Monday, January 30, 2012

A Farewell to Rodney Van P. Before I Delete Him Forever

"Are you familiar with the book 'Double Penetriciton'?"
I have a confession to make. I am guilty of the sin of censorship. I know, I know. It's hard to believe that I, purveyor of vagina in a can posts, would be holding anything back. But it's true.

What I have been hiding from you are the romantic propositions of one Rodney Van P. (kinda his real name.) I thought it was to protect your delicate sensibilities, but I now realize I was wrong and perhaps have been preventing you from experiencing your own Beautiful Love Story.

If you don't know Rodney Van P. (and how could you, due to my cruelty?), he is a frequent poster to the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page. No matter what the topic, he has his own spin to it, generally him offering to "eat kitties."

Here's what Rodney had to say about a post during Bad Sex Week.
"Ive never had any bad sex with married women and love to orally please their bodies eat their pussies and screw them and eat them out again after sex, So add me you horny married women please."
I thought you would not want to hear this, so I deleted it at once. But was I wrong? Were these the sweet sweet words you've been longing to hear?

I'm so so sorry. Just because he is not appealing to me (his Facebook list of favorite books includes: "Double Penetriciton," "Fuck Books!!!" and "Fuck My Ass." And everyone knows that "Double Penetriciton 2: Even More Penetriciton" is the far superior book) doesn't mean you wouldn't like him just fine. I do not want to stand in the way of True Love.

So here is another Rodneyism I withheld from you. I forgot what he was commenting on, but it will not surprise you to hear Rodney's take on the subject:
"Id love to taste your fat and meaty kitty."
Good old Rodney! No matter what I posted on the FB page, he always liked it and was always there with a (slightly differently worded) offer to eat kitty. That's the thing about Rodney. He was so tenacious. Even though his propositions were never up on the page for--at most--5 minutes before I'd discover them and delete them in horror, the guy Kept On Trying.

"Maybe the problem is my wording," he must have mused, pondering the shocking lack of response to his generous and appealing offer of kitty eating. "Perhaps I shall change 'eat your pussy before and after sex' to 'taste your fat and meaty kitty.' Blast it all! Why are women so inscrutable?"

I guess it was this tenacity in the face of his endless lack of success* that kept me from deleting Rodney instantly as I have so many of his barely literate brethren on the Facebook page.

So today it pains me somewhat to finally give in and delete the hapless Rodney forever, taking the FB fan from the suggestive number of 469 to the more blah 468. And, I have to confess, I'm kind of gonna miss the guy.

*I fucking hope so.


Unknown said...

Are you sure he's not from one of those countries that eat cat? Because if so, 'fat and meaty kitty' may mean something altogether different....

Anonymous said...

I asked Sweet Babou to woo me tonight by whispering the sweet words, "let me eat your fat and meaty kitty" into my ear. He told me no. The man has zero poetry in his soul, I tell you.

Anonymous said...

oh...oh my...bahahaha....hang on..hahahahahaha....sorry ahem...well i spose you gotta give him points for trying but sheesh, do you think rods purple throbbing love trumpet will finally lose rhythm and sputter out? one would hope so...but then again the iambic brilliance of 'meaty kitty' and other poetic pearls will be lost to the masses...
goddamn tha made me laff so much a little bit of wee came out :)

Vesta Vayne said...

Meaty kitty - I don't know if I should laugh or be disgusted.

You know what? Your post probably made his freaking day!!

Gia said...

Awww sooo sad! What a tragic love story, like romero and juliet.

Tony Van Helsing said...

The poetry thing is an interesting one. If he had said I want to eat your fat and meaty kitty
Because I find you very pretty,
would this have been more acceptable?

Pish Posh said...

I just have this going through my head now - fat and meaty kitty fat and meaty kitty - because I was LITERALLY just posting on LA Juice blog about my LITERAL fat and meaty kitty and how I think he might have diabetes.

Maybe that's what Rod-Dog meant too?

Girly Jona said...

Ick ick ick! I think the word meaty is gone forever now..

Still, I bet you're gonna miss him a tiny bit once he's gone.. that's life! But realizing the creeps leave a gap, only to fill those gaps with slightly less creepy people is what makes us grow.
Love the post!

Belinda said...

Keep him deleted. Long-distance relationships are more endearing anyway.

Cagey-C said...

Gosh. And here I thought running phrases from the movies of pornography through the translator Google would make for me to be to the ladies irresistible. Perhaps did I not try hard enough (or enough hard). I would like to consume the kittens of magnificent flesh. Better, no?

dirtycowgirl said...


I read this with my rather fat maincoon cuddled up beside me, and I did indeed wonder along the same line of thought as LostinIdaho.
He might be Korean, I gather they are rather fond of eating kitty too.

What I would like too add is that it's been my experience that men who tend to boast about their skills in the art of feline feasting generally don't have any.

Perhaps you should show him this...
Even if all it really does is confirm that most men just give head in order to get a blow job in return.

Cinderita said...

hahahahahahahahahah INDEED! hahaha! Oh my word. He sounds like the guys who email me on my plenty of fish profile! hahahaahahah!