Thursday, September 13, 2018

Overthinking the Magic Bra

Sandra and I were shopping for bras in what is still called--in this day and age!-- the "Intimates" department when I saw it: the Maidenform Women's Ultimate Push Up Bra

Have you seen this thing? "Add two cup sizes!" it promises, as well it should, since it seems to contain a small throw pillow's worth of padding in each cup. The bra was pretty ridiculous, really, so we gave it its proper mockery then continued with the special hell that is bra-shopping. [Oh, men, you don't even know! The egregious misstocking, the deciphering of strange terms (is "demi" good or bad?) and the hideous also-rans (I'm talking to you, green pin-striped push-up bra.) It's enough to drive you to the smelling salts, quite honestly.]

After some time (hours? days?) I had gathered a few bras that appeared that they might work (though "gathered" is not nearly a strong enough term for the savage, skillful foraging it took.) Though oddly, as though guided by some sort of unseen force, I kept finding myself circling back to the Ultimate bra. "Oh look," I thought to myself, with a forced casualness that didn't fool me one bit. "It's that ridiculous bra again." In a jump of logic that remains unclear to me even now, I concluded, "Well, may as well try it on."

I did, and well....DAMN! I had huge boobs, insanely inflated porno boobs, boobs that could not be tamed by man nor bra. My bosom, as they say in the romance novels, was swollen. My cups runnethed over. I was like the chick in this photo modeling the bra in question, but...more. Way more. My boobs were so huge, I was unclear on which side of the sexy/comically large divide they fell. "Sandra!" I called to the other dressing rooms. "You must come in here and behold my giant boobs." She looked. "Damn!" she said (as well she should.)

"I don't know...I look...different," I said, hoping Sandra, who knows about such feminine matters, would tell me whether to get it or not. Sandra took charge immediately. "Well, girl, I look different when I'm not wearing make-up--that doesn't mean I don't wear it, " she said definitively. "You Are Getting That Bra."

So I got it. And it sat, unused, in its preternatural perkiness on my dresser. I put it on only two times. Once to show Leah and once to show my husband. "Look at my boobs!" I said. Leah looked. My husband looked. "Damn!" they said.

I liked it. Kind of. I think. I don't know. The bra was becoming... problematic. I just couldn't bring myself to wear it. Was it indeed sexy, or was it just too damn big, borderline silly? Would I feel comfortable showing up to my usual haunts with my suddenly gigantic rack? (It should be noted that I already have a pretty smokin' D cup, but the difference with the magic bra was noticeable, way noticeable.) What if someone started flirting with me just because of my big fake boobs? Would I be irked that they were into something I didn't actually possess? Hey, my eyes are up here, Mr. Big Boob Lover.

And what if you were still dating and wearing this bra? The padding was so flippin' thick--would you even notice when things had gone to, as we used to say, second base? And what about a "home run"? As you flung your bra to the floor, so would go your boobs, piled there on the carpet, still waiting perkily at attention. (Warning: never do your real boobs look so dreadfully inadequate than after taking off the magic bra.)

The magic bra was causing me to overthink. I mean, not that I control the direction of society with my bra choices, but did I really want to be promoting this as what a women's chest should look like? By wearing the bra, in some small--albeit, incredibly busty--way, I would be raising the bar of what a woman's chest was supposed to look like. If my D-cup needed enhancement, what about my C, B and A-cup sisters? Would they be forced to don a completely fabricated chest, similar to those boys' superhero costumes with the build-in foam muscles? Would we one day just all don our blonde-haired, big-boobed, sweetly smiling full-body foam costumes, completely covering our unworthy, misshaped, shameful selves? No, by jingo! I would not be a part of it!

I found the tags and the receipt for the bra. I had to return it--for the Good of Society.

But first I tried it on one more time.



Addendum: Btw, if you, like some of the commenters below, wish to play your part in bringing down society, you can get the thing--it's full of lies, I tell you!--at a department store like Kohl's or order it via In Bed With Married Women through the link above:


Rebecccccca said...

I want one!

CkretsGalore said...

I have some fantastic bra's that I don't wear all the time but on occasion. The reason is that sometimes I don't fill a shirt nicely and a bustier bra does the trick.

Then I tend to grab my bra/boobs and keep saying how fantastic they look. haha

HarleyQ said...

I must confess, I have enjoyed the many splendors of push-up bras, for some time now. I love the way my breasts get pushed together creating a crease which wouldn't otherwise be present and I love that my breasts don't just look bigger, they push "out" and my buttons become tight. Let's hear it for the ultimate push-up bra (and don't think I won't be checking out the one above).

I have missed you Jill, glad to see you are back in action!

katsidhe said...

I've wondered that, too, about why are there are even push up bras for women who are already rocking a C or higher? I found one in my size and I'm a fucking DD. If put that bloody thing I probably wouldn't be able to see.

jenersoity said...

I used to think the same thing Katsidhe... I'm a DD why would I need a push up. Then I put one on.....DAMN!! After losing 100 pounds and turning 40, the girls are heading south. This was just the "boost" I needed, in more ways than one!

The only downfall is the awkward groping moments but meh... none of my guys ever seemed to mind the "false advertising!"

Anonymous said...

haha I love this post. I love the unnecessary trajectory it took us to: societal scruples and all. Although D-cups sound gigantic as IT IS, I can't imagine just how much they pushed your knockers up. I have meager B-cups, but I honestly could care less. I don't put on make up either because whether or not I look ugly is my business alone. I also think the fact that I'm antipathetic towards everyone contributes to my aloof take on physique and self-image. Besides, you made a very good point, once you're under the sheets there's no hiding all that!

Unknown said...

True story.

So this one time I was dancing on a bar top in NYC and all the guys were yelling 'take it off, take it off'. The bartender came up behind me and removed my shirt, putting my ginormous boobs (in a Miracle bra) on display to the delight of the crowd.

Then the bra came off and the boobs collapsed.

Luckily I was so drunk I didn't notice the crowd was no longer cheering.

The Barreness said...

I love me some Victoria's Secret Very Sexy Push Ups so much that I order them from home twice a year.

I've yet to hear any complaints.

Then again, it's difficult to decipher much of anything through the haze of sangria and a ball gag...


- B x

Jo said...

"Warning: never do your real boobs look so dreadfully inadequate than after taking off the magic bra."

This is precisely why I banned push-up bras from my wardrobe at the age of 18 or so. Part of the reason I had such crappy self-esteem towards my body all through my teens was because I'd been wearing these bras every day. It sounds like they can do amazing things with lifting bigger bosoms, but on an A-cup chest like mine they're just depressing.

Anonymous said...

There's a sort-of equivalent in the man's world, called "packing."

I wasn't aware of it until I was in a sex toy shop in Los Angeles (buying an I'm-not-gonna-tell-you), and saw these strange things designed to be put down the front of a guy's underpants. They're sort of like bas-relief foam sculptures of a large, non-erect penis and balls, and I guess if you're walking around with very tight pants, or just your underwear, they give the illusion of having a thick, meaty wang.

Now, I have never, ever taken off a woman's bra and been disappointed by what was inside, even if the bra was designed to enhance things a bit. My only reaction has been "Oh my god, I just took off a woman's bra!!!" But admittedly, I'm not a size snob when it comes to breasts, and I've always been happy with the women I've dated, no matter what they were sporting up top. Maybe there are men out there who would feel a little led-on once the giant gazungas come out of the magical bra cups and reveal themselves to be less than giant.

But the packing thing seems a little more deceitful. Who could ever get away with that once the evening got all naked? Would a guy have to excuse himself to the bathroom, slip out the foam cock, hide it in his jeans pocket, and hope his new friend won't notice things have changed?

I can't help picturing some guy working out at a gym, wearing that big rubber muscle-chest they made for Ricardo Montalban in Star Trek 2. Yeah, it looks good while he's working the pec and delt machines, but what does he do in the shower room? Hang it on a rack and sheepishly reveal his skinny, wrinkled caved-in old man chest? Or maybe he's happy never taking it off and being envied from a distance by people he will never let get too close, lest they learn his shameful secret.

I can only assume that that packing is for guys who are, as they say "growers and not show-ers," confident and proud of their erections, but convinced that their flaccid members are inadequate (but for what?).

Or maybe it's just another one of those inexplicable gay things, like riding chaps or Kathy Griffin.

Enid Wilson said...

I need to buy a bra too. I'm not sure if I want 2 sizes up. It could be uncomfortable. And I'd like a man to see how good I'm, not how big I'm. But there is no harm to experiment, for the good of society. *wink*

Bargain with the Devil

Jayne said...

Are you kidding. I've got nothin' smokin' going on up there. Where can I find this bra?!

Jill Hamilton said...

Okay, Jayne and the rest of you betrayers, I put a link to buy it at the end of the post. Kohl's has it too. I would love a report on your results. I am trying to make my friend wear one around and detail her findings but so far, she's not biting.
Enid, THAT is the question. I'm not opposed to increasing a bit, but two sizes seems too much. Where would I draw the line? A one and a half cup increase? If you're increasing, why should the degree of increase matter?
Anonymous--"A thick meaty wang," now that is a turn of a phrase, my friend. Oddly, a friend and I were JUST talking about those "shelf" underwear for men and we both were perplexed. Maybe you could be the case study! Get one and record your reactions--don't forget the tight pants for maximum impact.
Jo--I hear you. I think I heard that "Wah wah waaaaah" tuba sound when I took mine off.
B--I am unable to respond to your comment due to my ball gag.
Tricia--Holy crap! I wish I had another prize to give you. How bout this? If I had been there, I would have totally clapped for your unburdened boobs. Not a sarcastic slow clap, but a rousing round of applause, complete with a 'woo-hoo!' or two.
Leila--You're so bad-ass with your "Whether I look ugly is my business alone" P.S. Without the frequent and meandering "unnecessary trajectory," life would not be worth living.
Jenersoity--Congratulations on your weight lost and enjoy rockin' your big-ass hoisted boobs.
Kat--I like the idea of you becoming blinded by your huge bust line. "Is anyone there? I can hear breathing!"
HarleyQ--thanks for the welcome. an aside on the "crease." i have noticed some among my age group getting the crease, but it's sort of, well, less a crease than a big vertical wrinkle. maybe not the intended look...
And Rebeccccca--Did I put the right amount of C's in? Hmm, well, like Miss Jayne, do report back on the results if you decide to try out a new pair of knockers.
bye now.

The Sweetest said...

This is exactly why, at nearing forty years old, I am still wearing the equivalent of training bras. Because turning my barely As into something, ANYTHING, just seems wrong. But don't think I don't have full, round breasts in my fantasies...

CheckeredFoxglove said...

(Warning: never do your real boobs look so dreadfully inadequate than after taking off the magic bra.)

That's why I wear sports bras. They make me look completely flat, but then when I take them off...

cammies on the floor said...

So funny

in bed with married women said...

Cammies on the floor, thank you! xo

Anonymous said...

I am a boob guy who loves Jill's column.
I always wanted my wife to wear a push-up or miracle bra but she always said "No". Then I fantasized about her having breast implants but, again, "NO"
Fast forward 20 years. She has gained some weight but to my delight, a LOT of it is IN HER BRA! She is unhappy about the extra weight around her middle, but I say nothing. Except of course "Why don't you be on top for a while!
We boob guys will happily exchange a little extra fat for some bigger toys.

Unknown said...

I wear this thing by calvin klein the wonderful definitely not misogynist person who I should definitely be throwing my money at, called a "bralette." it comes in like 3 sizes and is some mixture of a bikini top and a sports bra. it is clearly intended for small breasts, though mine are almost too big for the biggest size. anyway, it definitely creates quite an impressive jiggle but I'm just glad to be wearing something so comfortable. I will probably just keep buying new ones forever. I usually wear tops I buy in the men's section anyway,so it's safe to say breasts have never been a focal point for me.

Sextant said...

Boobs are very confusing for us polite males (I suppose the impolite alpha males don't give a shit, they just go ahead and stare). Who the hell does not enjoy looking at boobs? But when you do look, you incur the wrath of the hinted at by your comment "Hey, my eyes are up here, Mr. Big Boob Lover."

While I am not 100% certain, I suspect that plunging necklines, push up bras, and breast enhancements are all for the purpose of displaying the goods. But I also came to the conclusion many years ago that these displays were not meant for a dwebe like me, so simply don't look is the best advice that I can give to my fellow polite nerd boob admirers. One can with practice develop one's peripheral vision, thus getting a partial look and remaining safely invisible.

That said, I must confess a certain attraction to the natural breast in all natural sizes. Those push up bras that bunch the breasts together and upward always look fake and somewhat dangerous to me. One good sneeze or hitting a pot hole while driving could bring about a category five wardrobe malfunction. But that is a dwebe's viewpoint.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous/Boob Guy, yes, you are wise not to mention the whole middle thing.

Tanya, that's how I was for years and years, until Sandra, actually, shamed me into caring. Now I'm sort of into them. All options are good!

Sextant,I think the peripheral vision thing must be a learned trait. When i used to help out in the kindergarten class, kids just look/stare without trying to sneak it.

Mark Mitchell said...

Looks like the perfect gift for my wife ;)

Anonymous said...

“Oh my god, I just took off a woman’s bra!” is ALWAYS the best reaction! 😂