Thursday, July 1, 2010

Reader Mail (The Undead Version)

Do you love Twilight? I mean, really really really love Twilight? I mean, love it so much that if you could sort of have sex with the movie, you totally would? Well, my friend, you are in luck! A kindly reader from California (using a variant on the standard reader mail introduction of "saw this weird-ass sexual thing and thought of you!") drew my attention to The Ten Most Baffling Twilight Products on Included are "Twilight" condoms, a gay porn film "Twinklight" and an Edward "manllow", which is half man/half pillow. Click "read more" below if you want to, uh, read more.

Writes Christine Mathias about this scary mutant mannlow thing:
Sporting a badly silk-screened image of Robert Pattinson (maybe) and lumpy poly-filled arms, the manllow promises to hold you when you're blue and never try to get past third base. It can't. It doesn't have fingers, or a groin. With some jury-rigging and a "Twilight" vibrator, though ...
The Edward manllow also handily serves another purpose:  keeping all actual, i.e. non-manllow, boyfriends far far away from your bed. But what was this about a Twilight vibrator, you ask? Oh yes. Behold the object at right, which is not from the new line of IKEA wall hooks, but the aforementioned Twilight vibrator. Writes Mathias:

One reviewer of the Tantus Niagara Twilight Vibrator recommended using it cold, so it feels "like a vampire." Another reviewer said she could only like this sex toy more "if it actually came attached to Edward." Alas, the Twilight vibe neither sparkles in the sun nor crushes rock with its innate hardness. It cannot turn into a wolf or see the future. Cough up almost $80, though, and you can figure that out for yourself. Another of the selling points: "not tacky." Arguable.

And FYI, if you're looking for some ice-cold Twilight lovin', you're going to have to wait because the vibrator, inexplicably, is sold out. Meaning right now, there are probably folks who are--right this very second--making sweet sweet love to their disembodied Edward penis. (A side thought: people having sex

with silicon versions of your body parts is probably what people are referring to when they talk about "the down side of fame.")

Anyway, here's where I must confess my hideously embarrassing secret: I don't find "Twilight," werewolves, vampires, dead people, etc... to be sexy. So I turn to you, dear "Twilight" fan. Am I woefully misguided and these items are smokin' hot? Or not so much? Do tell.

P.S. All through the typing of this, my spellcheck keeps insisting that mannlow is misspelled. Or maybe it is just spellcheck begging me, in the only way it knows how, to stop--for godsakes, stop--talking about the damn mannlows. Oh, fine, spellcheck. You win again. This time.


The Housewife said...

Um, hi. I'm a self confessed Twihard. And I'm in my twenties. Should I hang my head in shame now? And no, I do not find vampires and werewolves sexy. It's the childhood idea of perfect first love that I think most women like. What you thought love would be like when you were 7.

No sane woman would buy the super hideous manllow. And about a year ago, someone came out with a dildo that retained hot or cold temperatures (you know, cause the vamp is ice cold and all), and it sparkled (yes, the vamp sparkles). It was dubbed the 'Sparklepeen' by sarcastic Twilight fans. NOW, I will go hang my head in shame and embarrassment.

Max Evel said...

Happy 4th !