Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Beyond Anal Bleaching (Yes, There IS A Beyond)

Wrote DanWins of the anal bleaching post (Is Your Anus Looking Its Whitest?),"You have got to be kidding, what will they think of next...bleaching penises?" Well, DanWins, yes, that's exactly what they thought of next. According to Fade-Cream.com, which I am sure provides only the finest of non-biased "medical" advice:
Penis bleaching is all about hygiene and feeling good. Whitening your penis not only makes you look good in bed but it also increases your self-esteem.
That's right, DanWins, there's nothing like the feeling of walking about town, knowing your penis is light and bright! Don't mind that painful burning, it's all about "feeling good"! And you know how the ladies love an unnaturally pale penis! And a man so insecure he bleaches the hell out of his dick. Yeah, we're all over that.

The Housewife commented, "Have you heard of Betty Beauty, the hair dye for the hair down there?" Why, yes, I have. In fact, my dear friend bought some (in a festive fuschia color) as a Valentine surprise for her husband. "I'm not very hairy in my 'lady area,'" she reports. "I didn't know you have to have a bush like a Chai pet for it to work." She tried to comb the dye through her sparse foliage, but ended up getting the lurid color all over her "lady area," her thighs and, eventually, all over bathroom. Picture a crime scene, if you will, and you'll get the general idea. My friend is a plucky sort, however, and decided to go through with the grand unveiling anyway. "When my husband came home, I opened her robe and said, 'I just wanted to you to know I had the best intentions.'" Unfortunately, his reaction, perhaps understandably, was more akin to horror than arousal. "It looked like a couple of preschoolers had smeared fingerpaint all over my crotch." I guess the only way to balance the sexual karma there is for her husband to bleach his penis a scary-ass white color (and perhaps his anus while he's down there with toxic chemicals) to scare the bejeezus out of her. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty sure such a gesture would not only even the score, but provide the important element of surprise, keeping that marital spark alive. 


DanWins said...

No, No and No

Sorry, they can keep all of their kind chemicals for bleaching and whitening. Keep them I say.... A simple bar of soap and a shower or tub so that I can keep myself and me privates clean is all I ask.

Keep that crap I say..... Keep It!

The Housewife said...

What? Why? Why is being your own flesh tone not ok? I wouldn't let a bleached penis near me. Ugh..

Jill Hamilton said...

Not to over-intellectualize sex or anything but what is odd to me about the whole penis bleaching thing is that it seems to go against biological sexual signals. I mean, if someone is aroused by you, an obvious signal would be a penis engorged with blood, i.e. a penis of a deeper, richer color. A pallid penis (not a good name for a band, btw) would seem to indicate lack of arousal and/or lack of health--that is, not suitable mate material.

fizzee rascal said...

Whitening teeth - OK
Whitening anus - If you must
Whitening penis - It's fine the colour it is, thanks.

Anonymous said...

I think some guys are bleaching their junk because it is darker than the rest of their body and they feel self-conscious about it. Maybe their girlfriend or a one night stand made a comment and now they are insecure.

Doc Johnson said...

Uh, that's gonna be a big NO GO on the penis bleaching. Was this product invented for the late Michael Jackson?

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