Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Do These Pants Make My Vagina Look Fat?

What? You can see my nipples
through this shirt? Well, I'll just
have to do something about that.
Right after I drink this delicious
Taster's Choice Instant Coffee®.
I don't know quite how to bring this up, but your genitals, well, they look fine. Your boobs too. I would hope everyone knows this, but I am beginning to wonder.

Consider the evidence:
--The ubiquitous gigantic foam boob-shaped bras* to be placed over one's own inadequate orbs (note: all boob sizes are deemed inadequate by bra manufacturers).
--The absurd amount of bra technological know-how devoted to designing thick, excessive "coverage" (that is, padding) for all new bras, lest anyone see any scandalous evidence of nipple-having.
--The very existence of the Smooth Grove, a heinous sanitary pad-looking piece of "medical grade polymer" used to prevent--and, gentle reader, please know that I absolutely despise this word and am using it here only because no other word will suffice--camel toe. (Handy hint!: try pants that do not ram themselves up your crotch...)
--Various and sundry other pants-stuffing items. Reported Anonymous:
"I saw these things designed to be put down the front of a guy's underpants.  They're sort of like bas-relief foam sculptures of a large, non-erect penis and balls, and I guess if you're walking around with very tight pants, they give the illusion of having a thick, meaty wang." 
Okay, excepting lesbians who pack for reasons of their own, if you don't actually have "a thick, meaty wang," why are you trying to attract someone with the very thing you don't possess? (Not to mention the mind-boggling etiquette issues regarding the hows and whens of fake wiener removal.)

Whatever. I'm judging. Maybe I should just accept all the fakery. I'll just buy plenty of nipple-hiding bras and be done with it.  Because, wait, wha...?

Seriously? So nipples, now bad, were once...good? And not just good, but an important part of "that sensual no-bra-look"? (The ad makes no mention of what happens if your real nipples dare to make an appearance. A nipple truism: although two nipples are sexy, four nipples, oddly, are not twice as sexy.)

Okay, this is all giving me a plan. As we've learned today:
1. sexual trends go in cycles (nipples/no nipples)
2. bigger is better ("thick, meaty wang")

So this is what we do: we manufacture foam prosthetic camel toes to be worn inside the pants. And I'm not talking just any camel toes, I'm talking HUGE ones. (Remember, bigger is better...) I'm talking big-ass camel toes that will make folks stop and stare. "Look at the camel toe on her! That chick must have one giant vagina. Oh, hell, yeah!"

I'm pretty sure it's the perfect plan. Are you with me?

OR maybe we could just accept that we are all as hot as fucking hell. You, unadorned, are incredibly sexy.  The curve of your thigh, the rise of your nipple, the jut of your lower lip, the way that part of your body swells when you're aroused--these things, these real things are what is sexy. Not some stupid mass-marketed unbreathable foam approximation in the (currently fashionable) shape of a sexual part.

Now, I'm not saying not to throw on a little lipstick or do a sit up or two. I mean, everyone wants to look decent. But, for fuck's sake, don't go around wearing a foam penis. Yes, they're all forms of enhancement, but you need to draw the line somewhere--preferably way way before you're sticking foam down your pants. Believe me, your genitals look fine. As they are.

So, yes, you're hot. To an absurd degree. Go forth and enchant.

For further reading on things of a boobic nature:
--An excellent article on nipple fear: The Tyranny of the T-Shirt Bra in The Hairpin.
--An IBWMW post on changes in boob styles (plus a photo of a truly awesome set of bullet boobs): Major Boobage
--*A post on fake superboobs in Overthinking the Magic Bra

(image source:  http://lacontessa.tumblr.com/archive)


Unknown said...

Dude. I will TOTALLY wear a prosthetic camel toe with you. Think I wouldn't??

And now you need to write about how fucked up it is that people have cosmetic surgery on their labia.

Jill Hamilton said...

Tricia--a. i somehow know that you would. b. agreed. i mean maybe if it's dragging on the ground or something. actually, no. if it is dragging on the damn ground, there is someone out there who will think that's the hottest fucking thing around.

The Bun said...

did someone say prosthetic camel toe?!
mostly-safe for work fake poster:

srsly, what.

Harleyq said...

After reading this article, I went upstairs and took off my underclothes and admired myself in clothes "au naturel." Thanks for pointing out how ridiculous societal fashion sense can be (not to mention how much more comfortable "au naturel" is). In all honesty sometimes it can be hard to be kind to ourselves.

PS. Did anyone note the insane cost of the nipple bra above,-$2000.00?

Unknown said...

I just hate the human body. Period. I think it looks gross. Adding those "enhancements" don't do it for me either.

Jill Hamilton said...

Oh, The Bun--I am wrecked that my idea has been pre-thought-of. Wrecked, I tell you!

Harleyq--i'm thinking it's 20 bucks which isn't so bad since it comes with fake nipples and all.

leila--i am herewith advising all readers not to present their human bodies to you. i think that should do it.

Practical Parsimony said...

Hilarious. This is my first time here. I came over from somewhere to find this! I don't care if my nipples show. Mostly, I don't wear a bra. The one I do wear is just a thin layer of nylon for the cup. I hate bras! You are so right about the tight pants. It causes me pain to think of it. Great blog! Come visit me. But, I am boring compared to this.

CkretsGalore said...

Shit, I love technology but it's always there in my face to inform me of yet another thing I should be ashamed about. The older I get the more I want to hide. I've gotten to the point where I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

Perhaps if I just run to the mountains, wear bleached out potato sack undergarments and rock it like the Amish do, I might just feel a bit better.

Who am I kidding? I'm a child of technology so I had better learn to deal with it and rock a prosthetic camel toe out of spite.

Anonymous said...

At this point I have been wearing nursing bras for the last 6 years (three kids back-to-back; no one panic) and the only think I want from an undergarment is the illusion that my boobs don't "really" touch my belly button.

Sandra Davies said...

Bugger - another coffee-spraying moment, this time the four nipples ...

Jill Hamilton said...

Sandra--here is a post in which i specifically inserted a coffee-spraying moment. see if you can find it: http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com/2011/01/mmm-sex-toy-recycling.html
Betty--the stomach and boobs must join forces to create one mighty superboob, I say.
Ckets--if you rock the camel toe, you will have to post photos.
And Parsimony--are you freakin' kidding? i love parsimony (or at least i did after I looked it up._ going to follow you now.

katsidhe said...

"You, unadorned, are incredibly sexy. The curve of your thigh, the rise of your nipple, the jut of your lover lip, the way that part of your body swells when you're aroused--these things, these real things are what is sexy. Not some stupid mass-marketed unbreathable foam approximation in the (currently fashionable) shape of a sexual part."

This is one of the most brilliant paragraphs that I have ever read. I want to cross stitch it on a fucking sample.

You KICK ASS, Jill.

Anonymous said...

I agree on Katsidhe's comment too! I must say, being in the market for a penis (man), I would be quite pissed if I found a foam penis in my guys pants. False advertising will get you no where, especially not laid.

Enid Wilson said...

Good to know bigger is better! I've a big bum.

Bargain with the Devil

Unknown said...

You are hysterical. I found a link to your blog from "Ramblings of an Agnostic Mom" (I think is the title). I am now a follower... there aren't enough blogs out there like yours.

The Barreness said...

Jill, there are so many reasons to love you.

Especially your nipples.

Fantastic post, top to bottom.

*virtual ass slap*

(It's, like, my version of a high five.)

- B x

Kim said...

You can also get the nipple effect in a heavily padded bra by attaching diamond post earrings on the front of each cup. Yea, I actually tried it! Why, you ask? Huh, cause I'm a closeted Double D wannabe with Barely B boobs. ;-) And, no, I didn't walk out of the house with the pierced earrings in my bra. Removed them and the socks too. Hahaha

Anonymous said...

Or you could just skip the bra completely. I believe that to be yet another misogynistic artifice, along with heels. Truth be told, I stopped wearing a bra years ago. After about 3 weeks I built the muscle up in my back and had no ache. The idea that we 'need' support baffles me. Let your body do what it was designed to do! On the occasion when the nipples need camoflage, a silk camisole works nicely and is far more comfortable.