Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Yes, There's Adult Content. That Would Be Because I'm An ADULT.

Google (misleading company slogan: "don't be evil") is making me take their ads off In Bed With Married Women because of my "violations." Which are, according to them: "adult/pornography" and "adult/explicit text."

It was the last post "big tide nipple fuck sliping in bathroom" that alerted them to my wantonness and adult ways. (Apparently my other posts about fucking inflatable sheep, anal bleaching and whatnot were A-OK.) It's kind of strange because the particular post they objected to was about Misguided Googlers®, and the "explicit text" was directly quoted from searchers that Google had sent me.

In my mind, there is a big-ass difference between pornography and an adult talking about adult things. I mean, fuck, I've birthed two babies, presumably I'm old enough to type the word fuck and post a picture of boobs once in a while. (Strangely, I did hesitate before posting the boob picture with that particular post because it seemed a little too sexy, if something can indeed be too sexy. But in the end, that chick's boobs were just so damn hot -- I had to post the picture.)

To me, pornography is not boobs or butts (Guess what, those are standard issue on humans.) Pornography is local news, the insane amount of murder and torture that is loving fetishized in movies, TV shows and video games, US Weekly ("Stars with cellulite!"), reality programming that demonstrates a woeful misunderstanding of the definition of the word "reality," corporate citizenry, airbrushing, Monsanto's business practices, and such. But I live in the United States in 2011, and here, pornography means sex.

Yes, SEX, as in how everyone reading this got here (except you test tube babies there in the back rows. Uh, no offense.) That's right. Someone did "IT" with someone else. They made love, they stuck cock in cunt, they had tepid sex because the ovulation thermometer said it was time, they co-mingled souls and saw God, they slam-fucked next to the dumpsters behind the Hardee's.

How are we STILL so ashamed of something so natural, human and basic?

*Shrug* Eh, dunno.

Anyway, the revenue stream of the Google ads (though perhaps "stream" is a bit strong a word. The revenue "slightly drippy faucet" perhaps?) is now gone, so I'm wondering what kind of monetizing strategies seem less odious to you, dear Gentle Reader? I, of course, am happy to write for you for free just because I love you so much, but my shareholders are total dicks and are always talking about stuff like "monetization" and "paying the electric bill."

I'm posting a poll over in the margin there on the right. Please weigh in with with your vote. The question is this:
How would you be willing to support IBWMW?

1. By making your regular purchases through the Amazon search box there at right?
2. Buying something via blog link from sex toy company Good Vibrations?
3. Making a direct donation using the Donate button in the right margin?
4. Getting a Kindle subscription to In Bed With Married Women (only 99¢ a month!)
5. Reading it for damn free like always.

Mull it over and let me know.

(photo source)

Friday, November 18, 2011

"big tide nipple fuck sliping in bedroom"

I, too, often stand topless
next to my lava lamp.
"Big tide nipple fuck sliping in bedroom."

Ah yes, faithful IBWMW readers will recognize this, not as the beginning of a provocative haiku, but rather as the unmistakably tortured syntax, poor spelling and unclear desires of a Misguided Googler®.

So I have an idea. In the interest of trying to run a good business around here (suddenly thought of new blog motto: "Where the Customer Counts," replacing former blog motto "A Cry for Help"), let's have a look at this month's trends in Misguided Googlers®, shall we? Please get out your folders and direct your attention to the screen in front of the room.

As I see it, the keyword trends directing people to this corner of the Internet are as follows:

1. Sexy time with bedposts:  "Women fucking bed poles." "Free videos of women coming on the bed post."

2. Excessively specialized requests:  "Big tits women7" (not sure why big tits women6 was not acceptable to this searcher, but I'm not here to judge.) "Naked female mail carriers." (rrraowwr!) "Jill St. John Lost World camel toe," "cunnilingus in World War I."

3.  Not even asking a question, just bragging:  "I fucked the older woman down the street."

4. Various and sundry requests for married women doing assorted sexual things:  Including married women... "loving cock," "fucking a stranger," "who like to suck any cock they can"...you get the idea. That's why it was so refreshing to find "married women driving naked." (post idea, cashing in on two trends at once: married women mail carriers driving naked.)

5.  Just funny, though I can't really say why: "Can I put fat sex toy in woman virgina." Hell, why not? "Mmm old woman sex," "gay water," "how to catch married woman for fuck." And my favorite, "homemade fuck."

6.  Flattering (certainly, this had to have been my husband): "Blow job marriage divine jill hamilton."

7.  Insulting: "Long and sagging titties." Not me, darlin'. You have come to the wrong place. (Try again in a few years though!)

8. Racist old Southern woman hitting the sherry and drunk Googling: "Wife in bed with a black."

9. Kind of ick: "Fuck horse cervix," "elderly fuck toy," "dog fuck wife in a bedroom." (the bedroom specified because dog fucking wife in kitchen = unacceptable, I guess.)

10. What the hell?!?: "Vagisil porn," "tentacle eroticism," "sexy chipmunk costume," "dildo masturbation ikea," "vagina cupcakes," "inner dildo-y part plus so-called 'rabbit ears' for outer stimulation," "fuckable household objects," "Snuggle bear gets fucked." Oh wait... *blush*...those are all legit.

So, anyone have any business insights? Ways to cash in and whatnot?

If not, I'll leave you with one more search term, "Woman slow hip rolling in bed to orgasm" which I might have to search myself because it sounds kind of hot. I can only hope that wherever I land, they will treat me kindly.

****This just in!:  Due to this post, IBWMW is now the #2 choice for the search term "married woman fuking dogs." New new blog motto:  "Lots of married woman and dog fuking."

(photo source: Space Ghost Depressed)


Note: For more frequent Misguided Googler updates, "like" the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

This is Kind of A Strange Question, But Does Your Teddy Bear Have A Boner?

There are two types of inventors -- the Steve Jobs type, coming up with brilliant, useful products replete with zen-like beauty and then there is...everyone else.

Like whoever the fuck invented this thing, shown there on the left.

This product, as near as I can tell, is called This Teddy Bear Hides Your Sex Toys in a Secret Pouch. Which I guess is a good enough name since that's exactly what it is.

This poor Teddy is upsetting to me because I picture the dude who invented it (Yes, I know it's sexist, but in my mind, this inventor's a guy. And don't be trying to change my mind. I'm pretty firm on this one). Anyway I think of him coming home and telling his wife, "Baby, call your boss and quit your job at the cannery because right here, I've got our ticket out of this rat hole!" Then he proudly whips out the plans for This Teddy Bear Hides Your Sex Toys in a Secret Pouch.

The wife sighs quietly to herself. One gets the feeling that it's just the latest in a long line of sighs that have come with marrying this guy.

I mean, did he not think this through at all? There are so very many ways this is a bad idea.

--First and most importantly, a stuffed animal prominently displayed on the bed is not a guaranteed Mate Attracter. Many, I among them, would argue that it would be more accurately categorized as Mate Repellent.

--If you have kids and want to keep them away from something, a stuffed animal is most assuredly not your best bet. The vegetable drawer in the fridge might be a better choice, or hey, how 'bout trying the night stand drawer like everyone else in the world?

--Except for Plushies, bless those dear, dear stuffed animal fuckers (see also: I Am Going To Fuck You So Hard, Snuggle), stuffed animals and sex just don't go together. Can you imagine rolling about in bed with someone, they get a mischievous look in their eyes and say, "Would you like to try something new?" Then they seductively bring out... their Teddy Bear? No, no, no. And, btw, that sound you hear is genitals shriveling up and scurrying to find a safe place to hide under the bed.

--Pavlovian conditioning. You grab your Teddy Bear, you get out your toy, you have an orgasm. Repeat repeat repeat until, in your mind, Teddy Bear = orgasm. (see above, Plushies) 

--$39.99!  No way, mister, for that kind of money, I'll rip a sex toy hole in my own damn Teddy Bear.

--But main objection to the idea is, well, this:


Right.

xoxoxo
jill

P.S. I found this Back Boner-Having Teddy Bear at Shop In Private, a site featuring all manner of embarrassing products. Loved it as sort of an anthropological study about what sorts of things our society deems to be embarrassing. There were adult diapers, butt lifting lingerie, pubic wigs, lice shampoo, Journey cds, anal douches, back shavers, small sized condoms, cream to keep your balls smelling "fresh" and "The Big Boy Package Appearance Enhancer" (sold out).

Have a look, but be forewarned, when I was there, I inadvertently activated an informational video on the site, and some dude started talking about "coochie shaving cream" in a Really Loud Voice.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Someone Who Actually Used The Female Condom!

A reader over at Dan Savage's column in The Stranger recently linked to this IBWMW reader letter. Upon re-reading it, I loved it again so much that here is it again, showing up at your doorstep, no worse for the long trip. Take it in and give it a good home will you?

Not only is this letter about the female condom, which as faithful readers will recall, I am unduly obsessed with, but it is also stunningly well-written. (Also, non-irrelevantly, I am home with a sick child today and can't be sitting around writing about wieners all day.)

The reader, let's call him B, was good enough to report back to us on his experience with the female condom. I love it especially because he uses the phrase "from a purely penile perspective." Writes B:

"With a regular condom, men lose all the direct friction on the penis, which is, of course, why so many guys hate using them. With the female condom, all the friction and sensation comes back (for the male), but the feeling is still very different from regular no-condom sex, because of what the penis is actually rubbing against: a urethane sheath. Urethane feels nothing like skin, and is also very different from latex… more Saran Wrappy, really.

Maneuvering the penis through the ring-opening is fun, like an accuracy game, and it requires the help of fingers, which most people will probably find lacking in the romance department. But hey, when there’s a plastic ring dangling out of a person’s vagina, it ain't gonna be a scene outta Jane Austen.
Note: Not a scene from
"Pride and Prejudice"
Once the penis is safely inside, a lot of the things you’ve grown to expect from penetration are the same: the pressure and the warmth are as they should be. But then there’s this strange, unfamiliar texture, like your penis is now gripped by something that’s smoother and more plastic than you're used to. From a purely penile perspective, it’s a bit like having sex with a warm, tight sandwich bag. But that’s just a best guess, of course. I’ve never gotten it on with food wrapping, honestly.

I will admit that the sensation was actually exciting as a novelty. Everything else about my girlfriend was the same, but her vagina felt noticeably different. She was 98% human and 2% love doll, and that was a bit of a turn-on, as if she’d swapped out her sex part for something new… not better, but at least different and maybe a tad futuristic.

Blame it on all those nerve endings that make intercourse so penis-centric for guys, but even with all the other stuff that’s going on during sex, there’s no disguising that what you’re feeling down in the thrusting zone isn’t really an au- natural vagina, but something “other.”

So, yeah. Warm, tight, and plasticky.

It’s not a feeling I’d want every time, and it would definitely get to be a drag if it was the default birth control method. But as a one-off experiment, it was enjoyable and memorable."

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Swings of Desire, aka, Ovulation = Hormonal Beer Googles*

Is this chick ovulating?  Check out her
clingy clothes, symmetrical boobs,  the
manly companion... Signs point to "yes."

"People like to forget that we're animals, tied to the Earth and the tides," says a friend with a penchant for making such delightful proclamations. Yes, we think we're making rational decisions, exercising our free choice, and all that... but half the time--hell, maybe all the time--we're just blindly responding to our hormonal instructions like remote control cars in the hands of a sugared-up kid. To wit: this study showing that women buy sexier, clingier clothes while ovulating. (To those who spent sex ed class giggling in the back of the class: ovulation is the woman's fertile period. And if you don't start paying better attention, well, don't make me break out my diagram of the female reproductive system.) 

One of the study's researchers--sounding less like a scientist and more like an evil cyborg villain from a future dystopian universe--noted a way that corporations could cash in this phenomenon by hitting up the ovulation-crazed females ready to shell out cash on push-up bras and the like:
"Our findings suggest marketers for many types of female products are well served to strategically time their mailings, coupons, electronic solicitations, and direct requests to the specific window when women are ovulating."
It's evil, I tell you! (And, following the same logic, presumably the marketing flyers for unsexy clothes would arrive a couple weeks later. Hey, JC Penney's--it's your time to shine!) But ovulating women aren't spending all their time just buying sexy clothes, they're mindlessly obeying their hormones in myriad ways. Women's voices get higher-pitched during ovulation, they walk differentlyprefer more masculine faces and are more susceptible to pick-up lines. During this period, they're also more likely to fantasize about someone other than their partner. (For your Fantasy Consideration: Javier Bardem in that scene in Vicky Christina Barcelona where he seduces two women by telling them, "Life is short, life is boring, life is full of pain," thus, they should immediately run off to an island with him for the weekend.)

Transformers Leader Optimus PrimeUm...what was I saying, oh yes, during ovulation, women's bodies change like some mutant Transformer, except instead of becoming robots in disguise, our ears, fingers and breasts get more symmetrical and skin color lightens. (Cue creepy sound effect to signify mutation.) Women actually get observably prettier, and subjects consistently rate ovulating women as more attractive.
And it's not just the ladies going all crazy with the hormones. Men think ovulating women smell better, they get more jealous of dominant males when their partner is ovulating and they give ovulating strippers more tips. ($70 an hour for the ovulating strippers vs. only $35 for the menstruating ones, but I'm guessing that's because the menstruating ones were probably sobbing in the corner, complaining that everyone had become a complete asshole.)

It all seems a little complex. I don't see why humans didn't just adopt the chimpanzee method of the females developing a big swollen pink butt when they're ready to go. It's a simple, obvious and clear signal of willingness. Although, admittedly, the pink butt route has its own drawbacks. Swollen pink butts do in fact make your butt look fat in those jeans, and pink butt makes it much more difficult to play it coy.

Female: Hmmm...I don't know if I'm interested...
Male: Uh, I can see your big ol' pink butt, you know.
Female: Oh, yeah, right....Let's go back to your place then.

Several friends and I have noticed that as we've entered our 40s, our cyclical swings of desire have become much more pronounced. One week we'd rather read a book, the next we're eying the bag boys at the grocery store. (Has the guy who brings the carts in always been so damn smokin'?) It's like when we're into it, we're WAY into it--like Superfreaks--and when we're not, well, eh, whatever. So here are your questions for the day: Are you elderly like us and is this happening to you as well? If so, you always noticed it or are you just becoming more attuned to the rhythms of your body? And you too, men, how is your desire changing as you age? Comment below, or drop me an email.

xoxoxox
jill
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