Monday, February 18, 2019

Sex Toys! Get Your Sex Toys!

I can show you the world
Due to my inability to say no to free things, I have amassed an embarrassingly large collection of brand new sex toys for both men and women--especially, for no reason in particular, butt stuff for men. There are only so many things I can put in, on or around my own parts, and I'd absolutely love to get them into the orifices of people who really want them.

The thing is, I can't afford to pay for shipping to send you all this stuff just free, especially those of you who live in other countries and don't tell me 'til the last minute.

Ideas? Should I create a Google doc of what I have and you can peruse my wares? Silent auction? Weird online garage sale? Should I only make you pay for shipping? Or should I charge a little extra for my Travel To Europe To Engage the Services of Parker Marx fund, which is on the secret bucket list in my head and presently contains zero dollars (which according to today's currency exchange rate is equivalent to zero Euros)?

I do want to get these toys in, on and/or under you, somehow. I have a deep love of giving out sex toys, especially when I feel like I'm really helping someone. Like, I gave some really great high-end toys to a non-rich new widow in Michigan the other week and honestly, I felt like a fucking fairy godmother, one who hands out literal Magic Wands.

So think on it, will you?


~~Disappearing magically into a cloud of fairy dust, or maybe it's just shimmery lube~~

P.S. I did sell the non-joy sparking Sex Machine and when I went to the local postal store to mail it, a mother at my daughter's school was working at the counter. I don't know her but I know she is a member of a religion that is not known for sexual tolerance.

On the advice of someone I shall not name, I lied and said the really really heavy package contained "books" because it was gonna cost over 90 bucks to mail as "non books." I thought I'd pulled it off and was emailing the buyer to tell her of our good fortune, and at the same time the school mom--perhaps guided by wisdom not of this world--OPENED THE PACKAGE.

Which is simply not done, but that's exactly what she did.

This is what she saw:

basically an onslaught of panties and a big pink dildo

Our eyes met for 4 million years while the box still sat wide open and radiating its pink shame, and even though I am 53 fucking years old and write a sex blog, I could feel my face go hot and red. She finally said, "I didn't see anything."

But she saw it all.

I will never go there again, but I did get the way cheaper book rate which, yes, is mail fraud, but I don't care because rules don't matter in our country anymore and anyway I felt I'd earned that money.


Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahaha!!! 4 million years, I'll bet!

For dispersing the goods, some kind of online garage sale/ebay? You deserve some compensation for your time and effort, not just to be reimbursed for the shipping. Though maybe the altruism of it is important and otherwise you would feel less like a fairy godmother and more like the kind of woman who lies at the post office about elaborate sex toys she's secretly mailing. Hmmmm.


Unknown said...

I guess your infraction in incorrectly detailing the contents matches hers in opening the parcel, don't you just love how balanced the world can be! Also lovely to see tolerance can reside in an intolerant world!
As for disposing of said goods an online garage sale sounds a good idea. I may even be able to help lighten your load of a few items.
As Julian says certainly shipping must be paid & perhaps a fixed amount for time & packaging.


Anonymous said...

Calculate the shipping, then charge 3x. That'll give you a nice donation to your fund. Also, try shipping USPS flat-rate Priority mail for very heavy fuck machines. Not nearly as cheap as media rate, but legal, and you get the box for free.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, OK! But I am still in lurve with my iBend and the joy of winning something on the internet. I'll buy something nice for hubby's butt if you put up an auction and pay for the shipping of the - eh - books. Emma in Sweden

bitchtopia said...

Bless your heart, that post office awkwardness is something that would happen to me. <3

Jill Hamilton said...

julian, the reminder of THE LIE is guilting me out again. the rest of the advice--A+

Brian, send me an email and what you might be into and I'll look into my bag of tricks.

anon, i'm doing the priority mail boxes now--excellent suggestions--but like 1/8 of that fuck machine woulda fit into the large priority box.

Emma--it wasn't only YOU. and you totally made up for it with that stellar photo!

bitchopiam which is an excellent name--now i'm twitchy anytime i mail anything, no matter how benign, thinking i'm gonna get question. also because rarely am I mailing something benign.

i will update you all soon!

DAT said...

I was recently poking around your Blog and found a thread from May 23, 2012. It was titled “Lexapro Sex.” As I have some recent firsthand experience with that I am making so bold as to tell it to you. Since this is an explicit Blog site, I’ll explicitly say that my topic is masturbation.
A bit more than a year ago my wife of 42 years died, and I found myself in need of an antidepressant. My NP put me on Lexapro (Escitalopram). After I had been on it a month, thoughts of a sexual nature no longer drifted through my brain (or camped out in my brain.) I took no pleasure in stimulating myself. I got no erections, and could not induce an erection. Erection was none, as in zero. Ejaculation had receded far over the horizon. My libido was hollowed out. It consisted of two thoughts. The first was that I used to do those things, and the second was that I was pretty sure I used to enjoy them.
I complained of this to my NP who promptly switched me to Wellbutrin (Bupropion). By the time I had been on it a month the occasional sexual thought had returned. I again enjoyed touching my genitals, and my body again rewarded me with an erection. This plus depression relief was a fully adequate compromise. My ejaculation however, was changed. It used to have a latency of tenths of a second from the start of orgasm, and now that latency was around ten seconds. As far as I could tell the amount was the same, but its force was sharply diminished. The post orgasm restricted time was about a day (for masturbation) prior to any medicines. It’s now closer to a week, on Wellbutrin. I am older, but the changes are all synchronous with the addition or subtraction of medicines. I further suspect (it is a side effect) that I have some retrograde ejaculation. I see no clear sign of that, but then, there is nothing to “see” in that condition, right?
When I started this medicine, I was reconciled to it, but now I’m starting to think that I may, at some time in the future, want to make a trial off of it. If I do, or if I again try sex with another person, I will, should you give me the slightest encouragement, report back to you.
Another aspect of my experience wIth Lexapro and sex weights on me. My late wife was on Lexapro, and that for years before the start of her final illness. She told me, approximately a year before her illness was diagnosed, that she no longer had any interest in sexual activity, and would no longer have any sexual contact with me. She apologized. She verbalized a variation of “It’s me, not you,” but she was emphatic and final. It could have been a sign of inadequate anti depression effect, (we discussed that.) It could have been an early sign of her physical illness, but I now am suspicious that it may have been a Lexapro effect. I wish I had known to consider that at the time.
Please keep up the good work.

Jill Hamilton said...

thanks for your letter, DAT. it is a weird sucky balance to try to figure out what trades we are willing to made in sexual response vs. not feeling like crap. and everyone seems different in how the drugs affect them. gah.