, but I'm reading a recent translation of the Kama Sutraand discovered some Ancient Wisdom to pass on to you:

Making Oneself Attractive
"The eye of a peacock or hyena, put inside a locket of gold and worn on the right hand, renders one attractive."

You already knew that one? Okay then, here's one for the gentlemen.

Bewitching a Woman
"Sex with a woman when the penis is smeared with honey mixed with a powder of thorn apple, black pepper and long pepper will bewitch her into one's power. Using a powder made of wind-blown leaves, flowers left on a corpse and peacock bones has the same effect."


*none of them, unfortunately, with the tag "Marc Maron."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Dr. Andrea and the Mystery of the Possibly Missing Clit*

Welcome, troubled friends, to the third installment of Ask Doctor Andrea. Dr. Andrea is our groovy IBWMW Doctor-at-Large with specialties in women's/sexual health, nutrition, and Ayurveda. If you have an entertainingly embarrassing problem, or hell, just a regular old boring one, man up and email it on in. (Note: This is not a substitute for individual medical advice or care. So if Dr. Andrea tells you to stick a rusty tin can up your butt or something, check with your doctor first.)

I have been married for 35 years and I have seen my wife have four orgasms in that time. The first one was on our 25th anniversary vacation. She says she has very little desire for sex. But we make love once or twice a week and she says she enjoys it to a degree (the touching, skin-on-skin, closeness, cuddling, etc.). 

We have had ups and downs in the relationship but overall do pretty well together.  We have seen counselors to keep the relationship healthy and we have talked about her lack of desire and lack of orgasms.  The conclusion is that she just has a low libido and is “wired” with a low sex drive.  That’s just how she is, physically and personality-wise, so I am trying to accept that (as one might accept a physical disability in a partner). 

Still, there are some paths we have not explored thoroughly.  To get to the point, what is a "normal" clitoris? I know where it is supposed to be, but will an aroused woman have a little button or bump or something external that a man can feel there (with finger or tongue or whatever)? Because I have never felt anything more than a slight swelling at the top of my wife's genitals. I suspect that may a contributor to her lack of responsiveness.

I have only been intimate with my wife, so I have nothing to use as a comparison.  But when I read erotica: “He rolled my swollen clit between his fingers” or self help books (Satisfaction, K. Cattrall & M. Levinson): “The clitoris responds quickly when his tongue draws circles on its surface.”

Surface?  Circles?  Swollen?  Sounds like their should be a little button or nub or something.  In all my years of going down there, there is nothing “sticking out” or swollen or anything but concave cleft between her labia minor. My wife says she can feel her clit, but I certainly cannot. I have heard there are medical conditions where the clit never "descends" or stays under the clitoral hood. She could have a general sensation there but nothing I can detect externally.  How common is that?

She is also very sensitive in that area.  When I rub it to try to stimulate her, after a minute or so, she pushes me away, complaining I am “rubbing her raw,” even if we are using a lot of lubricant.  I have talked to her about this over the years, and although I try to be very gentle about it, it's a difficult subject to discuss, as she takes it as me criticizing her, or saying something is wrong with her. Well, four orgasms in 35 years, it sounds like something is not right. But she says she has asked her OBGYN and she says she's "normal" physically.

I just wonder if this could be related to her difficulty in enjoying sex.


Dr. Andrea: First of all, thank you for asking! It shows you are willing to find new information to be more aware of what's going on and try to change a situation that isn't as fulfilling as it could be. Kudos.

I have to say I have several questions before I answer as best I can with limited information- it's odd to do it over the internet and not in person so I can see the expressions/body language/energy of both people.

That said, here is my response:

It's probably not her anatomy. Everyone's clitoris is different- and the thing is, it's a tiny area with a fantastically dense amount of nerve endings, and since she's 'super sensitive in that area,' you have noticed 'swelling,' and there's no history of female circumcision (RIGHT?!?), she's likely perfect. Most don't actually 'pop out.' It's not a penis, and there's a reason it was so 'mysterious' for much of western medical history (cultural patriarchal issues aside for the moment). When did you start trying to find her clitoris? Atrophy does occur in women as they age, and the entire area can flatten and thin out, especially if sex is infrequent (or unsatisfying- the positive hormonal and anatomical response is important in keeping the tissue functioning), so the anatomy may have changed slightly since you married. Is she peri- during- or post-menopausal? Changing hormonal balance could also affect her perception, lubrication, enjoyment, and communication, depending on how it's going for her.

Point two about anatomy- the female body has about a billion potential erogenous zones. Let that sink in. Think about a billion. Yes, the clitoris is a magical thing. But imagine this: take all the nerve endings in your penis, all of them, and shrink the physical size of skin area down to smaller than your pinky finger tip, then poke/prod/itch/tap/lick only that tiny area for more than a second or two = overwhelm and irritation = forget it. Especially if it's never been successful before. Not fun so much. 

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