Wednesday, February 3, 2021

The Sex Machine

It's all in your head, really
The sex machine arrived at my doorstep in a large, blessedly unmarked box. Inside was The Motorbunny, all 32.9 lbs of it, prone and ready for all manner of fuckery.

The Motorbunny, a more "affordable" version of the famous/infamous Sybian, is ride-on sex toy that's somewhere between ride-on lawn mower and the mechanical bull in Urban Cowboy, a movie I never saw but feel comfortable citing in an outdated, possibly incorrect reference.

When it arrived, I peeked inside the box and saw a padded half-cylinder thing that you* sit on. There were also a variety of attachments that look like pink dicks and/or pokey things. Not included was an add-on ass/vagina combo called "Jiggle Butt For Men." (Surprisingly, even though Jiggle Butt For Men is, by its very name, forbidden to me as a woman, that didn't make it all the more darkly tempting.)

And, well, that surreptitious peek was my one and only encounter with my fuck machine. Since then, that big-ass box has sat unmolested in my bedroom for, dear God, maybe like an entire year now.

I've been trying to figure out why. 

Part of it is its size. Right now, it's just a large box storage problem. Once I take it out, it becomes a sex machine storage problem, an entirely different matter.

The second reason is the price, $950. I'm guessing the depreciation on such a item would be similar to that of a car, but subject to a more immediate and drastic price drop after I "drive it out of the lot," so to speak. Maybe I'd get a decent story for you, but how could I possibly justify $950 for what might be single, alarmingly bad fuck?

The third is that I've finally realized... I just don't want to. Yes, I read reviews about women screaming in pleasure for hours, endless orgasms and squirting various substances all over the place. But even though my body parts have not (yet?) known the love of the fuck machine, I felt more of a kinship with other reviewers who'd used phrases like "like blasting your bits with a car engine" and "like a Rage Against the Machine song....transformed into a sex toy."

That's not to say real beauty cannot arise out of harsh, literally mechanical sex...

 from the Motorbunny Art Project

But the kind of sex I seek is not what the Motorbunny is offering.

It was 1.5 episodes of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo (thx for the rec Caitlin Grace) that finally did it. The main idea is that items in your home should "spark joy." I was all in with this Life Changing Magic, despite my daughter Ava muttering, "Does your Social Security card 'spark joy'? Does the cats' litter box?"

No. They do not spark joy. And, I realized, neither does this stupid big box in my bedroom, its fuck machine contents and its brutish love. For me, the daring choice was not, as I'd long assumed, getting on that thing as anyone would expect I'd do, but letting it go without riding it, and opening the space for something I truly desire.

All that to say: Sex Machine For Sale. Never Used.

Make an offer.


* By you, I mean, you and not me. 


Anonymous said...

What would the postage to Sweden be for it? I am happy with my iBend and Motorbunny seems scary...

Jill Hamilton said...

it does. but someone else elsewhere was like "you need to try it. obv." and now i feel like a goddamn coward. i bet it would be EXPENSIVE to send it your way.

foxwood said...

hmmm... lemme ask the wife!

Jill Hamilton said...

foxwood, i would like to see that particular conversation. xo

in bed with married women said...

and the bidding has started at 50 bucks.

Anonymous said...

I get it. It's so, so tempting while also creepy and intimidating. When you so graciously offered to send me the AutoBlow 2 in exchange for writing a review/possibly comical article about it, my feelings were... bipolar. As a sex addict and chronic masturbator, I was incredibly excited to try getting sucked off by a small plastic robot touted as the next big thing in self-love. But as a husband and father who tries on a daily basis to hide his perversions from the family, I was freaking out a bit. Would this be crossing a line? Would the pleasure of the orgasm be so great that it would balance the extra helping of shame and self-loathing that often follows in the wake of ejaculation? I didn't know, but the mix of anxiety and anticipation was at least an interesting emotion to feel in middle age, so I was willing to give it a try. Then I had THE DREAM. The dream in which my youngest daughter FOUND THE ENORMOUS BLOWJOB MACHINE. I think I emailed you first thing in the morning to wave off the shipment, begging forgiveness for my sudden flakery, feeling like a fool, like an old man trapped in the "do it with my own hand" paradigm, unprepared for the rise of the orgasmatrons.

Unknown said...

Hmmm, thinking of holding a party of like minded peeps,
having a sex machine would go down, pardon the pun, heaps,
well for some anyway for others the thrill may be cheap
but I figure it's worth the dime or is that something of a leap
of faith perhaps for it's personal touch we know that touches us so deep!

Jill Hamilton said...

B-- if you're feeling it, make an offer in the next few hours. I have a woman here who is super interested and i want to let her know if she's gonna be atop a fuck machine anon.

and anon-- 1. my kids find stuff like that ALL THE TIME. they are enured to such things. in fact, once a package came and I thought it was something my daughter had ordered so i handed it to her and, well, it was not. also, all this time i thought you said no because i just said I'd give you first dibs, boosting you above others.

Jill Hamilton said...

whoops. and the bidding is at $350 plus you pay whatever big ass shipping charges there are....

Anonymous said...

If that's what I said, it was a lie! :) No, it was straight-up anxiety about owning such a device...
And despite the billion-dollar sales of flesh lights and similar false vaginas, the stigma of sex toys is one of the few things that is tougher on men than on women. At least that's the impression I get.

(Here's one of my favorite PBF comics)

Jill Hamilton said...

Anon, i feel like the stigma on butt stuff is maybe lessening for men. but I do hang out with an outlier crowd, i suppose.

Paul Guillot said...

Hello Jill! My name is Paul, I live in New Orleans Louisiana. I like reading your blogs, they are always unusual and very interesting! I like that you are straight forward, it makes the blog that much more interesting, an always has me glued to my seat/bed lol. I think you are a very interesting person and would like to take you out on a date. If you are ever down in New Orleans. I would like to take you to grab some lunch in the French quarters and just stroll around after. An possibly go catch a good band playing or take a ride on the river boat. We can call it a date if you wish. Well hopefully I will get to see you! Have a good night. An thanks for your blogs..

Cannibal said...


Had a dream after reading this : was onstage with my band ( not in a band ), playing my bass
( do play bass ), and went to tap my left foot onto my effect board/wah wah pedal effect &

instead there was THE MOTORBUNNY ! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !

still think it would make an amazeballs stage prop .