Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Semen Strips are Still Not Candy, Vaginal Oppression, and other Reader Mail.

Grapes: A more suitable snack choice
--Semen Strips--Still Not Candy
"This stopped me dead in my tracks," wrote the apparently recovered William Quincy Belle, sending a screen shot showing IBWMW is the #1 hit on Google Canada for "semen strips are not candy." (Sadly, we still languish at number 3 here in the U.S.)

Still, I stand by the "not candy" statement regarding Masque--a kind of watermelon fruit-roll-up product that you place in your mouth before giving head to neutralize the taste of your lover's very Life Essence--despite the company's confusing assertion in their FAQs: 

"They are certainly not candy and were created for an intended purpose. However, we have many people in our office that eat them merely for the taste."

Which indicates to me less about semen strips' deliciousness and more that the Masque corporate offices are in dire, dire need of a decent vending machine.

--The Misguider Googler of the Day
The dear soul who found us via the search term "woman has fat camel toe vagina."  

--My Work Sullying Other Places
The brave and beautiful Erica at A Sexy Woman of a Certain Age is running my piece The Appeal of an Older Woman. She also called me a "debauched ninja" which I fucking love. Look for her piece about her 7 most erotic experiences appearing here anon.

My article about Trisha Borowicz's bad-ass film Science Sex and the Ladies and how it's pretty much biologically impossible for most women to reliably (or ever) come via p-in-v fuckery is currently running in Salon as The Simple Secret To Making Women Orgasm No One Understands and AlterNet as The Simple "Secret" to Making a Woman Orgasm That Way Too Many People Don't Get (it's the number one story!)

I made the mistake of reading the hatey comments, which for the record is not a good way to start your day, and got all bunged up when people said stuff like "I come vaginally--that's BS, you're oppressing me, etc..." (Note:  If the majority of people have an experience but you don't, that doesn't mean the statement is untrue, it just means you're in the minority.  Because that's how statistics fucking work.)

Anyway, tons of nicer, more logical people shared the story via Facebook and Twitter and totally got it, like Jane Rising who wrote this today: 

I was raised Mormon, and Mormons are taught that masturbating is BAD BAD BAD. I was a good Mormon girl, so I never ever touched myself. For reals. I got married at age 22, and was expecting all of my sexual frustration to come to an end in holy matrimony. But my husband didn't seem to know anything about sex, either, and it just never felt that good to me. We were just doing it the way we saw people do it on tv or in movies (the PG-13 ones, of course). It took about 5 minutes, and for me it was just wet and slimey and didn't feel like anything other than a mess. He seemed pretty happy with me, though, so I patted myself on the back for being a good wife.

As time went on, he seemed less and less happy with me. He wanted me to be thinking about sex all the time, and I wasn't. He wanted me to want him, and I didn't. He wanted me to "get into it," and I couldn't. So he sent me to a sex therapist, who was supposed to "fix" me. Nothing really changed.

After 16 years unhappily married to this man, I filed for divorce. And about a year later I stopped being Mormon. Imagine my surprise when I had sex for the first time with someone other than my husband. This new guy spent a few minutes with his fingers on my clit and I was through the roof. I started weeping. He wanted to know if something was wrong. Why was I crying? Because I had just had my first orgasm at age 39, and it was so easy. After all those years of anger, blame, frustration, guilt and pressure, I finally realized that I was not broken. Not broken one bit.

I haven't had a chance to watch this movie yet--I just read about it today for the first time. But the message of this film needs to be spread far and wide, and hopefully make its way to women like I used to be--women trapped by ignorance in a miserable sex life. We need to know our own bodies, claim them, and love them.

--"Gigantic and Instantly Fun"

Murca, a blogger in Estonia, wrote this about In Bed With Married Women:

Minu see lemmik väljamaa blogi peab juba mõnda aega suurt pidustust avaldades ja taasavaldades lugejate päris (voodi)elu lugusid. Ja see on nii hiigla tore ja kõhe ja huvitav ja veidral kombel haarav, et ma just mõtsin, et üks blogi ei saa enam paremaks minna ja siis see läks.

which according to Google translate means:

My favorite Väljamäe this blog has been for some time, and big parties by publishing a pretty taasavaldades readers (bed) life stories. And it is so gigantic and instantly fun and exciting and strangely captivating, so I just mõtsin that one blog will no longer get better and then it went away.

Which, for me at least, could also use a Google translation. If you speak Estonia, let me know what it means. Unless Väljamäe means "you're vaginally oppressing me," in which case, keep that $%## to yourself.

--Why I Can Never Get A Real Job, Reason #47
A friend who moved away said her daughter remembers me as "the penis and vagina pals lady." Which is awesome and totally what I'm doing the very next time I'm called upon to do an animated feature and/or children's puppet show.



Oop said...

Estonian translation: "For quite some time now, my favourite foreign blog has been holding a big party, publishing and republishing the true (bed) stories of their readers. And that's so fricking cool and scary and interesting and strangely engaging that I just thought that a blog couldn't be better - and then it still did."

Really, this is a very good and necessary blog. Keep up the good work! (And no, I'm not Murca.)

P.S. While my personal experience is still statistically irrelevant, I think I can state that I have actually known (also, in the biblical sense) several women who were very much able to get a vaginal orgasm. Although, yes, clitoris is like bacon, as everything is better with it. (An American friend of mine says it's also true for Estonians. I suppose Estonians with a clit are the best ones.)

The Bun said...

Very true - I'm one of the women who won the vagina jackpot, but I've actually felt slightly bad about it when I've slept with less-experienced men, like, am I teaching them bad habits? Fortunately, my sweetheart, though less experienced than me, had been very well educated, gold star for both him and his previous girlfriends.
But yes, I'm well aware I'm basically a robot unicorn. (Wouldn't that be the best, though, if that were literally true?!)

in bed with married women said...

Oop--Thank you for the delightful and insanely quick translation!

Also, it's not so much that it's "statistically irrelevant" but that the experience of clit-attention needing women is pretty much not represented in TV, movies, even romance novels written by women. I was watching "feminist porn" (for work--I swear!) yesterday and even there the women were all appearing to be orgasmic via p in v.

in bed with married women said...

The Bun, yes totally a jackpot winner--glad you see it that way instead of, well, another. xoxoxo

The Bun said...

Well, as wiser people than me have said, a statistical minority and a sociopolitical one are not necessarily the same thing. (And I have trouble picturing you oppressing anyone, Jill!)

(And Oop - for all that I love your analogy, I'm inclined to think that clit may be on the small list of things that aren't literally better with bacon, though I'll defer to the judgements of those more inclined to taste-test it...)

Oop said...

What's wrong with watching feminist porn for not-work-related purposes? After all, I'm not entirely sure it has been provided with that sole function in mind.

The little experience I have gatheres has convinced me that this field of study is so multidimensional and all effects so individual that you can keep learning new things for a lifetime and still be surprised every time. It's best to use very personal approach to each case with an open mind and no prejudices (if such a thing is possible for human beings), keeping also in mind that for a new combination of two people, none of their previous experiences does not necessarily apply. Nevertheless, educating yourself is always useful.

As a philosophy major, I should be clearer in my expressions. My apologies. For clarity's sake, let me give some ratings for all the possibly combinations.
* bacon - 3 points
* Estonian - 4 points
* clit - 5 points
* Estonian with bacon - 7 points
* Estonian with clit - 9 points
* Estonian with clit and bacon - 12 points (max on the Eurovision song contest)
* clit with bacon - an irrelevant and possibly dangerous combination (down there, you want to be very careful)

Also, hurrah for robot unicorns. How did you pass the "I'm not a robot"-test just below the commenting box?

Anonymous said...

The Former LDS comments really hit home for me, but from the male point of view. Imagine you're a man in your 30s and have not been allowed to do anything sexual. My husband has had to spend years learning how to be sexual, from masturbation to actual sex acts. I think he's done amazingly, considering he'd never kissed a girl until our relationship started. Men in particular are encouraged to masturbate due to sexual health and urological health. The slimey comment was also spot on. My dear one has a distaste/fear of bodily fluids and yes, women's genitals. Sigh. We're still working on that aspect. Since I've never had a partner who knew or would perform oral sex, I'm still waiting to try it. Maybe for my "big" birthday this year?

murca said...

Came here to do some important translating on my hoplessly untranslatable estonian gibberish and you're already done. Good job. And yes - I really love your blog.

The thing about clits is that they are quite big. Aren't they? Mostly hidden inside, curving around the vagina. When aroused it fills up with blood and makes all sorts of sensations happen inside and out on the surface. At least that is what I have collected so far.
My question is: If penises do nothing enjoyable for the majority of people with vaginas why are there penis shaped vibrators?

ValdVin said...

However, we have many people in our office that eat them merely for the taste.

The same way I chew flavored condoms when I run out of Starbursts.

Maybe they need to install a mens' room-style condom vending machine in the hallway.

John M said...

This is work of cosmic art, and genius, and totally hilarious. (Estonian translation, esp), says English guy in Sweden

in bed with married women said...

LDS Anon-- not happy for your situation but oooh, man, it makes me so happy when something hits another reader just right. that's why i'm so into telling the truth.

Vald and Oops, ha and also ha!

Murca-- Teretulnud! I love that we are finding each other across the world. Madness! As for vagina love, the idea isn't that vaginal stimulation isn't pleasurable--it's the best, man! hence penis shaped vibes. but that for most women, non-vibrating penis thrusting is not gonna be the primary thing that makes them come. it's one really great part of the broader thing.

in bed with married women said...

John M in Sweden, you just made my damn day. xo

The Bun said...

Oop, I only just remembered to come back to this post, and I sure didn't mean to imply you were doing it wrong! I mean, maybe clit IS better with bacon? I feel like I remember seeing, and shuddering at the thought of, a bacon-flavored lube once, so someone out there must have tasted it.

As to how I passed the robot test, I'm torn between "magic" and "very carefully"...