Friday, April 22, 2011

How To Behave in the Presence of a Female Condom

My favorite question of the day comes from Anonymous, in response to Female Condom, Where Art Thou?
"At 58, I have never seen one female condom and I'm not sure what I would do if I did. Should a gentleman just lay back and let the lady take the lead? Or maybe offer to help with it???"
Well, gentle reader, I appreciate your desire to be polite when faced with an unscheduled female condom sighting.

According to this informative animated video I just watched on your behalf, How To Insert the Female Condom, both are considered correct etiquette. The woman can put the thing in ahead of time OR the gentleman can assist with insertion. Which would be great, if either option seemed in the least bit appealing. Let's assess:

Option #1:  If the man offers to assist, well, it's kind of a complex procedure. There are the mysteries of an inner ring and outer ring to unravel and the necessity of locating the cervix. Not to mention of question of whether you are the one who is supposed to shove it up there, or if you just offer moral support to your lady, referring as needed to the handy clip-n-save chart at left.  ("I am going to fuck you so hard. But first, according to Figure 3, you need to squeeze the inner ring between your index finger and thumb and insert it in your vagina, making sure it is resting against the cervix.")

Option #2:  Alternately, the women can insert it beforehand so it's already there "for foreplay." Or so suggests the video, which was filmed in an alternate universe in which a rubber ring dangling out of the vag is a sexy and desirable part of foreplay. "Do you like it when I stroke your outer ring?"  

And there is the added indignity of having to make an entrance while donning the device. Is it even remotely possible to feel seductive with this thing hanging out of your nether regions, flapping in the breeze like some sort of vaginal wind sock, and making its trademark Pampers-like "rustling" sound with each step? Thwick, thwick, thwick.

Option #3?: I guess a third option would be to insert it in front of the man when the time comes. But I'm not sure that even the combined forces of mood lighting, sexy music and seductive movements could make these insertion moves look alluring.


But, to be fair, let's experiment:

Okay, put the lights down low, relax and put on some sexy music, while gazing at the above picture.....

Take a good breath and get comfortable. Trail a fingertip lightly along your jawline, then slowly down your neck and work your way lazily across and down your chest....

Is it working for you? No, not even the squatting picture? That's not making you hot?

Okay, then. I am officially flummoxed. Does any one else have some female condom wisdom/advice/haiku to share with dear Anonymous?

15 comments:

bettyfokker said...

You know, I can usually come up with something pithy ... but not this time.

Can't keep anything to myself said...

Ooh. That made me kind of wet. Now I really want to try a female condom.

Also, I recently found your blog and have sense become obsessed! I started reading all of them once I finally figured out the gosh darn website (having been a virgin blog reader). Unfortunately, once I found the archives, it went really fast and I am now up to date. I've found that it's relaxing to take breaks from homework and read an entry or two. Or if I need to smile or just plain crack up, I might read a month's worth of posts. Although I try to do it when my roommates not here; she looks at me funny when I snort at my computer screen.
And of course I must tell you, like all your other followers (yes, now I know that everyone tells you this because I have stalked your whole blog from top to bottom), that you are a FANTASTIC writer. And a life saver. Seriously. I've been on the verge of a breakdown and all I had to do was go back and read the Cathy blog and I'm suddenly laughing. It's great. This has grown really long. Longer than expected. I keep wanting to comment, but I haven't quite found the right opportunity. Although, now that I am up to date, I think I will comment more. Because you inspire me. Now you probably think I'm creepy. Oh well.
Cheers!

PS Please write more. I have nothing to read anymore!

Tricia said...

My advice: Don't. Just...don't.

Harleyq said...

Well, why doesn't someone just pull out my nails? It would be quicker and less painful... Personally, I think a colon treatment would be more sexually stimulating.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Jesus, a vasectomy sounds like the easier option.

jill hamilton said...

Betty, Tricia, Harleyq and Tony, I think I've scared you all. This post even scared a new reader who had posted a long, delightfully flattering letter, then perhaps skeeved out by my excessive female condom talk, promptly deleted the comment. Also, my neighbor came up to me last night and said, "That post was gross!"

Unfortunately, this just makes me want to be MORE offensive, so I will add this bit of trivia: Did you know that the FDA calls female condoms "Vaginal pouches"? Does that make it any more sexy to you? Still no?

All right then, FINE, I will try my darndest to drop the subject.

Orchid said...

This made my day! I can't stop laughing. I am also so happy that I am fixed lol

Katsidhe said...

I agree with Tricia. The best advice is stay away from the bloody thing.

Nicki said...

I rather prefer your "Vaginal windsock" to "female condom" or "vaginal pouch."

BiCuriousCourtney said...

Hahhaha! Those photos were the best! What a funny article... thanks :) Oh yeah, and I agree with Tricia, just don't!

Salina said...

I just have to say awesome Information also Love it... looks gorgeous and what a wonderful photos Really I like it Now Foods

Can't keep anything to myself said...

I didn't delete it! I thought you deleted it. I was so sad and confused :( I thought maybe I was being the creepy one. Haha. Hmm. How did that happen then? And what a shame that my creeper comment was lost :(

jill hamilton said...

Orchid--yeah, i guess if you're fixed you don't have to wear one. you COULD though, if you just, you know, wanted to.
Nicki--I know the whole calling it a frickin' "vaginal pouch" dashed any last home of widespread adoption. go on, say 'vaginal pouch' in your most sexy voice--see, it's no damn good, i tell you!
BiCurious--I am fond of the photos as well. imagine the artist getting that particular assignment.
And dear Can't keep anything to myself, I feel awful that you thought i deleted it. are you kidding? I love comments like that! am going to find that fucking comment and publish it. off to do so right now...

jill hamilton said...

found it. it was in the spam folder. unlike the actual spam i get (see also, a certain "reader" above who likes my "awesome Information".

emmanence said...

this is such a belated comment, I also laughed out loud and then it made me sad. Not that the whole 'women's empowerment through access to female condom' thing isn't riddled with its own problems, but really, that we can be so disgusted by the one barrier method that doesn't rely on anyone else to use it, and actively discourage people from even trying? I'm also writing from South Africa, highest rate of HIV infection in the world, lots of issues with women even being able to talk to men about sex, or even have control over where, when & how. There's some evidence that some women manage to use it in a way that hides it from their partners so they don't even have to get into this discussion...

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