Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm A Prude, I'm Encouraging the Spread of HIV in South Africa and Other Reader Comments

Let's reach into the mailbag and--ouch!--there are some pokey ones in there this week.

Emmanence, a reader from South Africa, had this to say about How To Behave in the Presence of a Female Condom:
I laughed out loud and then it made me sad. Not that the whole 'women's empowerment through access to female condom' thing isn't riddled with its own problems, but really, that we can be so disgusted by the one barrier method that doesn't rely on anyone else to use it, and actively discourage people from even trying? I'm writing from South Africa, highest rate of HIV infection in the world, lots of issues with women even being able to talk to men about sex, or even have control over where, when & how. There's some evidence that some women manage to use it in a way that hides it from their partners so they don't even have to get into this discussion...
Point taken, Emmanence. I'm not sure how many South African women consult In Bed With Married Women when making Important Sexual Decisions, but just in case:  ATTENTION women of South Africa (and elsewhere)!: Although female condoms, like nearly all forms of contraception (and sex itself, for that matter), are both awkward and humorous, if some dude is trying get on you and you're not in the mood to get pregnant or infected with HIV, by all means, USE A FEMALE CONDOM.  Use two or three of them, if you want.  Put 'em in all your orifices. Better safe than sorry, I say. Meanwhile, here in the States, I will be contemplating the physics of hiding an external rubbery tube from my partner.

Meanwhile, Kiki is all irate because of the post on furries.
DAMN, those furries are weird! Right. Because, no one EVER has sex in a costume at a Star Trek convention, or after a Halloween party. You're a prude!
Although I took great pains in the post to note that people can do whatever they want, it's all good, etc... after careful consideration, I have decided that I am indeed a furry prude. If some giant bobble-headed googly-eyed Chipmunk came up to me and said (chirped?) "Hey, suck the matted fur on my erect Chipmunk penis. C'mon, honey, don't be such a prude," I would have to decline. Even if, he (or she) promised to lift his (or her) specially built-in groinal flap to reveal the glories beneath. I feel somewhat ashamed of this prudery, but there it is. (Attention Google: please add "furry prude" to "Jill Hamilton" searches to go with my name's current designation as "anal bleaching expert.")

It wasn't all hatin' around here this week. There was an uptick in people clicking on the blog's pay-per-click Google ads (sending fives of dollars my way--sweet!), someone used the Amazon search box and actually bought something, and as usual, you came through with a host of witty, smart, thought-provoking comments. ValVan, for instance, urged his fellow men to consider "the long game" with regards to the back-rub-as-stealth-route-to-sex technique. Men, heed his words, as they hold great wisdom.

And Anonymous' comment on "That Doesn't Turn Me On" by The Housewife Blogger made me realize how damn nitpicky we women are when it comes to sex. Like Seinfeld and the man hands, we can get turned off by anything from a surprise butt thwacking with a penis to "vacuum-like head" to a mid-sex "Hoo Boy" exclamation. Wrote Anonymous:
The Mars/Venus problem here is that most men don't need to be "turned on." They turn on automatically. A lot of women get frustrated when guys equate sex and food, but to us, they really are quite similar. Horniness comes on naturally, like hunger. And also like hunger, it's an urgent need that we don't like putting off until later. We don't need to be inspired into it. We don't need you to talk dirty about steaks and pasta, or dress up a hamburger in a sexy bun, or sprinkle cake crumbs around the kitchen in an appetizing pattern. When our stomachs rumble, we want to eat. When our dicks get hard, we want to fool around. 
Besides the delightful image of dirty talk about steaks and pasta (Oh, you just wait, I am going to roll you around my fork. Slowly. Until you think you can't take it anymore. Then, with increasing urgency, I'm going to...) Uh...sorry, I, uh, was writing a sentence or something? Oh yeah, this: This brings up a question: Men, at the very real risk of sounding like a Playboy, circa 1978, what are your turn-offs anyway? Is there nothing so heinous it dampers your ardor, or is this just a dumb stereotype? I honestly don't know. I've asked one dude so far, who told me about having sex with a goth chick who suddenly bit his neck, drawing blood. But I kind of think he wasn't turned off so much as bragging about it.

And finally I'll leave with this quote by, well, I'm just going to let you look that one up yourself.
 “Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.”
Okay, go on now. Oh, and I do apologize for the image that will pop into your head once you look up who said it.

(image source: http://wickedknickers.tumblr.com/post/3475685092/vintage-nude-erotica-boxing-1940s-naked-woman)


Unknown said...

The morning quote is fantastic. Just this morning, I tried to initiate something and got rejected.

"But... I have MORNING BREATH!"

I really don't care.

"Wait a second, let me brush my teeth and I'll be RIGHT BACK..."


2 minutes later, it's "I'm hungry, are you hungry? Let's go out for breakfast."


CkretsGalore said...

I quite enjoy that last quote as well. The thing is that I am one of those uncommon women (I suppose) that love morning sex. Generally it's me who initiates. What a better way to start your day? It's that or I get myself off in the shower.
It's all about those happy endorphins.

Oh and I hear ya on the Furry Prude thing. Right there with you.

Unknown said...

Ah ha ha ha! I would *kill* to see the furry you offended!

And as for the HIV crisis, I definitely hold you responsible.

Grr. Why do we allow the hate mail to dig so deep??

Anonymous said...

The penis-butt-thwacking thing is going to haunt me, isn't it? Oh well. I might as well tell you that no matter how impressive the organ (and his was of goodly proportions), once it is thwacking a woman on the arse it is no longer desirable. It is just a silly tailythwacker that has lost it's appeal.

The Barreness said...

Oh I do love a good batch of hate mail.

Do you get the Jesus freaks who insist that yor very existence offends "the Lord" and that you're destined for a fiery, Spaniard-less eternity?

Maybe it's just me.

Also, Andy Rooney?

I-I got nothin.

- B x

Jill Hamilton said...

Lost.in.Idaho, I am sorry to inform you, but I think you were played. Grr is right.

Ckrets, together in Furry Prude Pride! Or something.

Tricia, me too, imagine the giant squirrel angrily typing away at their computer, seething with fury over my apparent lack of desire. "i showed her my cute button nose??? and still nothing?!"

betty, i'm sorry i'm kind of obsessed with your butt thwacking incident. allow my children to explain:
my 9 year old: why do we think butts are funny?
my 11 year old: because they're BUTTS.

And B, ah, someone intellectually curious enough to look it up! i do apologize that you were rewarded with such bitter knowledge.

Anonymous said...

Jill I think you blew the HIV one out of proportion. I don't think he was castigating you or anything. It probably just made him sad to see women have such opinions and take their liberty for granted. No accusations, allegations, assumptions as to what you actually promote on your site. Besides, I can see where he's coming from. Little opinions do matter, especially since a lot of people around the world (despite their denial or subtleties) are controlled by US pop culture. He probably felt dismayed that the popular opinion on the US might have a negative impact over there. It's not hate mail!

The furry prude one was just hilarious. What the hell. I never even once thought you were discriminating against or anything like that. You make fun of everything Jill, and it's a nice sense of humor to have.

Anonymous said...

While I may or may not used to/do/will have sex in costume (I'm not telling), I reserve the right to make fun of people who dress in costumes weirder than my (hypothetical) costumes.

Ed said...

Yes, there are two things that turn men off:

1) A lack of enthusiasm on the part of our partner. It's ok if things take a bit of "warming up", that's expected. But if having invested in said warming up you're still at "meh, do whatever you want, I don't mind, really", then that puts a serious damper on things.

2) Ron Jeremy.

This is the complete list.

Anonymous said...

Hey, just letting you know my lube came today! It was so awkward trying to explain to my parents why I was expecting a package despite the fact that I am financially unable to buy anything for myself

Anonymous said...

Have to admit it, but Ed is totally correct. That is, "Meh, do what you want...just get it over with" is a real buzz-kill.

And the sad truth is that we're horny when we wake, but if we make that trot to the bathroom and drain the bladder, the desire deflates almost as quickly.

Fitzlurker said...

Hello Jill, found this via a post you'd made on Dan Savage's blog... Love what you do! Will be coming back for more...
And I have to agree with earlier posts: The "just do it already" attitude sucks the life right out of the encounter for me...

Anonymous said...

I'm late to the party, but I found you on Savage Love and I am reading all of your older posts. You're fantastic! But I just have to say ... Andy Rooney? *shivers*

in bed with married women said...

Welcome Keppie, and thanks!

not exactly "Saint" Michael said...

Hmmm well you did ask. There's been a few times I just couldn't perform and was turned off. On occasion it was a lack of connection. She was a douchebag plain and simple and it made it hard after the first go at it to have sex at all. I didn't like her. Plenty I was just bored. She was a rarity and happened out of desperation... when I was young and stupid (totally not 2 months ago, like years ago... or however long it has to be for me to say young and stupid).

Also... and be FOREWARNED, this is pretty gross... like could cause you to throw up gross even if you have a constitution that lifts weights.

So, me and douchebag girl are getting frisky and it's actually ending up being fun. She liked it doggy style so we switched up. As I was back there, what's in my view? Her butt, which despite being douchey is usually pretty awesome looking. Today, not so much. LAST CHANCE TO TURN BACK NOW.

Apparently she lacks a certain kind of coordination and failed at wiping from her last bathroom exploit. Yes, that's right there was a remnant of poo in her butt crack that.. guess what-is really hard not to look at! It was a fairly sizeable remnant and it smelled horrid! What's the etiquette there? "I'm sorry maam, it seems you have an issue, just... umm get away from me and don't sit on my bed." How do you be polite here? NO screw that! How does this happen at all? What was the matter with her to put me in this situation? She wasn't a bigger lady or anything (I know what you're thinking cuz that's what my friends assumed). How does this happen?

As it was I attempted to continue and was working out how to gracefully not have her sit anywhere in my house when my dick decided it was done too and refused to enter any longer. I guess she assumed I was embarrassed about the failed sex and left.

So... 2 instances of either being vehemently turned off or just bored-as I hear is the complaint with many women folk. Of the two boredom is more common particularly when my standards are low like when I've been a bit lonely a bit too long. Guys gets standards and never compromise on them-just be open to how important those standards are! Women... learn to wipe? Or shower? Or... I don't even know.