Wednesday, January 2, 2013

"Wakey Wakey, Time to Shake Some Ass Girls"

"'s this gonna work, exactly?"
It's a new year and I'm temporarily under the impression that this is the year I'll get my shit together. So I'm bustling about, making things happen. To wit:

1. Luring People to the Sketchy 'Hood that is the IBWMW Facebook Page:

As of this second, the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page has 943 fans or likes or whatever it is we're calling it these days. Which is great, except as you know, maybe 15% are people who stumbled over there thinking it's a site that somehow literally gets you in bed with married women. For example:

Meet the newest member of the IBWMW Facebook page family! It's someone named "Loving Hunk" who, judging from his profile picture, appears to be an erect penis. According to Loving Hunk's profile, he attended school at "3some" and works at "Club Swinger."

But I am not one to put words in an erect penis' mouth, let's let Loving Hunk introduce himself:

"hi my self 29 single male living in chandigarh and frequently visiting delhi, mumbai pune or jalandhar. having a great sex appeal, had a lot of experience with cpls for 3some or group sex. enjoy sex . ladies females , cpls looking for sex contact me , satisfaction and pleasure is assured. lets meet and enjoy"

"Satisfaction and pleasure"--that sounds good, right ladies females?

So if you, and those you care about, haven't already liked the Facebook page, get on over there (might want to lock the car doors first. Just in case.) Not only will you get exclusive updates, the very latest in Misguided Googlers and whatnot, but particularly vigilant fans can see if they can catch the various inappropriate posts from Loving Hunk and his ilk before I delete them. And I'm quick. Like I bet you missed this one just this from this morning from one Rohit Kalkatti:

"ne, married women from bangalore around here???? if so wakey wakey, time to shake some ass girls!"

 So yes, shake some ass, and get on over there.

2. IBWMW Kindle Subscriptions and an Empirical Question:

I am asking friends of In Bed With Married Women to go over to Amazon and write a review of the blog to see if it improves our sales ranking. I was thinking this as "rigging the system," but the ever-wise IBWMW Minister of Science re-framed it as asking an "empirical question" (gaining knowledge by direct or indirect experience, duh) which sounds way less cheaty.

As of now, IBWMW Kindle Subscriptions are ranked #267,736 of paid items in the Kindle Store (#9 in "erotica"--whee!)

Will our cheatin-, empirical research help boost sales? Can we hit the rarefied atmosphere that is the low 264,000s? Will more reviews convince the highly alert Loving Hunk to shell out some shekels or whatever currency erect penises use to buy a 99 cent/month subscription? I will keep you informed...

3. "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God! No really, I mean, oh you, God. Because I am literally having sex with you, God." That is, erotica about God.  As in, possible mentions of God's jutting cockstand.

I know! I truly thought erotica could get none more weird that last week's post on the plethora of erotic ebooks featuring the likes of centaur gangbangs, Leprechaun doms and "Abraham Lincoln Fuck Machine"?

That was until @stillmansays alerted me to the existence of The Holy Spirit Came Upon Her (An Erotic Retelling of the Conception of Jesus Christ)

Here's its blurb:

Based on Luke 1:35. The Angel Gabriel told Mary that the Holy Spirit would come upon her and place the Son of God within her womb. When He shows up in her room late at night, she's surprised that He intends to do it in "the usual way" rather than by miracle. Will Mary still be able to call herself a virgin at the end of the night?

WARNING: This 3,000+ word story contains oral, vaginal, and digital sex between the Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit. May be offensive to some readers.

I think I must be feeling jaded this morning because I have no inclination to write about the breezy blasphemy caveat "may be offensive" (could be!) or that it is in some ways just a continuation of the whole Greek god/mortal sex idea, like Zeus appearing as a swan to bone Leda (I would have preferred a man instead of a stinkin' swan--what the hell do you do with a swan?--but that's neither here nor there).

No, instead all I care about is the "digital sex" between the Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit ("a Loving God" as one reviewer noted.) What is this digital sex? God is...texting? Sending unsolicited cockstand pics? It's quite perplexing.

Anyway I'd better just...stop. In the words of one outraged reader, circa 2010, "You are So going to hell. Have fun with that." Which, if true, I can be assured that at least I'll get a better room than the penner of "The Holy Spirit Came Upon Her."


(image: "Leda," Leonardo Da Vinci)


Anonymous said...

After reading the ridiculous posting from India's finest, I noticed the ad for We-Vibe. Looking at the contraption on your page, I couldn't figure out how it pleasured both partners. Was one end to be inserted in his ass? So, I clicked the link and from the description, it sounds like she gets all the fun -- vaginal and clitoral -- while he gets to watch her spin out into a dozen orgasms. Well, I do like my wife to enjoy herself, but... A closer reading of the text however indicates that there is some primo advice out there in the White House:

We-Vibe has been touted as the first couple's toy "that can be used while making love."

See! The First Couple is using this thinga-ma-jig! I'll go to the White House web site and see if they have any pointers for us 99-percenters!

in bed with married women said...

Lukman--oh yes, i see the hidden meaning now. i agree, the think the obamas totally use the we-vibe. probably twice a day.

also, you gave me and idea for an even better toy--something with prongs everywhere, like a big vibrating octopus thing. no orifice goes wanting. butt, ears, nostrils... sexy, right?

Mostly Harmless said...

"Digital sex" means God was finger-banging Mary, presumably while she blew Him.

Which got me wondering, was He circumcised?

ValdVin said...

Leda and the Swan?

I'm showing that to my wife, who I expect will get a kick out of it. Swans mate for life, you know.

in bed with married women said...

Mostly Harmless-- Oh. So weird that they would bother to mention that. If you're already accepting that the whole Holy/Human thing is happening, it seems like fingering would be the most minor of things to warn about.
ValdVin--Yes, see we are all learning here today. And good to hear from you again!

Unknown said...

I don't currently have a facebook page but if I did I would so follow you! But, I've done one better and I'm following your actual blog where I'll get to see all of your posts instead of the ones Facebook decides I want to see.

I saw the we-vibe add too. Lukman Clark - in my experience the we-vibe is far too pleasurable for the male partner. I can't comment on how it is for the female partner as it's never in use long enough for me to decide. And I paid way more than $99 for it.

in bed with married women said...

My Half Assed Life--I will follow you back, then, dammit. Welcome.

Unknown said...

Wakey, wakey, time to shake some ass, girl.

That is absolutely what I'm going to say to myself every morning from now on.

Best. Line. Ever!

Mongo, At The Moment said...

(1) Faceb√ľk? "ladies females" is my favorite part. No pun intended.

(2) I'm good at visualizing things in three dimensions, but couldn't quite get the We-Vibe, either. That the First Couple have a better handle on it than I do makes me feel more sure than before that our country is in good hands. Or prongs, or dual-orifice thingamajigs.

(2a) I was spot-on when visualizing the "big vibrating octopus thing", though -- it's the highly popular 'Magic Tentacles' ride at H.P. Lovecraft's Big Chtulu Happy Fun Park.

(3) Assuming God is everywhere, and has been everywhere, I hope to Christ that He's considerate enough to use a condom or dams.

Shake Some Ass: May this be a year that your, and IBWMW's, wishes come true.

in bed with married women said...

Tricia, perhaps we should market said "wakey wakey" calls. Are you in?

Mongo, I am happy you discovered ladies females. I kind of snuck it in to see if anyone would notice. it's sure super dog sense, i suspect. as well as your highly irregular dog inventiveness.