Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Is Your Anus Looking Its Whitest?

Driving home the other night with friends, the conversation somehow turned to anal bleaching. (That the conversation could suddenly veer in this unsavory direction is exactly why we are friends.) Apparently society at large--without consulting me, mind you--has decided that anuses (ani?) are to look as lovely as possible. What supposedly makes for a good-lookin' anus? A light pink color. The trend started with adult film stars who wanted to look their best in extreme butt close-ups. It gained ground when people started waxing the hell out their neither regions and discovered new body parts to fixate upon. Plenty of people, it seems, have the time (and the inclination) to peer into their butts noting imperfections. "Hey, Hon, what are you doing in the bathroom?" "Be out in a sec! Just looking at my anus! By the way, Sweetie, does this underwear make my anus look fat?" 

Those who don't have the proper shade of pink can achieve colo-rectal perfection through anal bleaching. According to Bleach Bum, a site for "anal bleaching information and advice," "Anal bleaching is one more way holly wood celebrities try to stay younger." I am not that eager to take anal bleaching advice from anyone, particularly from someone who can't spell Hollywood, but I bravely clicked on. Basically they recommend two techniques: talking to a dermatologist about a bleaching cream, or way way less embarrassing, buying an over-the-counter bleaching product. But it was their third suggestion that concerned me the most. To wit:
3. You can prevent anal staining by being cautious in the bathroom. We suggest using a moist wipe after every bowel movement. This will ensure that the area remains clean and stain free.
Yes, they are telling you to wipe your butt after going to the bathroom. I guess it stands to reason that leaving poo on your butt would cause a stained appearance, but to be quite frank, that would be the least of your worries.

Anyway, we came up with a fine entrepreneurial idea, which you are quite welcome to steal. Anal bleaching strips. Like tooth whitening strips, you could wear them while at work, at play, out to dinner, whenever! Here, I'll even write the ad for you. The scene: two women talking on the phone. "Hey Barb, could you watch my kids while I get my anus bleached?" "Kathy, get with the times! I'm folding the laundry AND bleaching my anus in the comfort of my home! My anus is as pink as a new lipstick. And, Jim, by the way, is thrilled. He can't stop bragging to the fellows at the office about my light and bright anus!"

The price of anal beauty is a bit steep, as there have been various dangers associated with skin lightening, including skin cancer and liver and kidney damage. So you have to balance the variables. Is a foxy-looking anus worth getting a hideous disease? Should everyone's butt look the same? Do you agree that it is indeed a good idea to wipe after going to the bathroom? Do tell.


The Housewife said...

Have you heard of Betty Beauty? The hair dye for the hair down there? The stuff out there is pretty funny, but I don't think I'd go anywhere near anal bleach. I do however, plan on continuing to wipe.

CA Heaven said...

I'm laughing; the world is gone mad >:)))

Cold As Heaven

Stephenson Billings said...

Hi Jill, just thought you'd like to know that when you google the phrase "Anal Bleaching Expert'" your name comes up as the first link (my article)! Congrats!


Anonymous said...

So is the color really going to be a dealbreaker with a big hard raging boner ready to penetrate?

C. said...

Hi! I recently found your blog while browsing. This posting is (in my opinion) linked up completely with the - unfortunately- growing conversation of how to make sex and the body even less natural. My friends and I were discussing anal bleaching earlier this week in fact, I wonder how far this can go. I'm starting to think about all the preparations that are becoming popular for women pre-sexual encounter. Waxing, tanning, moisturizing, AH "douching", bleaching.. did you know that it's also a trend to cut and dye the pube hair to interesting shapes? Fruits even.. apparently Miss Demi Moore at one point rocked a strawberry.

At any rate, your blog is delightfully funny and honest. i have truly enjoyed reading it. Thanks!

Josie said...

I almost just peed my pants reading this.

I found you because my writing partner and I just got a question about anal bleaching to our sex/dating advice column.

I will have to give you a direct link because this shit is funny and I couldn't have found a way to make it funnier.

in bed with married women said...

Josie, thanks! This particular post had a surprise coda. See also "How I Became An Anal Bleaching Expert"

ps would love to read your column--send me a link!

Adult Toys said...

I think a person would need to be at least a 9/10 on the vanity scale to even consider this. I'm probably a 6/10 and it seems completely insane.

Doc Johnson

Charlie Sommers said...

If you want a complete explanation of how the procedure works it has never been explained more thoroughly or with more humor than by Gasputin, on a website called Poop Report.

Anonymous said...

makes me glad I am asexual----yuck

Pocohantaz said...

I seriously could not stop laughing!! You are very funny!!

Unknown said...

Great plan! The bleaching part just sounds INSANE!