Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Guest Wanker Contest Winner + Egregious Sex Toy Gender Inequality

"Delilah! I didn't expect you home so early!"
"I wanna be a Guest Wanker!" wrote CkretsGalore, a Canadian chick who does not mince her words, and winner of the Tenga Egg Masturbation Sleeves* from Good Vibrations.  As Guest Wanker (translation for our U.K. readers: "Guest Wank-ah") CkretsGalore's duties include trying these space-age sex toy sleeve things out and reporting back to us with the details. (The sleeves, it should be noted, are to be used on a penis--either your own, or a local penis. They are ribbed in various absurdly intricate patterns for His Pleasure.) P.S. For those readers who are both highly moralistic and into reading about pervy sex toys, please note that Miss Ckrets will be using the sleeves on her fiancee, so fear not, they will follow their Sin with the sanctity of marriage.

In her contest entry, Ckrets, who writes Kick Her Right In The Habit, a blog about "smoking cessations, dreams and random shit," unwittingly leads us right into our Important Point of the Day:
We have purchased a few different [sex toys designed for men] without positive results. We have found plenty of things that work fantastically for my vajayjay but not for him.
YES, this is the aforementioned egregious sex toy gender inequality. Any woman who's ever tried a vibrating toy knows that it's like--cue the choir of singing angels**--well, amazing. If you do not possess female parts, or are still waiting for them to come in from the factory, sex toys for women are like MSG for your loins--all the sensations are enhanced and super-charged. Or, if a Fast & Furious reference is more up your alley: it's like nitro for your naughty bits.

From what I've heard anecdotally (you know, hanging out on the street corner with knicker-clad older kids playing Mumblety-peg for nickels), there is not the same sort of universal love for the male sex toys. Some men like them, others think "eh," and others find them somehow unsavory and won't even try them. Actually, a lot of men seem almost spooked by them--at least according to what their wives tell me. (FYI: Oh, that's right, we talk. Your wife's friends know everything. Yes. Every. Thing.) So what's up with the sex toy hatin'? Well, I dunno. My friend's husband offered this theory, after I accosted him with questions about male sex toys (yes, I am delightful at dinner parties!): "Men aren't supposed to need anything extra," he replied, backing away slowly.

Damned if he isn't right. When women use sex toys, it's all yay, female-empowerment, owning your sexuality, la la la, but when men use them, there's still a shred of shame. The bias is obvious even here at sex blog central. When I offered the Tenga up as a prize in this contest, instead of entering publicly via the comment section, the entrants surreptitiously slipped me emails, as though trying to purchase illegal fireworks or something. And as much as I try to be open-minded, I'm as bad as anyone. I wouldn't dream of mocking a woman for using a vibrator--even if the vibrator was decorated with Hello Kitty stickers, shot off sparks, and played "Too Legit To Quit," every hour on the hour. But I had no problem writing an entire post dedicated to making fun of a particular Fleshlight masturbator (although in my defense, the masturbator's color*** was listed as "anus.")

So, your questions for the day:
--Have you had experience with sex toys specifically for men? Found anything good?
--Are you one of those dudes spooked by sex toys? If so, what is it about them?
--My answer to why sex toys don't work as well for men was, as I recall, "dunno." Surely you have something more enlightening to say on the matter. C'mon, go all doctoral dissertation on my ass. I love that intellectual #%$.

*If you're feeling daring, get some of them Tenga things for yourself or someone you love by clicking this link:

**In the first draft of this, I wrote, "cue the choir of singing angles" which is also pleasing in a Sesame Street, After Hours, kind of way.
*** Note to Canadian contest winner Ckrets: that would be spelled "colour," though it still doesn't change the fact that "anus" is so not a color, or colour. (Full disclosure: I have not actually looked at Canadian Crayolas lately but I'm almost positive that "anus" is not among the choices.)


Anonymous said...

I find it amusing that my man enjoys me using a vibrator on myself whilst in the middle of sex, but when I read your post to him about the Tengas...his response was a resounding "HELL NO. Don't even think about asking me to try one of those. I won't fuck an egg."


Though, on a personal note, it's so easy for guys to orgasm anyway...I'm jealous and therefore they don't need a way to make it easier. =P

CkretsGalore said...

First of all, I want a vibrator that plays "Too Legit to Quit."

That is Boss M'Lady.

Second of all, thank you for the spelling correction. Canadian Crayolas do not have the colour "anus." If they did, I would be all over that.
Everything in my colouring books (yes I own them..shhh) would be one colour. My pages would be drowning in anus.

Enid Wilson said...

Very interesting viewpoint. I've no comment on male sex toys at the moment but I've written a sexy short story of a male industrial designer designing vibrators for women. Hmm, perhaps it's time to write a steamy story of a female designer inventing sex toys for men.

My Darcy Mutates

DeliaDelish said...

Well, behind all the shame probably lies some bizarre memory of the time he tried to fuck a...when he was a horny young virgin. Here are some examples:

1. a vacuum cleaner (real guy)
2. a hot tub jet (real guy)
3. okay, we all know about "American Pie"
4. a large raw cut of meat (foreign film)
5. a cat (same foreign film - help me out here)
6. my g-friend's feet, without warning (real guy)

I thought I had more. Perhaps someone can add to this list. The point is, when they're virgins they'll try anything. So maybe there is a faint element of shame mixed with the pride of no longer being a virgin.

sex toys said...

Beautiful painting! In emergency situations, vibrators works well...

Jill Hamilton said...

Sam--Yes! I think your theory may well be true. Now I'm wondering if vibe-assisted sex for women is like how sex is just normally for a man?

Ckrets--I discovered upon mailing your prize to Canada that because of customs, one must declare what is in the package. I didn't feel like saying "Masturbation sleeves!" so I just put "toys." Which I guess is true.

Enid--Is your story online? Sounds good.

DeliaDelish--Oooh, you're getting graduate program on me. Love it.

deeman said...

Back in the '60s the suggestion was lube up a banana skin and use that as a fake vagina. I tried it. Messy. Didn't satisfy. I've tried other devices over the years but nothing beats a bit of lube and a bare hand. All the devices cost money and do little. The best device of all is the brain, imagination--but then that's true of all sex. Well, really, the best thing is an actual vagina or a warm mouth, but we're talking alternatives here.

My mother caught me masturbating when I was about ten. Oh, you should hear the lies she told me: the foreskin would grow together over the head of my penis and I would have to have an operation that would essentially remove my penis and I would be an outcast forever from decent society (not a bad idea, that). And she would have to put a wire cage over my penis if I didn't stop. And, oh yes, God sees everything and would strike me dead.

She was a nurse. She wouldn't lie to me, would she?

I didn't stop, but I looked up at the sky now and then to see if anyone was watching.

I've wanked a lot since then. I consider it a healthy and very pleasurable experience, good for me and for my wife, as it has taught me a lot about using my penis in useful ways for both of us. But I have never found a device that works as well as my hand. Devices don't have sensory feedback, hands do. Artificial penises may work well for women (my wife says they don't feel anything like a real penis), but that's for women to decide. Artificial vaginas? Are you kidding me?

And by the way, I wonder if many married women have rolled over in bed at 4 in the morning and almost broken off their penis. Not many, I suppose. And this is another subject, maybe for In Bed with Married Men, but it is amazing how a penis that won't stand up straight at 11 p.m. is a damn log at 4 a.m. Sometimes masturbation is the only thing that will get me back to sleep (or keep me up the rest of the night--yeah, intended).

Dave said...

I was nodding my head in agreement as I read your post. I'm all for my wife using toys for pleasure; by herself or (preferably) with me. But when I mentioned that I was considering buying a Fleshlight to see me through a month long separation, she was horrified. "That's kind of gross" were her exact words.

I ended up buying it anyway and my trial run has left me underwhelmed. The sensation, while nice, is far short of "life like" or "realistic". Despite following directions (warming the sleeve in water & plenty of lube) I was never NOT aware that I was deep inside a bit of plastic. Also, the maker's attempt to craft a cute vagina resulted in something resembling a child rather than a real woman (with all of the slightly asymmetrical details that make them so wonderful)

I reserve the right to change my mind upon further use but for now, I'm not too impressed with male sex toys.

And for the women who are jealous of us men for being able to orgasm so easily, I'd say that I'm jealous of some women's ability to have multiple orgasms. If offered, I think I'd at least consider a trade of ease for quantity.