Thursday, December 17, 2020

Santa Fetish, Big-Ass Labia, and Ancient Sex Advice

I have a Very Special gift for you both.

I was looking though the Amazon list of stuff y'all weirdos bought and someone ordered a copy of  "Snowballin': I Fucked Frosty" a book whose title is its own spoiler. This snowballed (sans fuckery, alas) into me trudging around through the ancient backwaters of the blog. It's weird to read myself of the past, maybe it will be for you too. I do hope that this post marked my personal max for using the word "clit," a word I fervently wish had an alternative.

 Anyway, step into my time machine with me into 2012. Might want to wear a helmet. There are a lot of loose clits flying about. (And PS, it gets pretty fucking gross in here today.) 


Random detritus from the IBWMW inbox.

--That is Some Good Lookin' Labia

Caitlin Grace, a Wellbeing Coach in New Zealand, sent in this documentary called The Perfect Vagina, about chicks getting plastic surgery on their "fannies," as they call them overseas. As you may recall, I am against the cutting of one's sexual organs--up to and including fannies--in order to look like all of the other Sneetches, and this vid let me stay comfortably within my cozy worldview.

Go have a look if you'd like--it's free. A caveat: cover your eyes during the highly graphic surgery scene. Slabs of skin cut off! Slabs! Which not only burned a permanent discomforting image into my brain, but also led to the following Unproductive Thought Spiral (which seems to be happening more frequently now that I've had to switch from expensive "name brand" Lexapro to a generic made in a foreign land and sold at Costco for $6.99.)

To wit:
1. Became concerned with how said vag slabs are disposed of. You can't just toss 'em in the trash, right? Compost pile? Surely it's not e-waste. Which reminded me of...
2. The Mystery of the Possibly Missing Clit and  @jeannehospod's snarky Twitter answer: "check jeans pocket" which gave me the unsettling image of a linty clit in a jeans pocket. Making it even worse, she continued, "Cleaning the lint catcher on the dryer should prevent that. 'Oh there's a dime, foil gum wrapper, and...ooh! there it is!'" Which made me think of...
3. All the moles dermatologists cut off and how there is someone working at a lab somewhere who walks into work and is confronted with a bunch of little packets containing tiny little moles that they must cheerfully examine. But I digress.

Anyway, today when I was looking at the Perfect Vagina site, I learned that the reasons for labioplasty include this:

some women complain that...riding a bike is uncomfortable

Which just makes me curious how fucking big, labia-wise, we're talking. I mean, to be uncomfortable on a bike, they'd have to be...what? getting caught in the wheels? So big you don't need any padding on your seat? I mean, if they're "can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow" size, hell, maybe I am supportive of a little nip and tuck.

Now unclear on my labial worldview.  Leave me alone.

--Oh, Santa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, SSssssssssaaaaaantaaaaa, oh God, yes!

The holiday season is coming up which means it's time to start thinking about Santa, particularly how sexy it would be to have him pull down his velvety red pants then slowly slide his snowy white pubes against your throbbing center. Because, yes, a Santa fetish is a real thing.

A Santa fetish can involve being fucked by Santa, or alternately, being Santa and fucking others. Today, for example, on porn site xnxx there are 287 videos tagged with the word "Santa." (If you have a spare moment and an easily erasable search history, I would urge you to look the sheer crazy-ass variety of specialty tags there representing a wide variety of human sexual expression* including "mother-in-law," "poltergeist," uh-oh--hold the phone on that labioplasty-- a stunning 1178 videos for "mega pussy lips." And I presume they mean the still-attached kind. Though at this point I'm pretty sure that someone somewhere is probably jerking off to the thought of a medical waste bin chockful of removed, oh god, never mind, I'm not even going to finish that sentence.)

In case you're thinking it's just porn-obsessed dirty pervs with the Santa fetish, sensitive literate folk get hot for Santa fuckery as well. Here's a selection from the story Sara's Santa Fetish--it's Santarotica, a word I hope I just made up.

"I know what you've been thinking, I know for what you long, and tonight's a special night indeed, because Santa isn't wrong," he spoke, rhyming the words as if singing a verse from Santa Claus is Coming to Town. "I know when you lay in bed at night, your body longs for me, and tonight I'll make your dreams come true, Sara I'll set you free."

Oh there's more. Plenty more.

The fantasies flashed in her mind like movie trailers of the oft-repeated nights she lay in bed at night, thighs wide, fingering her clit while rubbing a wig or other such prop against her inner legs as if to replicate the feel of facial hair, a beard... Santa's beard. She'd thought of the things he'd do to her, of the pleasure he would bring, but - but -

"It's happening, Sara," he promised with a soft, belly-shaking chuckle. "Lean back and enjoy this very special gift."

I don't why I love this so much. Maybe it has something to do with the usual erotica tropes--the straining nipples, bucking hips and the like coupled with the Santa-y references to jolliness, his "silky soft beard," and that "soft, belly-shaking chuckle."

"Enjoy this very special gift" indeed. "Gee, Santa, is it your cock? Seriously?  Again?"

--Sex Advice from 2000 Years Ago.
Maybe it's the overseas "Lexapro" talking, but I'm reading a recent translation of the Kama Sutra and discovered some Ancient Wisdom to pass on to you:

Making Oneself Attractive
"The eye of a peacock or hyena, put inside a locket of gold and worn on the right hand, renders one attractive."

You already knew that one? Okay then, here's one for the gentlemen.

Bewitching a Woman
"Sex with a woman when the penis is smeared with honey mixed with a powder of thorn apple, black pepper and long pepper will bewitch her into one's power. Using a powder made of wind-blown leaves, flowers left on a corpse and peacock bones has the same effect."


*none of them, unfortunately, with the tag "Marc Maron."


jeanne said...

Hey thanks so much! Yeah, I don't get the butchering of ladyparts other than a too literal influence interpretation and of porn. (I don't have a blanket issue with porn--as I worked in an office of an adult video and all interest newsstand years ago. Certain repeated themes and attitudes can be disturbing) Interesting that the most extreme sexual behavior is ideally coupled with what looks like a prepubescent child's parts. Creepy.
Cut it for bike riding?? I think there ARE padded bike shorts. Yikes.
Years ago I painted some nude self portraits working out some issues I had with critical BFs that shaped their preferences from 2D simulacrums of this perversely tidy fleshless ideal. A sort of FU to that and a way to reassert a confidence. Even if it was a fake it till you make it sort of deal.

jeanne said...

"influence and interpretation of porn" I meant. typo. urgh.

Tineke said...

The documentary had me take a more 'up close and personal' look at my own vagina, and I must say mine is looking pretty great compared to some of the sculpted ones, so yaaay for me!

I must admit though, like the interviewer mentioned, it dies look different since I had ny daughter... I wonder if it feels different as well, note to self: have serious bedtalk with boyfriend in near future.

as to the Santa porn, all I can say is compared to golden showers, 2girls1cuo, etc. I prefer Santa... if only he had great abs, a great ass and a smoldering look (and isn't he married, that naughty boy?)

and my wonderful contribution to the kamasutra post is: they always told me you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar..... (are you having visual images of a honeydripping penis covered in pepper, thorn apple and hundreds of flies coming toward your fanny yet? I know I am)

Anonymous said...

As a guy, all I can say is, I never met a labia I didn't absolutely adore! Not claiming to have seen all that many(any estimate would be a lie), but I can attest to the wonderful variety in " ladybits" out there. By the time you get close enough to size things up, as it were, most guys are just plain grateful! The ones who make an issue of a woman's size are your garden variety douchebags. 'nuff said.

ValdVin said...

"You spell it S-A-N-T-Y C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus!"

(Repeat the last line until it becomes catchy. It will take a long time.)

Anyone who uses SCCTM in a sex blog has a great, and likely kinky, sense of humor. Good show!

caitlingrace said...

Thanks for sharing my blog post. seems to have sparked a lot of interest.
Hooray for your readers not thinking cutting into labia with surgical implements is a good idea! and you are right I can still see him stretching out her labia after he removed it and thinking'whats he going to do with it now?"
Re Santa Claus - Now I've got the scene from Bad Santa in my head hwere she's going Fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa.
Thanks for that .

Cannibal said...

1st off Kudos for the Santa Clause vs the Martians pic & it wrong that i sped-read this and thought for a sec. " whut, Costco is doing Labiaplastys for 6.99$ ??? "