Thursday, January 24, 2013

Vagina. Panty. Vagina Panty!

I completely completely adore my friend Betty Fokker, the Stay-at-Home-Feminist Mom (slogan: "Do not try to oppress me with your patriarchal values. It will not go well for you."), but was so disheartened to read her post on an even more fucked up "development" in female genital mutilation aka "vaginal rejuvenation!" Not because of dear Betty, who writes beautifully on the topic, as is her way, but because--holy fuck, ladies!--can we please get our shit together, vaginal pride-wise?

This time, the supposed "trend" (developed by...who? way-crazy insecure chick? dickish, greedy doctor? asshole boyfriend?*) is slicing--yes, slicing, sliiiiiiiiicing--the labia minora clean off. It's called "the Barbie" which is retarded in about eight different ways. One of which being that a true Barbie would have a nice skin graft just sealing up the whole business. I call dibs on the patent!

Anyway, surgery is expensive and involves the aforementioned slicing, plus it's just so...permanent. And does anybody really believe that these vaginal "styles" will last more than, say, five years? I mean, if there had been a surgical way to get a permanent mullet installed in 1987, I'm sure some among us (well not us, because we are smart, but "us" as in us as a people) would have been lining up for perma-mullet surgery. Lining up, I say!

This crap has got to stop.

While looking up the link for Naomi Wolf's excellent book Vagina: A New Biography (and yes, don't you worry, little one, I will make good on my threat to present to you my new and improved Vaginal Worldview.) I saw this, and I knew it was The Answer.


This, my friend, is the Wearable Vagina, Vagina Panty.  It's for crossdressing, transfolk and the like, but I'm seeing the bigger picture here. It's panties with a vagina built right in! Even better, it's a currently socially acceptable vagina! Styles change--get you some new panties. Done and done! Sure, the underwear is $130.00, but c'mon, it's Vaginal Surgery Results--In A Panty!

I don't know what the hell it's made of or how it feels during sex, but we've established that all of that is irrelevant. I'm sure hacking off important chunks lady bits affects one's sensations as well. Get over it, sister.

The panties come in black, but check out this beige number below. It's a g-string (sexy!) but also a bit orthopedic-looking (grandma fetish!) for a confusing mix of sexy, functional and forbidden. Sex is sometimes about keeping your partner off-balance and I think these would do the trick nicely.



If you're budget minded, there's also a strap-on g-string version, the Latex Vagina w/ Urinary Feature for $99. I am intrigued by the mysterious "urinary feature," however, the Amazon "frequently bought together" recommends something called It Stays Roll-on Body Adhesive (ouch) which costs about 10 bucks so, pricewise, it might be a wash.

xoxox
jill 

P.S. I am suspicious of this notice (below) on the Latex Vagina w/ Urinary Feature. Anyone have a theory on the quote marks? They seem a little cheeky to me.

Under no circumstance can any of these items be returned or exchanged because of health considerations and laws! However, "with our permission", an "unused" garment may be returned for an exchange, if it is in its original packaging (for size or defects only).

*Update:  It was choice #2 "dickish, greedy doctor." Via Twitter @wqbelle sent me this fabulous article in the Atlantic which points to one Dr. Red Alinsod as the guy who invented the process of amputating women's labia and had the balls (for now! perhaps those too shall soon be deemed cosmetically unsightly) to give it the perky "Barbie" name. He now travels about the country speaking to OB/GYN groups about the mountains of profit to be made but snipping off healthy and useful body parts.
(Hanes Hosiery ad, 1954)

Monday, January 21, 2013

Dr. Andrea and The Case of the Night Wank

Welcome, possibly troubled Gentle Reader, to today's installment of Ask Dr. Andrea. For you new subscribers (thank you!!!), Dr. Andrea is our Doctor-at-Large with specialities in women's/sexual health, nutrition and Ayurveda. If you have an entertainingly embarrassing problem, or--why not!--even a regular ol' boring one, man up and email it to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. And don't worry, you can be completely anonymous so no one needs to be knowing about your personal business. Except in a broad general sense. (Note: This is NOT a substitute for individual medical advice or care. So if Dr. Andrea tells you to stick a rusty tin can up your butt or something, check with your doctor first. Go on, check with them. I dare you.)

A few months ago, I noticed my partner was masturbating in his sleep. I've been aware of it happening a handful of times since then. It doesn't really bother me, but he thinks it's weird. He wanted to know more about how he's doing it, but since it's dark and I'm usually half asleep when it happens, I'm pretty useless. I suggested he film himself sleeping, then we could get some creepy Paranormal Activity action all up in here. He didn't really like the idea. Anyway, so far I haven't been able to collect much data on it for him although it did happen last night and I had my back against his left side so I knew he was using his right hand. He thought that was weird because he always uses his left hand (when he's awake). He started breathing hard for a bit, but then calmed down and then I woke him up. He doesn't think he's ever finished from this. 

Anyway, we were just wondering if there are any known causes, cures, or magical potions.
Anonymous 

Dr. Andrea:  First, this is not unheard of and is likely not harmful.
If he's really concerned, my doctor-like inclination is to suggest a sleep study with a sleep disorder specialist, since these activities might indicate that his sleep structure is not quite normal for some reason (normal being a rather arbitrary word here- very few of my patients have totally 'normal' sleep).

But honestly this doesn't sound like a problem big enough to warrant all that. It sounds like an interesting combination of a sleepwalking-style sleep movement disorder (there's even a movie about it! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2077851/ ), and normal tumescence and ejaculation during sleep (the phrase 'wet dream' makes me gag).

There is actually a name for this type of activity: "sexsomnia"!! I know, right? It does sound a bit funny, but that means there are enough cases for researchers to have given it a label. The technical definition is initiating sex while asleep, but I imagine it would pertain to your partner's activities as well. If it indicates that he's not sleeping enough or deeply enough for true rest, then it might be a problem. The things that I'd ask are whether he feels rested when he wakes in the morning (jumping out of bed vs hitting snooze multiple times), and whether there has been a change in your sex life linked to when this started. 

If sleep structure is indeed an issue, and he'd like to stop, it may be he needs more 'quality' rest- the body wants to be asleep between 10pm and (at least) 5am. In Chinese medicine, there's a proverb that says "every hour of sleep before midnight is actually worth 2 hours of sleep." Making sure he's getting adequate exercise and eating a healthy diet (plant-based, not too much processed food) can be helpful too, as those affect sleep disorders in general.

You're welcome to email me directly and give me more details if you'd like!
******
If you wish the Wisdom of Dr. Andrea, bring the customary two chickens and goat to her mountaintop lair, or just pop your question into an email.
xoxoxo
jill

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Kindle Subscriptions, Sasquatch Erotica and a Haunted Vagina.

Ok, fine, Amazon! I did solicit some reviews.
In Bed With Married Women subscriptions on Kindle are now ranked #48,174th among paid items on Amazon. Wheee! Which may or may not be due to my highly unethical plan of forcing Friends of IBWMW to write reviews of it. (In retrospect, asking people to shell out for a subscription would have been the smarter course of action. But I was a film major, not a business school grad. I can't be troubled with these practicalities.)

Anyway, #48,174 is nothing to brag about, but--fuck it--I'm going to brag anyway. By contrast, the erotic e-book Bigfoot's New Mate 3 (Sasquatch Erotica) is languishing at the #106,349 spot. In your face, Bigfoot, you sexy beast (literally, on the beast aspect). (In fairness to the Sasquatch, the 30 page Bigfoot book of love is going for $2.99, while IBWMW subscriptions are only 99 cents, so it might be a wash. The position of IBWMW Minister of Mathematical Calculations is as of yet unfilled, so I can't say for sure.)

Nonetheless, the experience of reading lovely reviews about oneself is highly rewarding and I recommend you have some people do it for you at once.

Thanks for all you do to support the blog.

xoxox
jill

p.s. I am reading Naomi Wolf's Vagina: A New Biography (Amazon ranking: #14,456) which is completely changing my vaginal worldview.  And yes, I did just write that I have a vaginal worldview. Will report anon.

p.p.s. While looking up the link for the Vagina book, I happened to see a link for a book called The Haunted Vagina (ranking #654,820). And yes, OF COURSE I fucking well did click over to see what it was about and came upon this description, which I will leave you with today:

It's difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead...

Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy's pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.

When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. 

(photo source) 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

"Wakey Wakey, Time to Shake Some Ass Girls"

"So....how's this gonna work, exactly?"
It's a new year and I'm temporarily under the impression that this is the year I'll get my shit together. So I'm bustling about, making things happen. To wit:

1. Luring People to the Sketchy 'Hood that is the IBWMW Facebook Page:

As of this second, the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page has 943 fans or likes or whatever it is we're calling it these days. Which is great, except as you know, maybe 15% are people who stumbled over there thinking it's a site that somehow literally gets you in bed with married women. For example:

Meet the newest member of the IBWMW Facebook page family! It's someone named "Loving Hunk" who, judging from his profile picture, appears to be an erect penis. According to Loving Hunk's profile, he attended school at "3some" and works at "Club Swinger."

But I am not one to put words in an erect penis' mouth, let's let Loving Hunk introduce himself:

"hi my self 29 single male living in chandigarh and frequently visiting delhi, mumbai pune or jalandhar. having a great sex appeal, had a lot of experience with cpls for 3some or group sex. enjoy sex . ladies females , cpls looking for sex contact me , satisfaction and pleasure is assured. lets meet and enjoy"

"Satisfaction and pleasure"--that sounds good, right ladies females?

So if you, and those you care about, haven't already liked the Facebook page, get on over there (might want to lock the car doors first. Just in case.) Not only will you get exclusive updates, the very latest in Misguided Googlers and whatnot, but particularly vigilant fans can see if they can catch the various inappropriate posts from Loving Hunk and his ilk before I delete them. And I'm quick. Like I bet you missed this one just this from this morning from one Rohit Kalkatti:

"ne, married women from bangalore around here???? if so wakey wakey, time to shake some ass girls!"

 So yes, shake some ass, and get on over there.

2. IBWMW Kindle Subscriptions and an Empirical Question:

I am asking friends of In Bed With Married Women to go over to Amazon and write a review of the blog to see if it improves our sales ranking. I was thinking this as "rigging the system," but the ever-wise IBWMW Minister of Science re-framed it as asking an "empirical question" (gaining knowledge by direct or indirect experience, duh) which sounds way less cheaty.

As of now, IBWMW Kindle Subscriptions are ranked #267,736 of paid items in the Kindle Store (#9 in "erotica"--whee!)

Will our cheatin-, empirical research help boost sales? Can we hit the rarefied atmosphere that is the low 264,000s? Will more reviews convince the highly alert Loving Hunk to shell out some shekels or whatever currency erect penises use to buy a 99 cent/month subscription? I will keep you informed...

3. "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God! No really, I mean, oh you, God. Because I am literally having sex with you, God." That is, erotica about God.  As in, possible mentions of God's jutting cockstand.

I know! I truly thought erotica could get none more weird that last week's post on the plethora of erotic ebooks featuring the likes of centaur gangbangs, Leprechaun doms and "Abraham Lincoln Fuck Machine"?

That was until @stillmansays alerted me to the existence of The Holy Spirit Came Upon Her (An Erotic Retelling of the Conception of Jesus Christ)

Here's its blurb:

Based on Luke 1:35. The Angel Gabriel told Mary that the Holy Spirit would come upon her and place the Son of God within her womb. When He shows up in her room late at night, she's surprised that He intends to do it in "the usual way" rather than by miracle. Will Mary still be able to call herself a virgin at the end of the night?

WARNING: This 3,000+ word story contains oral, vaginal, and digital sex between the Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit. May be offensive to some readers.


I think I must be feeling jaded this morning because I have no inclination to write about the breezy blasphemy caveat "may be offensive" (could be!) or that it is in some ways just a continuation of the whole Greek god/mortal sex idea, like Zeus appearing as a swan to bone Leda (I would have preferred a man instead of a stinkin' swan--what the hell do you do with a swan?--but that's neither here nor there).

No, instead all I care about is the "digital sex" between the Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit ("a Loving God" as one reviewer noted.) What is this digital sex? God is...texting? Sending unsolicited cockstand pics? It's quite perplexing.

Anyway I'd better just...stop. In the words of one outraged reader, circa 2010, "You are So going to hell. Have fun with that." Which, if true, I can be assured that at least I'll get a better room than the penner of "The Holy Spirit Came Upon Her."

xoxoxo
jill

(image: "Leda," Leonardo Da Vinci)

Related Posts with Thumbnails