How I Became An "Anal Bleaching Expert"

Hey there. Are you busy? Google the phrase "anal bleaching expert" (with the quotes). Go ahead, I'll wait.... Do you see what I mean?

YES, to my horror, I am now the stinkin' top hit for "anal bleaching expert." How can this be? I mean, I only wrote one post about anal bleaching--okay, fine, I wrote two--but that's not the point. The point is that I'm placing the blame for all this squarely on the shoulders of the newly-hateful* Stephenson Billings, writer for parody extremist Christian web site ChristWire. (At least I certainly hope it's a fake site.)

In his post, Anal Bleaching, For the Sodomite Who Wants to Look His Best, Billings warns his readers of the horrors of anal bleaching, citing the In Bed With Married Women post Is Your Anus Looking Its Whitest?, and referring to me as an "anal bleaching expert." When I saw this, I replied something to him like, "Oh great, now I am an anal bleaching 'expert,'" noting that I would need to print up new business cards.

At this point, Billings cruelly referred to me again--in bold letters no less--as Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton. Well, that did it. ChristWire has a gazillion readers and before I could sputter impotently, "But, wait a minut...", I had become...Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton. Which, now that I see it in all caps, sounds like a really unhelpful Superhero.

Few things would please me more than seeking revenge on Billings, but I am stymied about what to do.  What could I do, really, that would be worse than linking his name in cyberspace forever to the phrase "anal bleaching expert"? So I guess I have no choice but to embrace Who I Am. So to potential employers, my daughters' future beaus, and others who Google me to check my reliability, character, etc...I say, Yes--hear me loud, hear me proud--I am Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton and there's not damn thing I can do about it!

(*Note: I do not actually find Stephenson Billings to be hateful. I mean, this has to be the best joke anyone has played on me, ever.)

"How to Spot A Masturbator"

My undying gratitude goes to the reader who sent me How To Spot A Masturbator. If you look at the article--and you probably should--you will read that masturbation is "a serious issue facing families today" causing all kinds of ills from penile fracture, workplace accidents, raw and callused hands, and a tendency to leave one's shirt untucked to allow "easy access."

Or so reports ChristWire, a website offering "Conservative Values for an Unsaved World." I'm 99.7% sure it's a parody site--I mean, its other Onion-esque news stories include "Satan Now Teaching Animals To Sin"--but it so could be real. What do you think? Look at this from the article's author/masturbator-spotting expert Stephenson Billings:

Despite the warnings of doctors and religious scholars, masturbation still remains very popular in America. As a society, this degree of self-manipulation goes too far in familiarizing men and women with their bodies. 

It all certainly seems like a joke--People becoming familiar with their bodies??!! This must be stopped!!--but there really are people who believe jacking off is sinful and bad. (See previous In Bed post: If You Can't Be With The One You Love). ChristWire is brilliant in how close it echoes real-life extreme views. Check out this passage in which Billings offers parents advice on curbing a son's self-abuse.

To help turn the tide on this crisis, it’s important for parents and work supervisors to be able to spot a chronic or even just a casual masturbator in their midst...One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.” If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear.

There are just so many things wrong with this advice--not the least of which is that no one in their right mind should EVER press their nose to a teen boy's mattress and inhale deeply--but haven't you read parenting advice that's just as wrong-headed? Is this any more stupid than "experts" that purport to turn gay people straight?

ChristWire is so spot-on, it had me fooled for an embarrassingly long time. And, honestly, I was kind of bummed when it finally dawned on me that it was satirical. Still, if you want some hideously misguided advice on topics such as Do Gay Pets Go To Heaven?, I'd recommend you head to ChristWire straight away.