Saturday, July 17, 2010

How I Became An "Anal Bleaching Expert"

Hey there. Are you busy? Google the phrase "anal bleaching expert" (with the quotes). Go ahead, I'll wait.... Do you see what I mean?

YES, to my horror, I am now the stinkin' top hit for "anal bleaching expert." How can this be? I mean, I only wrote one post about anal bleaching--okay, fine, I wrote two--but that's not the point. The point is that I'm placing the blame for all this squarely on the shoulders of the newly-hateful* Stephenson Billings, writer for parody extremist Christian web site ChristWire. (At least I certainly hope it's a fake site.)

In his post, Anal Bleaching, For the Sodomite Who Wants to Look His Best, Billings warns his readers of the horrors of anal bleaching, citing the In Bed With Married Women post Is Your Anus Looking Its Whitest?, and referring to me as an "anal bleaching expert." When I saw this, I replied something to him like, "Oh great, now I am an anal bleaching 'expert,'" noting that I would need to print up new business cards.

At this point, Billings cruelly referred to me again--in bold letters no less--as Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton. Well, that did it. ChristWire has a gazillion readers and before I could sputter impotently, "But, wait a minut...", I had become...Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton. Which, now that I see it in all caps, sounds like a really unhelpful Superhero.

Few things would please me more than seeking revenge on Billings, but I am stymied about what to do.  What could I do, really, that would be worse than linking his name in cyberspace forever to the phrase "anal bleaching expert"? So I guess I have no choice but to embrace Who I Am. So to potential employers, my daughters' future beaus, and others who Google me to check my reliability, character, etc...I say, Yes--hear me loud, hear me proud--I am Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton and there's not damn thing I can do about it!

(*Note: I do not actually find Stephenson Billings to be hateful. I mean, this has to be the best joke anyone has played on me, ever.)


DanWins said...

We could call you "Honest A.B.E. - Jill Hamilton"

has a better "Ring" to it.

Sorry Jill it was one of those you just can't pass up because it was there.

My sympathies are with you.

Hubman said...

Umm, congratulations on your expertise?

Andy Hammond said...

This really is pretty damn funny.

CA Heaven said...

Haha, laughing my tan ass off >:)))

Cold As Heaven

Anonymous said...

Love the new nick name, Jill "Honest ABE" Hamilton. I think it will stick!

Anonymous said...

It's an honor, an HONOR I tell you, that an anal bleaching expert is reading my blog. However, I know consider anal bleaching to be somewhat passe. I want to hear about women (and men) who get their dyed (or tattooed) in Easter Egg colors. Or bedazzled like a vajazzled va-jay-jay. Assdazzled? There should be a word!

Unknown said...

Hey, be loud and proud - you're considered to be an expert at SOMETHING. I'm not an expert at ANYTHING. Although if you Google 'how to fit your girl with a butt plug', I'm close.

William Quincy Belle said...

I trust you saw this.

A Niche of the Unreal in a World of Credulity

This was all quite funny.

Rachel Maddow

Jill Hamilton said...

Thanks, I had not seen it, Mr. Belle--if that is your actual name. (behold my newfound hyper-vigilance to veracity of sources..)

William Quincy Belle said...

Thank you for the inspiration, Ms. Hamilton:
Christwire, satire and anal bleach

And yes, Mr. Billings and I share the same trait:
Anonymity: The power to speak freely

Wehms2 said...

When I saw "Anal Bleaching" I thought it was a reference to a "2 & 1/2 Men" episode.

Really enjoy your site. Fascinating stuff!!!

Wehms2 said...

Aloha Jill "A.B.E.,"

Just signed up to "Blog" and didn't have my "pic" yet.....sooo, I wanted to see my plane on here. :o)

Doc Johnson said...

I've heard that Billings has the most bleached anus in his church but have not been able to verify, yet.

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