Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Reader Mail: How to Tell Your Husband You've Been Faking It, Numb Vagina Syndrome and "I Saw This and Thought of You"

"Oh yeah, right there. Perfect."
So much to cover today. Hop aboard and hold on.

Two final spawns from my article on the Science, Sex and the Ladies doc and the oddly-controversial statement that most women need some kind of clitoral stimulation to come:

--First, reader "Allie" needs your advice!

"I hope this is anonymous. I am obsessed with your writing and views. I really want your advice even though I don't know you and you don't know me. I'm gonna get right to the dirt[y]:

I love my husband but he only makes me cum about 25% of the time we have sex. I've hinted and basically told him that I can really only cum when he rubs my clit. I really want him to read your article. I think he would finally get it. But I am also worried that there would be a fight because he might realize how often I've faked it to spare his ego...I love him and don't want to make him feel inferior even though that is not my intention. Do you have advice for me? What should I do or say?"

Got anything for her, brothers and sisters? 

Being Publicly Flogged--Not Nearly As Hot As It Sounds!
I went and looked (again!) at the comments on the above article even though that is always, 100% of the time, a terrible idea. However, this time there was a highlight, and that was the women who decided--quite on her own--that I what I was really saying was that a woman couldn't feel if a man was penetrating her. (Clearly, she doesn't know that I, like, live for that particular feeling.) Anyway, just before the comments closed forever and I couldn't respond, she started yelling at/toward me that I clearly had "Numb Vagina Syndrome," as I'm sure she would have done were we to meet in person.

She was quite insistent on her NVS diagnosis, despite the fact that I hadn't actually mentioned my own personal vagina. However, to be safe, I will ask my doctor to check me for Numb Vagina Syndrome. Though I think I'm okay, at least according to my medical book. Which I read in Braille, using my vagina.

Reader-Penned Books!
The Jezebel Effect: Why the Slut Shaming of Famous Queens Still Matters by perennial bad-ass/historical writer Kyra Cornelius Kramer is a smart fiery rant on how we throw the slut label on chicks for doing pretty much anything. I am in particular admiration of Kyra's skillful wielding of slut synonyms including "slammerkin" and "Tarty McHo, Mayor of Skeevyburg."

The Orgasm Rebellion by Frank Lingo, a former Kansas City Star columnist who wrote about environmental and social justice issues, is "an erotic historical novel set in 1899, when women went to doctors for treatment of 'hysteria.'" he writes. Women fight for equality and social justice--but with sex scenes.

Thank you to this month's dear, dear donors who used the link there at the right to make sure I can maintain my Lexapro supply:  Dana, Sarah of Sarah's Silks and especially Robert, the IBWMW Minister of Being the Blog's Only Patron, who has set up an automatic donation to go through every damn month--even those months when I just put up lame ol' reruns due to existential crisis, despite aforementioned Lexopro use. Viva Dana, Sarah and Robert!

"I Saw This and Thought of You!"
That is, the subject line of any email I get whenever someone happens upon some weird/funny/completely fucked-up sexual thing. Lately, people kindly thought of me when seeing:

--A glass dildo you can put your dead loved one's ashes into and do dildo stuff with it (Tara)
--A permanent vibrator you can install in your vagina ("brilliant in theory but I'd be scared to try it out," says Christina.)
--3D printed sex toys  ("Think of the possibilities! So cool. Also potentially creepy, because a lot of public libraries and schools are trying to have 3D printers, which is how I ended up stumbling on the article. Still. So cool," writes A.)
--A knitted version of Kama Sutra positions, shown above (Carrie)
--8 Weird Porn Genres including one in which men post pics of cum-covered figurines. ("I'm surprised you didn't write this," says Cathya, who may or may not be dissing me.) 

Robert, Dana, Sarah--hope you got your money's worth. I'm off to check my vagina for cocks, chihuahuas or any other errant objects my Numb Vagina Syndrome may have caused me to overlook.

(photo News Dog Media)


in bed with married women said...

this just in from janet on the science of why the comment section is so awful. http://www.upworthy.com/the-science-of-why-the-comment-section-on-just-about-anything-is-so-awful?g=2&c=upw1&fb_ref=Default


btw, sorry about the "prove you're not a robot" thing on the comments here now. i said i didn't want it, but blogger made me take it.

Anonymous said...

For the woman who has been faking it, do you need to tell the truth about past faking? Maybe direct his hand or mouth to where you need it then go crazy over it? Seem like he might get the idea...

Dave Fancella said...

Youre kinda screwed on the orgasm thing.

I'll just lay it out there. Faking orgasms is just as deceitful and hurtful as cheating.

You're going to have to fess up and hope your relationship survives, but if it were me, the relationship wouldn't survive. You've deprived him of many opportunities to do his part to fix a broken part of your relationship, and given him false information on what to do next.

in bed with married women said...

Dave, the reason I said "be nice" is because i have so been this chick. it's not done to be a jerk or anything, it's seriously out of the idea of kindness. it takes a lot of whatever the female equivalent of balls are to tell someone that everything society is telling them about women's orgasm is wrong. also if there's any feeling that you might somehow be broken or weird, you don't horribly want to admit this/"burden" them with that info. i know it probably makes zero sense to a man, but it does make sense to me and any of my sisters who have some fakery in their past.

Dave Fancella said...

Im not trying to dictate when it's ok to fake. I'm trying to check my privilege. ;) It's your body, your sexual encounter/relationship, it's your choice. The only choice i have about it is whether or not (or to what extent) I'm willing to accept it in my relationship.

With that said, if you take the standard definition that marriage is built on trust, honesty, and communication (among other things), then there isn't room to fake 75% of orgasms. Moreover i think that could be a sign of a currently unknown deep issue that needs to be resolved for this reader to be able to have a truly satisfying marriage.

Dave said...

Getting away from turning a question about asking for particular stimulation into a complete marriage analysis...

Number one, just going by the law of averages, there is an excellent chance your husband will not be as bothered by the fact you've faked orgasms as he would if you said you'd been cheating. I'm not good at advice for dealing with fragile male egos, because my impulse is to smack all the guys who have them. That goes double for situations where you've been trying to save his ego; yeah, you lied, but you did it in attempt to spare his feelings. It may have been a misguided attempt, but if he's a semi-reasonable human being he should come around to the realization you weren't being some kind of terrible person by faking orgasms.

From the e-mail, it sounds like perhaps the faking has worked at odds to your requests for more clitoral stimulation- you ask for what you need, but what he sees suggests what he's doing works, so he decides he may as well just run with the status quo. If you tell him you've been faking, and he doesn't seem responsive to changing things right away, you still have to stop faking. He needs to see how it really is for you. The only path towards fixing a situation involving dishonesty, no matter how well-intentioned, demands at minimum total honesty going forward.

But in the end, like long-term sex in general, how this works out really depends on how dedicated you both are to each other's enjoyment (in this case, more how dedicated he is to your enjoyment). If he's somebody who can't be bothered to learn new tricks, and was just happy the things he does normally seemed to work, maybe things start to degrade. But if that's the case, it just means you've reached that point later than you would have had this conversation happened earlier; if he doesn't care now, he wouldn't have cared before, either, and you needed to find that out eventually. And if he does care and will focus on the things you need him to do, then your sex life almost by definition has to improve, because you'll be getting the sex you want.

jane said...

I'm worried that maybe the reader is afraid of her husband. Maybe he is a bit controlling, or manipulative, or tries to blame her for things when she attempts to communicate with him. Because in my mind, someone in a healthy relationship would not need advice before talking to a partner about sexual needs and preferences. How to tell him? Say, "Darling, I need more direct stimulation to have an orgasm." If she doesn't feel safe saying that, then she may be in an abusive relationship.

in bed with married women said...

oh dear spiffy, thank you so much.

Dave said...

@jane: It's not impossible, but the tone of the e-mail makes that something of a stretch. She says she doesn't want to make him feel inferior; odds are he suffers from being easily butthurt rather than abusive tendencies. Nor does anything she said indicate she doesn't feel safe, just that she doesn't a) want to hurt him or b) have conflict. Also, if there were some subtle or low-level emotional abuse, she may not even register it as such and thus she might not be able to look at the problem from that angle anyway.

TLDR: If she's asking for advice on a situation, I think it's safest to take what she says at face value. But if there's additional relevant data, I hope she'll tell Jill.

Dave said...

@Jill: My friend Suzie said it looked like you used a couple of her ideas for the dating in your 20s vs. 30s article. Super cool. :D

in bed with married women said...

spiffy, yes, it's true. i didn't put it up because i was feeling bad that one she worded so so specifically beautifully got edited and changed, ruining exactly why it was so perfect. felt lame and embarrassing. i will write her right now though.

you are really handling %$^& for me today, thanks!

caitlingrace said...

This is why O don't understand faking in the first place. Obviously if you fake it the guy is going to think he is doing a good job when in reality he is totally missing the point ( pun intended).
Open, honest communication is always the best policy. BUT a little "how about we try this" never hurt anyone. Asking for what you want is the only way forward. How you frame it will be crucial.
To avoid hurt feelings be direct in asking for what you want without any blame about past instances.

"Allie" said...

Thanks for everyone's "help" on this matter. I was the reader who was faking it, "allie". But here is what happened and my side of the story:

I decided to try to tell him by showing him. We have sex pretty much every night sometimes more than once so it didn't take long for him to catch on. Was much easier than I thought it would be and he hasn't seemed wounded or even that he realizes why we've been doing it a little different than usual. He actually seems to enjoy it more now too. So I guess i was worried for nothing and I think him and I are on the same page more than I thought. And I didn't have to wound his ego.

And no I'm not afraid of him and nothing bad is going on in our marriage to whoever made that comment!

I'm just a bit of a pushover when it comes to him because I love him. I faked it from the beginning because I wanted him to fall for me like I was falling for him. After five years and lots of reading I'm finally done with faking it!

Thank you by the way!

Dave said...

w00t happy endings :D

in bed with married women said...

hey allie er, sorry about the "help." I am so glad for your happy ending(s). thanks for the report back. and look, you made Spiffy happy, too!