Thursday, July 29, 2010

Here Are The Keys To The Blog. Keep An Eye On It, Will You? (And NO Parties.)

So my Internet is down, and I am thus forced to suckle at the corporate teat that is Starbucks' free wi-fi. ("Free" if you don't count the $3.95+tip drink that sits by my side.) I know, it's tragic. I can pause if you need to run and get a hankie. Anyhow, I can't leave the blog just sitting here. Could you take over and answer this question a lovely reader sent in? Why? A). As noted a couple of sentences ago--stay with me, man!--it is temporary arduous for me to attend to Internetish things. But mainly, B). I can barely unload my dishwasher, let alone solve someone's actual life dilemma. I am completely unqualified. But you, random Internet stranger, I am sure that you are fully credentialed in such matters. Will you give it a try?

Dear In Bed with Married Women,

I am in turmoil and I need your help! My husband and I have read many times that for the most sex and romance in a bedroom, you must not have a television in there. We took out our television with me imagining more frequent sex and cozy reading side-by-side, even some tantalizing conversation about the sexy books we were reading and sharing with each other.
Unfortunately, my husband still does not read much (I thought it would change with no t.v. in the boudoir). He falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I, on the other hand, have a terrible time getting to sleep at night so I will be up reading alone for hours while constantly nudging him to stop his chronic snoring or I watch my dvr'd shows on t.v. .......in the living room.
Well, needless to say, our sex life is worse than ever because I keep falling asleep on the couch in front of the television. I wasn't putting two-and-two together until he pointed out that we 'retire to the bedroom' (meant to be read in a deep, Tom Jones-kinda voice) at completely different times now. Before, we would both go in there and while my glorious television shows played in the background we would satisfy our desires; afterwards, my shows were still there waiting for me and he could sleep away (while I constantly nudged him to stop his chronic, ear-drum-busting, snoring). We both were happy.
Am I doing something wrong, or should I just put the television back in for some romance?
Tragically Yours,
Sexually Depraved TV Addict

So what do you think? My all-purpose advice is generally "walk it off," but I'm not sure it pertains here.  Got anything better for her? I think you do.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Is "Ice Butt" A Color? And Other Important Questions of These Times

Reader Buckeye Wife and her husband were inspired by the Mangina post to Google "weird sex toys." "Really, I'm not a perv," she hastens to add. "Just immature and still giggle about weird sex stuff." The most decidedly non-pervy Buckeye Wife and her husband stumbled upon a discussion thread featuring the excellent discovery that Amazon sells sex toys. Yes! Bookish ol' Amazon, peddling smut!

Writer Smith1990 linked to two especially intriguing products, noting, "The comments are brilliant. If you feel like a giggle and aren't uptight about sex, go have a look." Of course, I was so there.  And it was well worth the arduous task of clicking the link to behold the Private Pleasures New Soft Touch Vagina & Anus. I mean, the description alone!
Soft & sensual! So incredibly life-like, you'll think you are deep inside of me!! Sensational ribbed passage. Tight & sassy anus. 6 Inch love tunnel. Exquisitely detailed vaginal lips. You can feel my soft Vagina and anus swallow your throbbing penis with every stroke. As you slide into my private pleasures the feeling is so life-like that it's as if you were deep inside of me!! I like it both ways! Sold as a novelty only. 
I love so much about this: that the anus is described as "sassy," the random capitalization of Vagina and the fact that it's "sold as a novelty only." I can't imagine any non-novelty use and I've spent a good minute or so trying. But perhaps most lovely thing about this paragraph is how it's written from the point of view of the disembodied anus/vagina thing. Genius! And I have to admit that the anus/vagina thing does indeed seem to have a pleasant and agreeable personality. After all, who likes a grouchy anus/vagina thing? ("Jeez! What are you doing to me?! I have to get up early tomorrow!")

Buckeye Wife and her husband were also enchanted by the FleshLight Masturbator and I can't blame them. The FleshLight (not to be confused with the excellent Parliament song "Flashlight") is an artificial anus housed, inexplicably, in a flashlight canister. The ad copy claims this is "discreet" storage, but I picture this causing way more problems than it solves. ("EARTHQUAKE!!" "Don't worry everyone! Everything's gonna be fine. I grabbed this....uh, anus masturbator.")

Writes Buckeye Wife, "My favorite part is that the color of the FleshLight is listed as 'anus.'" Oh, mine too, Buckeye Wife, mine too. And a side note to those who don't care for the color "anus": you will be pleased to know that the FleshLight also comes in the colors Pink Butt, as well as Ice Butt.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

How I Became An "Anal Bleaching Expert"

Hey there. Are you busy? Google the phrase "anal bleaching expert" (with the quotes). Go ahead, I'll wait.... Do you see what I mean?

YES, to my horror, I am now the stinkin' top hit for "anal bleaching expert." How can this be? I mean, I only wrote one post about anal bleaching--okay, fine, I wrote two--but that's not the point. The point is that I'm placing the blame for all this squarely on the shoulders of the newly-hateful* Stephenson Billings, writer for parody extremist Christian web site ChristWire. (At least I certainly hope it's a fake site.)

In his post, Anal Bleaching, For the Sodomite Who Wants to Look His Best, Billings warns his readers of the horrors of anal bleaching, citing the In Bed With Married Women post Is Your Anus Looking Its Whitest?, and referring to me as an "anal bleaching expert." When I saw this, I replied something to him like, "Oh great, now I am an anal bleaching 'expert,'" noting that I would need to print up new business cards.

At this point, Billings cruelly referred to me again--in bold letters no less--as Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton. Well, that did it. ChristWire has a gazillion readers and before I could sputter impotently, "But, wait a minut...", I had become...Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton. Which, now that I see it in all caps, sounds like a really unhelpful Superhero.

Few things would please me more than seeking revenge on Billings, but I am stymied about what to do.  What could I do, really, that would be worse than linking his name in cyberspace forever to the phrase "anal bleaching expert"? So I guess I have no choice but to embrace Who I Am. So to potential employers, my daughters' future beaus, and others who Google me to check my reliability, character, etc...I say, Yes--hear me loud, hear me proud--I am Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton and there's not damn thing I can do about it!

(*Note: I do not actually find Stephenson Billings to be hateful. I mean, this has to be the best joke anyone has played on me, ever.)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Boxers, Briefs Or...Mangina?

My thanks to Scary Sextoy Friday for placing this image into my brain, where it will remain forever, burning slightly. I feel that it would only be fair to provide the same service to you, so to that end, I present The Mangina, aka, the Masturbator Vee-String.

What is all this business about a Mangina? Calm down now, and let's let the nice people who sell it explain the thing:

The Masturbator Vee-String Vagina Prosthesis is a latex prosthetic vagina, specifically designed to provide an ultra-realistic vaginal appearance while hiding the male genitals. This is the pussy equivalent of a strap on cock. The Masturbator Vee-String Vagina Prosthesis is designed to complete the illusion of being a woman. The penis is placed into a hole where the clitoris is, which holds the penis and keeps you in place.

Are you following the physics of all this? You kind of slide through the back, tying the thing on like an especially hairy, non-breathable g-string. The Mangina advertising prose continues (and I do so love imagining the person whose job it is to write alluring blurbs for such products):

It allows a man to have a vagina whenever he chooses to tie it on. This vagina prosthesis can be worn for hours at a time.

Hours at a time, huh? This is good news because this Mangina is so attractive and sexy, I am thinking of wearing it as regular underwear. (Being careful, of course, not to wear white pants. I would only show my Mangina to that special someone.)

Cleaning of the Mangina is pretty easy, which is a good thing, since hours of Mangina-wearing can leave it a little...not so fresh. Just some soap and water, a dusting of talcum powder and you're ready to strap that baby on again. I am a little bewildered by that latex bumhole hanging listlessly below the Mangina, but I'm sure it must have some use. At the very least it allows me the pleasure of imagining another worker--the guy whose job it is to make little latex bumholes.

Alas, such craftsmanship does not come cheap. The "small" is $249. At first I was alarmed to discover that they came in sizes. After all, a small Mangina is one thing, but a jumbo-sized Mangina is quite another. ("I want to buy a fake vagina, damn it! And make sure it's HUGE!") But the size refers merely to waist size. The extra-large fits a 50 inch waist, which says to me that, if you aren't getting laid, you are probably doing something wrong. If some dude with a 50 inch waist who also needs to wear a Mangina during sex is finding willing partners, you probably should be too. (And yes, I do realize that by saying that, I am pretty much guaranteeing that in my next life I will come back as a 50 inch-waisted, Mangina-wearing dude. I can only hope that Mangina prices go down by then.)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Beyond Anal Bleaching (Yes, There IS A Beyond)



Wrote DanWins of the anal bleaching post (Is Your Anus Looking Its Whitest?),"You have got to be kidding, what will they think of next...bleaching penises?" Well, DanWins, yes, that's exactly what they thought of next. According to Fade-Cream.com, which I am sure provides only the finest of non-biased "medical" advice:
Penis bleaching is all about hygiene and feeling good. Whitening your penis not only makes you look good in bed but it also increases your self-esteem.
That's right, DanWins, there's nothing like the feeling of walking about town, knowing your penis is light and bright! Don't mind that painful burning, it's all about "feeling good"! And you know how the ladies love an unnaturally pale penis! And a man so insecure he bleaches the hell out of his dick. Yeah, we're all over that.

The Housewife commented, "Have you heard of Betty Beauty, the hair dye for the hair down there?" Why, yes, I have. In fact, my dear friend bought some (in a festive fuschia color) as a Valentine surprise for her husband. "I'm not very hairy in my 'lady area,'" she reports. "I didn't know you have to have a bush like a Chai pet for it to work." She tried to comb the dye through her sparse foliage, but ended up getting the lurid color all over her "lady area," her thighs and, eventually, all over bathroom. Picture a crime scene, if you will, and you'll get the general idea. My friend is a plucky sort, however, and decided to go through with the grand unveiling anyway. "When my husband came home, I opened her robe and said, 'I just wanted to you to know I had the best intentions.'" Unfortunately, his reaction, perhaps understandably, was more akin to horror than arousal. "It looked like a couple of preschoolers had smeared fingerpaint all over my crotch." I guess the only way to balance the sexual karma there is for her husband to bleach his penis a scary-ass white color (and perhaps his anus while he's down there with toxic chemicals) to scare the bejeezus out of her. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty sure such a gesture would not only even the score, but provide the important element of surprise, keeping that marital spark alive. 

Monday, July 12, 2010

In Bed's Feeling Oddly Tasteful Today

Yes, it's pretty unheard of around here, but this contest does NOT involve a prize that you will have to hide in your secret "grown-ups" drawer. (Although we all know your secret drawer is the one next to the bed. You're not fooling anyone.) The Fancy Me Kit, courtesy of groovy sex toy company, Good Vibrations, is chockful of non-embarrassing stuff like bubble bath, a candle that magically turns into massage oil, a massage bar that melts on contact with skin, lovely lotions and whatnot. (To see "whatnot" defined in more useful terms, click the picture below.)



To win you must be the first to post the word, "Mine" as a comment under the most recent post on the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page.

Is the prize worth several seconds of arduous clicking, you wonder? Well, as you can see, it's a $36 value. That's two digits, my friend. And an independent reviewer on the Good Vibes site wrote, "If you're looking for a little romance and passion in your relationship, you should look no further than this fun little kit." (Note: this particular reviewer goes by the name "Muscle Squirt" and is, thus, maybe not the best source on issues of romance.)

Let's see, what else?
1. If you're paranoid about getting a package that says "HERE'S YOUR SEXY TOY DELIVERY, YOUR BIG PERV" in big red letters on it, fear not. Good Vibes mailed something to me and it was in a totally normal looking package with a vaguely British sounding return address. I could have been receiving a scone delivery for all anyone needed to know.
2. If you want to just order the thing yourself, no muss, no fuss, just click on the link above.

Friday, July 9, 2010

"How to Spot A Masturbator"

My undying gratitude goes to the reader who sent me How To Spot A Masturbator. If you look at the article--and you probably should--you will read that masturbation is "a serious issue facing families today" causing all kinds of ills from penile fracture, workplace accidents, raw and callused hands, and a tendency to leave one's shirt untucked to allow "easy access."

Or so reports ChristWire, a website offering "Conservative Values for an Unsaved World." I'm 99.7% sure it's a parody site--I mean, its other Onion-esque news stories include "Satan Now Teaching Animals To Sin"--but it so could be real. What do you think? Look at this from the article's author/masturbator-spotting expert Stephenson Billings:
Despite the warnings of doctors and religious scholars, masturbation still remains very popular in America. As a society, this degree of self-manipulation goes too far in familiarizing men and women with their bodies. 
It all certainly seems like a joke--People becoming familiar with their bodies??!! This must be stopped!!--but there really are people who believe jacking off is sinful and bad. (See previous In Bed post: If You Can't Be With The One You Love). ChristWire is brilliant in how close it echoes real-life extreme views. Check out this passage in which Billings offers parents advice on curbing a son's self-abuse.
To help turn the tide on this crisis, it’s important for parents and work supervisors to be able to spot a chronic or even just a casual masturbator in their midst...One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.” If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear.
There are just so many things wrong with this advice--not the least of which is that no one in their right mind should EVER press their nose to a teen boy's mattress and inhale deeply--but haven't you read parenting advice that's just as wrong-headed? Is this any more stupid than "experts" that purport to turn gay people straight?

ChristWire is so spot-on, it had me fooled for an embarrassingly long time. And, honestly, I was kind of bummed when it finally dawned on me that it was satirical. Still, if you want some hideously misguided advice on topics such as Do Gay Pets Go To Heaven?, I'd recommend you head to ChristWire straight away. 

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Is Your Anus Looking Its Whitest?

Driving home the other night with friends, the conversation somehow turned to anal bleaching. (That the conversation could suddenly veer in this unsavory direction is exactly why we are friends.) Apparently society at large--without consulting me, mind you--has decided that anuses (ani?) are to look as lovely as possible. What supposedly makes for a good-lookin' anus? A light pink color. The trend started with adult film stars who wanted to look their best in extreme butt close-ups. It gained ground when people started waxing the hell out their neither regions and discovered new body parts to fixate upon. Plenty of people, it seems, have the time (and the inclination) to peer into their butts noting imperfections. "Hey, Hon, what are you doing in the bathroom?" "Be out in a sec! Just looking at my anus! By the way, Sweetie, does this underwear make my anus look fat?" 


Those who don't have the proper shade of pink can achieve colo-rectal perfection through anal bleaching. According to Bleach Bum, a site for "anal bleaching information and advice," "Anal bleaching is one more way holly wood celebrities try to stay younger." I am not that eager to take anal bleaching advice from anyone, particularly from someone who can't spell Hollywood, but I bravely clicked on. Basically they recommend two techniques: talking to a dermatologist about a bleaching cream, or way way less embarrassing, buying an over-the-counter bleaching product. But it was their third suggestion that concerned me the most. To wit:
3. You can prevent anal staining by being cautious in the bathroom. We suggest using a moist wipe after every bowel movement. This will ensure that the area remains clean and stain free.
Yes, they are telling you to wipe your butt after going to the bathroom. I guess it stands to reason that leaving poo on your butt would cause a stained appearance, but to be quite frank, that would be the least of your worries.

Anyway, we came up with a fine entrepreneurial idea, which you are quite welcome to steal. Anal bleaching strips. Like tooth whitening strips, you could wear them while at work, at play, out to dinner, whenever! Here, I'll even write the ad for you. The scene: two women talking on the phone. "Hey Barb, could you watch my kids while I get my anus bleached?" "Kathy, get with the times! I'm folding the laundry AND bleaching my anus in the comfort of my home! My anus is as pink as a new lipstick. And, Jim, by the way, is thrilled. He can't stop bragging to the fellows at the office about my light and bright anus!"


The price of anal beauty is a bit steep, as there have been various dangers associated with skin lightening, including skin cancer and liver and kidney damage. So you have to balance the variables. Is a foxy-looking anus worth getting a hideous disease? Should everyone's butt look the same? Do you agree that it is indeed a good idea to wipe after going to the bathroom? Do tell.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A Moment of Immaturity In Your Day

A reader sent in this video from Jimmy Kimmel's "Unnecessary Censorship," in which Kimmel takes perfectly benign TV clips and bleeps out a few words, instantly giving them a new R-rated subtext. (Apparently he has been doing this for years but I was none the wiser since I haven't stayed up that late since about 1996.) This version features clips from "Sesame Street," and after seeing this, I now view Elmo in a whole new light.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Reader Mail (The Undead Version)

Do you love Twilight? I mean, really really really love Twilight? I mean, love it so much that if you could sort of have sex with the movie, you totally would? Well, my friend, you are in luck! A kindly reader from California (using a variant on the standard reader mail introduction of "saw this weird-ass sexual thing and thought of you!") drew my attention to The Ten Most Baffling Twilight Products on Salon.com. Included are "Twilight" condoms, a gay porn film "Twinklight" and an Edward "manllow", which is half man/half pillow. Click "read more" below if you want to, uh, read more.

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