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I have been married for 35 years and I have seen my wife have four orgasms in that time. The first one was on our 25th anniversary vacation. She says she has very little desire for sex. But we make love once or twice a week and she says she enjoys it to a degree (the touching, skin-on-skin, closeness, cuddling, etc.).
We have had ups and downs in the relationship but overall do pretty well together. We have seen counselors to keep the relationship healthy and we have talked about her lack of desire and lack of orgasms. The conclusion is that she just has a low libido and is “wired” with a low sex drive. That’s just how she is, physically and personality-wise, so I am trying to accept that (as one might accept a physical disability in a partner).
Still, there are some paths we have not explored thoroughly. To get to the point, what is a "normal" clitoris? I know where it is supposed to be, but will an aroused woman have a little button or bump or something external that a man can feel there (with finger or tongue or whatever)? Because I have never felt anything more than a slight swelling at the top of my wife's genitals. I suspect that may a contributor to her lack of responsiveness.
I have only been intimate with my wife, so I have nothing to use as a comparison. But when I read erotica: “He rolled my swollen clit between his fingers” or self help books (Satisfaction, K. Cattrall & M. Levinson): “The clitoris responds quickly when his tongue draws circles on its surface.”
Surface? Circles? Swollen? Sounds like their should be a little button or nub or something. In all my years of going down there, there is nothing “sticking out” or swollen or anything but concave cleft between her labia minor. My wife says she can feel her clit, but I certainly cannot. I have heard there are medical conditions where the clit never "descends" or stays under the clitoral hood. She could have a general sensation there but nothing I can detect externally. How common is that?
She is also very sensitive in that area. When I rub it to try to stimulate her, after a minute or so, she pushes me away, complaining I am “rubbing her raw,” even if we are using a lot of lubricant. I have talked to her about this over the years, and although I try to be very gentle about it, it's a difficult subject to discuss, as she takes it as me criticizing her, or saying something is wrong with her. Well, four orgasms in 35 years, it sounds like something is not right. But she says she has asked her OBGYN and she says she's "normal" physically.
I just wonder if this could be related to her difficulty in enjoying sex.
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Dr.
Andrea: First of all, thank you for asking! It shows you are willing
to find new information to be more aware of what's going on and try
to change a situation that isn't as fulfilling as it could be. Kudos.
I
have to say I have several questions before I answer as best I can
with limited information- it's odd to do it over the internet and not
in person so I can see the expressions/body language/energy of both
people.
That
said, here is my response:
It's
probably not her anatomy. Everyone's clitoris is different- and the
thing is, it's a tiny area with a fantastically dense amount of nerve
endings, and since she's 'super sensitive in that area,' you have
noticed 'swelling,' and there's no history of female circumcision
(RIGHT?!?), she's likely perfect. Most don't actually 'pop out.' It's
not a penis, and there's a reason it was so 'mysterious' for much of
western medical history (cultural patriarchal issues aside for the
moment). When did you start trying to find her clitoris? Atrophy does
occur in women as they age, and the entire area can flatten and thin
out, especially if sex is infrequent (or unsatisfying- the positive
hormonal and anatomical response is important in keeping the tissue
functioning), so the anatomy may have changed slightly since you
married. Is she peri- during- or post-menopausal? Changing hormonal
balance could also affect her perception, lubrication, enjoyment, and
communication, depending on how it's going for her.
Point
two about anatomy- the female body has about a billion potential
erogenous zones. Let that sink in. Think about a billion. Yes, the
clitoris is a magical thing. But imagine this: take all the nerve
endings in your penis, all of them, and shrink the physical size of
skin area down to smaller than your pinky finger tip, then
poke/prod/itch/tap/lick only that tiny area for more than a second or
two = overwhelm and irritation = forget it. Especially if it's never
been successful before. Not fun so much.
