Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Anti-Semen Candy, Masturbating Ancestors and Christ-Honoring Anal Beads, aka Reader Mail


Just...one...more...episode...
I am such a sanctimonious ass when it comes to TV. Whenever someone asks me if I've seen some show, instead of replying, "No, I haven't yet," I invariably sniff, "No. I don't really watch TV."  As though my excessive loitering in coffee shops and sneaking off to Barnes and Nobles to read celebrity magazines (which I also publicly purport to "hate") is a somehow superior way to spend one's time.

I think my virulence against TV watching is because I fear that I don't really hate it, but might actually love it too much. Perhaps if I started watching, I'd soon be glassy-eyed and unresponsive, watching 24 hour marathons of "House Hunters" and sitting in a pile of my own waste. It's kind of like how George W. Bush had to become uber-religious to stave away his ever-present mighty urge to become a coke-snorting ass-grabbing drunk again.

My theory was proven to be semi-correct the other day when we got a month of free streaming Netflix. When you sign up, they ask you what sorts of things you like to watch. I selected "cerebral indie films", "foreign films," "documentaries" and the like, but when it came down to it, I sat my ass down and started watching episode after episode of fucking..."Hoarders." I even watched part of an episode during the day, which is especially shameful to me since I consider to daytime TV watching to be the absolute height of slovenliness and a complete moral failing.

I did learn something. Well, actually two things. One is that I am a disgusting hypocrite. Two is that now I want to clean the living hell out of everything.

Today, then, I am cleaning out saved messages from readers so that they don't build up in unsightly piles, forcing me to crawl through a goat path to get to my blog.

1. Cagey-C alerted me to the Little Rooster, an alarm clock that "wakes you gradually, tenderly, sensuality." After I waded through the site's Brit-speak suggestions on placing it inside your "knickers," I figured out it's a vibrator that wakes you up by pleasuring you inside the general knicker area. Which doesn't sound half bad, though I suspect they could come up with more alluring ad copy than: "Beautifully shaped from sensual polycarbonate."

2.  The IBWMW Minister of Science sent this enticing missive. "You have to see these pictures. I'm a biologist and even I find these pictures incredibly creepy." The link, if you dare, shows all manner of creepy-ass baby shower cakes. (http://cakewrecks.squarespace.com/home/2011/7/22/the-search-for-the-worlds-most-disturbing-shower-cake-ends-h.htmlWarning: Contains cake fetuses.

3. Reader T.P. sent this impressively-titled sciencey report "Australopithecus erotimanis, and the evolution of the human hand" which suggests that the human hand's shape didn't develop for using tools but, well, let's just let author Ken Weiss explain it:
It is obvious upon looking at the fossil hand, that its most likely purpose was, not to mince words about it, masturbation.  Just look at the hand itself and its reach position (figure 2).  Think about it:  deft and masterly self-satisfying would yield  heightened sexuality, indeed of keeping one's self aroused at all times, ready for the Real Thing whenever the opportunity might arise. Unlike having to wait for prey to amble by, one could take one's evolutionary future in one's own hands--and use one's tool in a better way, one might say.

Honoring Christ through anal chains
4. My neighbor Wendy (penner of Relax, It's Just God, a blog for secular parents) discovered--through I'm sure absolutely no prurient reasons whatsoever--Sex Toys Aren't Just For Heathens Anymore, an article on the burgeoning business of selling sex toys to religious people. For example, Covenant Spice, "a Christ honoring sex and romance site for couples," honors Christ by not showing nudity on their sex toys' boxes. You can "bless your spouse with an orgasm" with products such as the Christ-honoring Fun Factory Felix (at left), a 10" anal chain "with a friendly face."

5. And finally, JB alerted me to a product called Masque. "These orally-dissolvable, flavored gel strips will take the intimacy between you and your partner to the next level," the copy reads mysteriously. Decoded, it's a strip you eat so you're not subjected to the presumed horrors of the taste of your partner's semen. It comes in flavors like watermelon and mango. This is wrong in about 8 different ways to me--I mean, how fucking insulting is it if you pop a mango strip in your mouth before you'll take him in your mouth? "Sorry, just need to cover up the disgusting flavor of, well....you." (I would also submit that if you don't like your lover's taste, biology might be trying to tell you something.)

If you're not doing anything else, such wasting your life watching TV, I suggest you look at the Masque FAQs if only for this one:
          
          DOES MASQUE TASTE GOOD?
Through user research, we’ve found that a vast majority of our customers love or like all of the flavors. They are certainly not candy and were created for an intended purpose. However, we have many people in our office that eat them merely for the taste[Emphasis added. By me. Because that is fucked up.]

8 comments:

Lost.in.Idaho said...

If you popped a Masque in before going down on me, I may be mildly offended. HOWEVER, if bj's are few and far between, I'll take a little offense if it means you're going to 'finish the job.'

These, sadly, would be perfect for my girlfriend.

As far as the Rooster goes, I WANT!

Gia said...

Hahahah...Masque doesn't sound THAT bad. And that hand evolution theory is awesome (and probs true). We're so driven by sex.

Honeydew Branchweed said...

Hahahaha Great post!
(I'm right there with you in the sanctimonious ass category when it comes to tv watching.)

bettyfokker said...

My ... brains ...

*whimper*

Cagey-C said...

Is Fun Factory Felix's face still friendly when the rest of his body has been shoved up your ass?

Chester said...

As per your concern about TV, I fully understand. Here's a great and hilarious BBC series called "How Television Ruined Your Life" ; don't say it didn't... it did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxQuHocBmxw

Dan said...

oh lawdy lawdy lawdy...you are a funny fugger....this had me reaching for my staple gun to prevent my insides spilling out onto the floor i laffed soooo much....
the christian lerv stuff was great...i didnt look but do they have an actual store, cos if they do i am buying a ticket to wherever they are RIGHT NOW just to go in there and ask them about ramming it up my arse for jesus...you know..in a holy sorta way heehee :)

Caitlin Grace said...

I have been slowly working my way through your awesome blog and this one far made me laugh out loud! Especially Cagey-C 's question>

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