Saturday, December 15, 2018

RIP Critique My Dick Pic

(Since Tumblr has made ridiculous new "anti-pornography" rules that make zero sense at all, I'm re-running this to memorialize the work of my favorite Tumblriste ever, Ms. Maddie Holden, whose labors (oh, you'll see) might soon disappear forever.  You can read her own eulogy of the brief shining moment that was her righteous blog, Critique My Dick Pic here.  

And for the record, fuck this shit. Facebook is cracking down, or whatever, too. I was just banned from Facebook for a month for the very photo that is, ironically, still running as the photo for IBWMW's Facebook page and has been there for years. (I suspect I was reported by a stranger who took offense at some political thing I wrote. It will not surprise you that I'm kinda outspoken on social media. And yes, I'm working on it.) 

This insane prudery isn't helping any of us. We need to be able to talk to each other about sex and our orientations and share what's really going on. Shoving it down, banning it--all that stuff takes away access to real, decent, information, connection and so much art and beauty. 

This doesn't help "the children" either.  When they can't see a sex educator showing them what a vulva is, then their most easily accessible sex ed is gonna be porn.  Which, porn is fine and you know I love it, but there is a whole lot of really crappy porn with dudes spitting on women or even just not fucking them in a decent manner. That's not helping the kids, my friends.

For the rest of us, we should be allowed to freely talk about so-called adult matters.  Because we are fucking adults.   

Anyway. We were talking dick pics. Let's do it WHILE WE CAN, shall we?


Consider the courtship practice of the Sending of the Dick Picture.

Men like sending them, but few women -- and only under very specific circumstances -- like getting them. (I think they're sexy, but I get that impression that I'm unusual in that regard.) In any case, it seems like a bit of messed up evolutionary mating economics--all supply, little demand.

Supply's not going down any time soon, so it seems the best solution is to create more demand. In this case, creating a better quality--hence possibly better-received--dick pic.

This is the mission of Critique My Dick Pic.  Writes site creator/judger of peni, Madeleine Holden:

this is a tumblr with a simple premise: send me your dick pics, & i’ll critique them with love.
'with love' is an important addendum. i'm never going to shame you about the size of your dick or what it looks like; i'm not about that life. i will, however, be ruthlessly honest when it comes to things like angles, lighting & general tone. i'm trying to help you improve, because in all likelihood your dick pics are artless & dull.

The girl is ruthlessly honestly and is against "Porky Pigging," that is, wearing a shirt but no pants, and photos featuring "the log," (says she: "the log" is when you take a bird’s eye view, close-up shot of your enormous dick, with your dick taking up most of the frame & with very little surrounding detail. dudes, they’re boring. they’re ~so~ boring. they say "look at my fat cock" & fuck all else.") She ends each review with a letter grade. In bold.

Consider this poor guy who sent in an uninspired shot of his dick hanging over the edge of a kitchen sink. (You'll have to look yourself b/c as Holden puts it, this site is "Not! Safe! For! Work!")

um no this is definitely not very good.
your dick is unceremoniously flopped out of your pants & you look like you’re about to piss in the sink. your right arm is hanging limply & the top right hand corner of your pic is straight blur. sender, this is very bad? you didn’t try very much here? it is extremely unlikely that this picture would arouse anyone?
if i were you, sender, i would scrap this entirely & start again, with 100% less sink, 100% less blur, & 1000% more effort.
thank you for submitting to your dick pic gets a C-.

I am completely in love with this site and wish I could just run a bunch of the pix here so you don't have to be clicking around, but Google gets a little peevish when I get too racy.  Do hop over, then tell me what you think. I welcome any and all dick pic stories you might send me as well.


ps yes I do appreciate the absurdity of kowtowing to Google's prudery while running afoul of Porky Pig's copyright holder.  Though I give part of the blame to him for not wearing pants.

Hey. Been drinking?  Leave a little tip today. 


Unknown said...

Definitely an entertaining site to visit. There were actually a couple of pictures I wouldn't have minded getting sent to me.

Little Queen Fish said...

I love a good dick pic! My favorite one arrived after an exchange of steamy pics and texts with a faraway friend. He let me see that he, thoroughly enjoyed our little game.

I would love to read some guidance for the female equivalent of the dick pic. We are at a bit of a disadvantage, with bits that are harder to photograph. Also, we need a catchy name for our pics. It's bad enough that men have a near monopoly on funny euphemisms for masturbation...we need a term for our up close and exceedingly personal shots!

just a girl said...

I'm unusual, too, Jill. I think dick pics are sexy. I'm going to suggest to my friend that has sent me A+ cock shots (my preferred term) to submit to the site for a grade.

Ms. Quote said...

Thanks for sharing this site ... and the laughs. I'm not a fan of random, anonymous dick pics (when they come from my guy, that's a different story), but this site is hilarious and worth following!

Anonymous said...

Jill, you've done it again. Simply fabulous! AGAIN! So funny.
AS for me...I used to be rather proud of mine but lately when I see all these two - handed jobs I think "Nope. No picture for Edgar"
Your Buckeye buddy,

in bed with married women said...

Vanessa, careful what you wish for...

Little Queen Fish, ooh yes. and also yes on the second pt too. must google that.

just a girl, what makes for an A+ for you?

Ms. Quote, xoxo

Anonymous, ah, well, edgar has his own fan club. he doesn't need the fame.

Kayla Lords said...

This was a hilarious read and I've made sure to follow that Tumblr account. I've only seen a few good dick shots on Tumblr over the past several months - a reviewer, in hindsight, seems absolutely necessary! :)

ValdVin said...

Not that I ever joked about stuttering as "Porky Pigging it", but I'm glad that I was able to find out that phrase has been redefined before I spoke it out loud.

in bed with married women said...

Kayla, yes and she seems kind but fair as well.

ValdVin, exactly. winnie the pooh was previously my example pantless cartoon character so i must revise.

Anonymous said...

OMG I just got an unsolicited dick pick from and old friend... and since I was alone I burst out laughing then quickly reminded myself how hurt he would be if he knew I laughed.
( now a photo of a nice solid and hard dick could be speaking... but this was not.....)

Jill Hamilton said...

Anonymous, that comment made my damn day! love that old friend just randomly sent it along, like a holiday newsletter or something.

Anonymous said...

I must be a terribly unusual man. I've never sent one (or even thought about it). Quite frankly the idea doesn't make any sense to me. Apparently, my online alias would be Carlos Safety.

Jill Hamilton said...

Anonymous! Carlos Safety!! Bravo.

Anonymous said...

in response to Jill, you've done it again. Simply fabulous! AGAIN! So funny. AS for me...I used to be rather proud of mine but lately when I see all these two - handed jobs I think "Nope. No picture for Edgar" Your Buckeye buddy, sb