Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Horse With No Name, And Other Sexual Props

I was tinkering around here, setting up a new, more alluring Donate button (over there, upper right) and saw a "You Might Also Like" link to an old post. I clicked on the ancient post, deciphered the cuneiform therein, and rediscovered a completely fascinating fetish prop store. It was found by a reader who'd been inspired to Seek Greater Knowledge by the anal ring toss game post. She wrote:
"I actually googled 'Who invented the anal ring toss?' I needed to know the story. Couldn't find anything. Darn. But what I did find while searching was almost as funny to me. I need to explore these web sites more..Here I feel so knowledgeable, but I didn't know this existed. Check this out:  The Pony Head Bridle Set."

What she found was horsey gear, very expensive horsey gear. This Pony Head Bridle Set, for example, is $275-335, despite the difficult-to-miss fact that the plume looks suspiciously like a feather duster. (That's how they get you! Cheap plume!) Although, to be fair, I'm not an expert and am willing to entertain the idea that my plume/feather duster differentiation skills might be a bit off. According to the ad copy (and I'm just going to take their word on this): "You could search the finest stables in the world for the rest of your life and never find a bridle set as intricate and beautiful as this one." In other words, Miss Smarty Pants Blogger Girl, it's not a fucking feather duster. It's a PLUME.  

If you're one of those matchy-matchy types, you can also buy the Stainless Steel Horse Hair Anal Plug for only $99 (stainless, I guess, being much better than the rusty tin anal plugs grandma used). It has a "pleasing teardrop shape for ease of entry" and is also, according to the copy, "French" and "chic." Because if you're not sporting a chic anal plug, your pretend horse tail will just look silly. If you want hooves as well, it's going to set you back another $199. And that's just front hooves, the only kind available. (Miss Smith, take a memo! Re: new business idea, back hooves.)

Horse Hair Anal Plug.
Note the "pleasing" shape.
It is all WAY too pricey for me, adding one more item to my mental list of Reasons I'm Glad This Is Not My Fetish. If it were my thing, I'd be having to do it on the cheap, "making do" with some sorry-ass broom being my horsey, a dollar store feather duster as my sad, garishly-colored plume, and one of my daughter's old matted princess wigs as my Eeyore-like tail. ("Uh, Mommy, what are you doing with my Belle wig?!") Yes, I would be a sad little Clover (this is my horse name, I just decided). No chic, non-rusting tail butt plug for poor Clover. No happy prancing for my master. Just a pitiful whinny and a simple wish for a sugar cube.

Anyway, if you are feeling brave and have an easily erasable search history, I suggest you go over and check out the whole damn fetish store, if only to scare the bejeezus out of yourself.  I spent the good part of the morning doing just that (uh...maybe you could forget I said that..) and discovered such items as:

--Something called a "Fuck Saw": "You hold it like a gun, and drill into the ass or vagina with powerful and steady force," the copy helpfully explains. 

--The Love Machine: Incorrectly described as having "elegant styling and clean lines" (?), The Love Machine looks less streamline sex toy and more 7-11 hot dog machine--albeit one gone frighteningly awry, spinning out of control and slapping your genitals repeatedly with its elegantly styled wieners. Slapslapslapslap.
The Love Machine.
Hey, anyone else want a Slurpee?

--The Slave Driver Fucking Machine: It costs a little over a thousand bucks but is almost worth it for the name alone. "Hey boss, what should we name this slave driver fucking machine?" "Ma'am? FedEx. Can you sign for this Slave Driver Fucking Machine?" "Honey, how many times do I have to tell you not to throw dirty clothes on the Slave Driver Fucking Machine?" (Note: The ad says in bold text, "No returns/exchanges will be accepted for this product." So don't be ordering a Slave Driver Fucking Machine in periwinkle, then deciding you want the yellow one after all.)

--And finally, The Ultimate Asslock: It's a chastity belt. For your ass. Which would be a fine enough slogan, but I like this one better, from the product's description: "Sometimes, you want others to know your ass is off-limits."

It's, like, THE perfect slogan.  It's short. It creates a consumer need where none existed before. ("Hmmm...I used to have to tell people my ass was off-limits, but with the Ultimate Asslock, I needn't say a word...") And it's relatable. I'm mean, who doesn't agree that: "Sometimes, you want others to know your ass is off-limits"?

As for me, because I do not (yet) own The Ultimate Asslock, I will need to inform you, gentle reader, in the tiresomely old-fashioned, verbal manner that: "Sorry, today my ass is off-limits."

(image source:


Tom G. said...

I for one am glad to see that the slave driver fuckin machine is an American made product. It's Yankee Ingenuity like this that made this country great.

Seriously, I am laughing my ass off at your review. Too funny. Kinda scary, but still funny. To think I made do with Jergen's lotion and an over active imagination as a teenager.

Anonymous said...

If I had know about asslock I wouldn't have gotten the tattoo that says "Keep out". This information has come too late for me ...

Anonymous said...

That butt plug looks dangerous. What if it got stuck? Can you imagine having to go to the hospital to get it taken out!!?? NO. Just NO. NOOOOO.

Unknown said...

The tail/butt plug scared the hell out of me. Nothing about it screamed comfort. The Fuck Saw? Wow.

M. Hicks said...

Wow, you've given me a lot to think of today...but having an off-limits ass is a new concept entirely. I guess I'm having some issues with the very purpose of a chastity belt, but further--If I can't get into your ass, what happens to the things that need to come out of it?
What was even more disturbing is that I did indeed look. Folks, this is not a chastity belt at all, but a LOCKING club(yes, like for your volvo) in your ass.
I'm trying really hard, but I can't think of anyone I would give the key to my ass to. Good thing it's stainless, because I'm guessing accidents happen.

Jill Hamilton said...

Tom G. I wonder how the inventor told his or her loved ones about their awesome new invention that was going to make them rich, i tell you!, rich!

betty. the keep out tattoo is a simple and elegant solution. this idea could put the ass lock company out of business.

midwestern mama, would it be hospital or vet? not sure.

tricia, i don't know why it makes me happy to shock you, especially. but it does.

summer, not only did it not scream comfort, it also did not whisper comfort.

m. hicks--thank you for being brave enough to look, on everyone's behalf. you're the kind of chick we like around here.