Sunday, December 20, 2020

I Want to Sex You Up

In your FACE, #101

Hello friend,  Re-upping 'cause I got some new stuff that you might need to fuck.--1/2/21

Let's see.  In Bed With Married Women, despite my near complete lack of posting has been named one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2020* (again! yes, true!)  I don't know if this is because it's no longer 2010 and nobody blogs anymore or what, but I'm bloody well gonna take it because fuck you, 2020

Anyway, I know you don't come here just for super out-of-date title references to horrible pop groups from the 1990s and the occasional post where I actually try to do a good job, but also for the fabulous sex toys I frequently toss your way, like a common Mr. Monopoly, but one who is tossing sex toys...like in a parade...for some reason...never mind.

Anyway today, my friend, you get two out of three of those things because 

1. BAM! Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You U, 1991. Do not google. It is really bad, as well as badd.

2.  I have some sex toys that I've been sent by nice sex toy companies but, due to everyone in my family being around every fucking second of my goddamed life, I am unable to properly use/fuck/smear recklessly over my body.

That's where you come in, gentle reader.  

I'm gonna list what I've got. If something strikes your fancy, or whatever you're calling it these days, drop me a line (jillhamilton001@gmail.com) and I will put it in a box and send it to your doorstep. To your door, I say! You can even pick a few if you want and fill a box. (Don't be too greedy though and pick like 20 things. I hate that. One time I had a garage sale and told a customer they could pay what they wanted. They took a shit ton of stuff and gave me a nickel. Yes, I didn't want any of the stuff AND I did say to pay what they wanted, but still.)

Here's what you do.  

1. Email me which toy(s) you wish to fuck.

2.  Pay for shipping.  I wish so hard that I could just send it you, but I write a free blog. Please add an extra donation/tip to validate my existence/make up for me dragging my ass to the crowded post office during COVID for you. If you give me a nickel, I will come to your house and punch you. I'm not even joking.

3.  My Paypal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com. (Keep handy for when you're drunk and feeling spendy.)

That's it! Here's what I gots left. As things go, I'll strike them out.  

Candy Cane Massager, a waterproof vibrator, but, like, Christmasy

Ripple Silicone Vibrator, looks kinda like a manta ray! (a sexy one)

Adam's Warming Rotating Power Boost Dildo, mama's trying not to keep him for herself bc...damn. I mean, LOOK AT HIM

I do hope the rest of Adam is okay.

Bondage tape, cause someone's in big trouble

Adam's Triple Prostate Probe, in case you come across aliens, or just desire some recreational probery

Lovelife Explore, good lookin' butt plug

All Star Enhancer Ring, stretchy cock ring for both cock n' balls.

Purple Heart Butt Plug, which, to be honest, isn't the greatest name

Good Head Fundamentals, The Ultimate Oral Sex, an oral sex kit including a stroker, "oral delight gel" and such.

Shake Your Ass Vibrating Butt Plug, 10 functions, probably most of them involving vibrating in your butt

Joy Stick Recharageable Wand, a long double-headed number that could go in any number of orifices. 

Bondage Kit, with blindfold, satin pasties, silky rope, cuffs and flogger.

Kama Sutra Playing Cards

Silicone lube, vibrator lube, Big-ass bottle of water-based lube, watermelon flavored lube, masturbator lube, some extra large Elite Skyn Condoms, wipes, a Pleasure Feather Tickler, a small guide to BDSM, and, oh yeah, so much more luuuuuuube including Wicked Hybrid Jelle, Simply Aqua Jelle, Simply Hybrid, and a ton of other lube that I've grown too lazy to link.  If y'all don't take it, I'm gonna have one hell of a slide n' slide, I suppose.  

If you want to just buy something straight from the companies and leave me out of it, click on the link and IBWMW gets a wee cut.

So that's it. LMK. I won't tell.

xoxo

jill

*One side effect of being named a Sex Blogging Superhero is that you get offers from random companies. OnlyFans, for example, suggested I could make "millions" through them. "One example of a successful use for you may be for you to show behind the scenes footage of your life to your paying fans on OnlyFans as a perk," they wrote, quite optimistically.  I shall assess the market for viewing the behind the scenes footage of a 55 year old woman who is doomscrolling, writing crap articles for cash or hiding in the bathroom every few days for a joyless, hurried wank. 

--Update, later:  my family members are all delightful. Honestly. But sometimes lock down feels a tad No Exit.

4 comments:

foxwood said...

this blog remains my favorite! and not just 'cause TOYZZZZ!!! 😂😂😂

Julian said...

So sorry to hear your doubts about the behind the scenes version of your life. Perhaps when the pandemic is behind us and your family is not around 24 hours a day...

Or never mind your life, just sit in bed and interview other married women, any age, and there's nothing wrong with 55. Any topic, as long as it's got to do with sex. It could be by Zoom, or in person.

This way it really would be *in bed* with married women. Ha ha. Millions? Dunno. Maybe a few bucks though.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations!

arpita said...

After copyediting 15 pages of utter science crap, I found your blog. Such a delight!!

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