Tuesday, February 22, 2011

How to Have a G-spot Orgasm, Plus A Contest

We've got lots to cover today so walk with me, will you?

It has come to my attention that some of you haven't had a G-spot orgasm and/or can't even find the damned thing. (Have you checked the sock drawer?) It's understandable -- there is still debate among the scientific community (generally identifiable in the wild by their distinctive "scientific community" t-shirts) over whether the G-spot even exists. But more on that later. The point is, if you want to have a G-spot orgasm (or "alleged" G-spot orgasm), you need to know how. Writes reader Harleyq:
Having never experienced a G-Spot "Big O," I find the idea titillating and am imagining the prospect of instant amazing "Big O's" every day quite exciting, beneficial to my co-workers and an improvement on my demeanor. 
Yes, we could all use an improvement on our demeanors, could we not? (A brief aside to men who wish to run screaming out of the room: Go. Go now. See also: Men Who Care About The G-Spot Are A Myth, Say Experts in the Daily Mash.)

Sooo....the G-spot. It's odd--for a body part that can elicit such pleasure, talk of the G-spot is often oddly unsexy. The G-spot doesn't have the sexual cache of say, a swelling bosom or a jutting erection. And it doesn't help that every account of the spot is seemingly required by law to mention that the spot is "shaped like a bean," not exactly the most sexual of legumes. (Which, of course, would be the pea. See also: Ed's identification of my excessive pea mentions in a "robo-sexual context").

If I were the G-spot's press agent--a job I would totally take--I would definitely do something about the dreary tone of most G-spot articles. Look at this snippet from Wikipedia's G-spot entry:
"The vaginal wall is, in fact, the clitoris," said O'Connell. "If you lift the skin off the vagina on the side walls, you get the bulbs of the clitoris – triangular, crescental masses of erectile tissue."
Lifting vagina skin? "Bulbs of the clitoris?" Um, are we still talking about sex here? This is erection-deflating language, to say the least. And I'm talking both penile erections and erections of the "triangular, crescental masses of the bulbs of the clitoris."

Now, if you will direct your attention to the overhead projector, you'll see the oversized female x-section showing the G-spot.

The G-spot is #4. Or is it #8? I kid, I'm pretty sure it's #4. In non-disembodied-halved-torso terms, it is on the upper part of the inside of your vag, about an inch or so back. If you were to stick your finger in there--oh, just friggin' do it, don't be such a pussy--you can locate it by pretending as though you were trying to stimulate what would be the back side of the clitoris. Which is exactly what some scientists theorize is going on with G-spot orgasms.

Scientists actually don't know much about what's happening with women and their sexual response, despite years of study (including Ernst Grafenberg's--the g in G-spot--1950s page-turner The Role of the Urethra in Female Orgasm, a work which Wikipedia, perhaps cheekily, describes as "seminal.") G-spot theories include: it's analogous to a female prostate, women only think they have one, or it might have something to do with the Skene's gland or perhaps the nerve-rich urethral sponge. (Note: do not use the urethral sponge for washing dishes.) To make matters more confusing, a few women emit some sort of ejaculate during G-spot orgasms and scientists don't even know what the hell it is.

Despite all this, G-spots rock the house. Women describe G-spot orgasms with words like "deeper," "stronger" and "more satisfying." These would be good adjectives, orgasm-wise.

Here's how to attain such satisfaction (aka imaginary satisfaction, probably due to the common female vexation of "hysteria.") Step one: Get yourself an insertable vibrator. (I suggest Good Vibrations because of all the bonus educational material they offer, plus whole the kickback thing.) Step two: Go to it. Step three: as you become more aroused*, direct the vibrator's attention to the upper, front part of the inside of your vag. Press hard. Step four: Keep at it until you experience transcendence, see nirvana, pulse with the Universe, etc... Step five: Go about your regularly scheduled day.

What is important with the G-spot to get the right tool, so to speak, for the job. In my post about testing the vibrator, The Post in Which I Whore Myself Out for a $22 Piece of Thermoplastic Rubber, I was too timid (yes, I know, so very lame) to write that the vibrations on that particular model were a little tepid for me. But lovely reader Tricia, who has major (metaphorical) balls, had no such qualms and commented:
I have one of those vibes and it does nothing for me. The vibration is too weak. Does GV have a 'strong as a jackhammer' section? That takes a car battery, perhaps?
Yes, in the words of the Diff'rent Strokes theme song "What might be right for you, may not be right for some." If you're unsure of the strength you require, GV has a chart of vibes that shows the intensity and volume relative to other choices.

And FINALLY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THE CONEST:  Our prize today is the Dreamy Mini-G Vibrator (pictured at left) which in the mid-range of intensity (3 of 5, one notch higher than the one I tested). To enter, recruit some sap to "like" the In Bed With Married Women's Facebook page, then come back here and tell me that you did it, either via a comment or email. I'll chose a winner according to the vagaries of my whims.

*Because of the way in which G-spot stimulation gets better and more effective as things progress, I could be talked into the Taoist belief (see also: The Three Types of Orgasms) which describes woman's sexual arousal as a series of three gates (clitoral, vaginal and cervical) that need to be entered in progression to ultimately reach "an ecstatic state of arousal." I cannot, however, be talked into the Taoist belief that eating lamb "produces excitable people with inordinately strong sexual desire."


photo source: http://wickedknickers.tumblr.com/post/925107020/marilyn-monroe-via-blueruins-retrodoll
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18 comments:

Tricia said...

Oh, how I love you! Step by step kitty-diggin' instructions. That's hilarious.

"Press harder. PRESS HARDER, GRASSHOPPER!"

CkretsGalore said...

I'm the 259th person to Like In Bed With Married Women.
Bet my fiancee's mom won't approve. Mwahahahah

Randi said...

I liked it. I liked sex toys. And I've never had a G-spot orgasm. I think?

Bill said...

LOVE the photo with this article.

JackJuste said...

Darn, I was all set to go to war for my brothers over at the Mash, then realized, "oops, satire." Damn. Back in the day before the marital bit transpired and everything went to hell, bed-wise, triggering such events during the backseat/dorm room hoohah was part of the thrill. Just sayin'... Never had any complaints about the "hunt" for that magic sweet spot. And yes, as a dude, a total power trip was the bonus. Great piece, as always, Jill!

Misty's Place said...

I always share your blogs with all my guy friends and I'm asking them to like it on FB. I've "Liked it". I do not believe I have every had a gspot one but I'm willing to keep trying.

Harleyq said...

Well, I have been told! I will be insatiably seeking my "Pulse of the Universe," and will let you know when i find my "Nirvana." And yes, I am smiling. Honestly, thanks for providing the most understandable explanation to this mystifying event for me. Have an amazing "O", errr Day!!

christy said...

Award for youuuuu! =)
http://phantasosplayground.blogspot.com/

Colleen Towner said...

My husband refered me to your blog. As a fellow blog writer, he 'helps' by researching other blogs out there, and though yours didn't include the porn he had hoped for, I find your writing important, informational, and inspiring on several levels.

Send me the vibrator. I've instructed a friend to "follow" In Bed... immediately and included an ultimatum that I'd expose her as a clit-block should she fail to do so immediately. She'll do it.

Love your blog. Thanks for writing. If you ever feel like reading about what it's like to Wake Up Vegan (not Vegas, vegan...no animal products?) then check out my blog at www.colleentowner@blogspot.com

I need the vibrator the most. I have four kids.

jenerosity said...

I liked it! Love the blog. Thanks for the laughs! And btw, I have just recently (being 40) had the big G spot nirvana-inducing O and.I.want.more! Other than being one year closer to menopause, it's the only thing 40 has rocking for it, so far... And, yes, I "gushed." Being of the scientific mind, I didn't think it was possible, nor did I believe in the ejaculate since they "don't even know what the hell it is!" but I am a convert and will preach to all who will listen!!

jill hamilton said...

Tricia--Kitty. Digging. Hmmm. New phrase duly noted.
Ckrets--Thank you. Hope that doesn't, like, ruin the wedding or anything.
Randi and Misty's Place--Sorry about the not winning thing, but do try again. We're always giving away stuff to insert in various orifices.
Bill--Yes, that is Marilyn Monroe in the photo. But I am ashamed to say that I found the mid-century pool furniture and pool just as sexy.
Christy--thanks! Will go and visit post haste.
And jenerosity--This is so interesting to me. My friend--also 40--had her first g-spot orgasm, and the gushing thing like you did. Why do we know so little about this? IBWMW Science department, get on this at once!

jill hamilton said...

Whoops, accidentally missed you, JackJuste. Thanks for the kind words and good to know you're ready to stick up for your brethren. Don't worry--'ll probably end up riling you up at some point.

Anonymous said...

well damn, according to this i must be one lucky son of a gun. until i met my husband i have never had a "g spot orgasm" but he taught me i could, (i must also say i was his first, lucky me!) once i met him i also learned i am a gusher.. oh yes ma'am! soak the whole bed kind. so from now on i am going to consider myself lucky!!

Sandra Davies said...

Halfway through reading this when my husband shouts up the stairs: 'do you want some custard with your treacle tart?

Now too blind with tears to see - will come back later ...

jill hamilton said...

Ohh, Sandra Davies, yours is my favorite comment of the day.
And Anonymous, I am blind w/ tears over your comment, but I do love how your "oh yes ma'am!" when you soak your damn bed with, well, whatever the hell that stuff is.

Elizabeth said...

Thought I'd add a helpful hint on the g-spot finding instructions. If you've been stimulating it for a while, you'll feel like you need to pee, but don't worry, keep going - you're not going to pee and you will start to feel pretty awesome.

Anonymous said...

I love g-spot stimulation. The best toy I've found is the Magic Banana, or the K Loop in Canada.

Bob said...

I was planning to make the same comment as Elizabeth, that G stimulation often or even generally leads to the urge to urinate. I have read numerous places that feeling that sensation is often the reason women who are aware of the location of the G still do not find the trigger because they suddenly "gotta go".

I have introduced more than a few ladies to their G and 9 times out of 10 I have had them stop me with this complaint on the initial attempt. I challenge them to put something into the toilet and come back. Then I explain that is normal to feel that sensation bladder full or empty, point out that they should now in fact be empty, and lets try again.

Twos a charm!

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