Wednesday, December 24, 2014

My 10 Favorite Things You Bought on Amazon This Year

Actual purchase, approximation of purchaser
I was feeling all grumpy and hateful about the blog until I happened upon the year-end list of stuff readers bought via the Amazon search link at right. I don't love Amazon ===> particularly, but I do like that any time someone buys something through the link, the probably-evil corporate behemoth has contractually agreed to throw me a few pennies. Suckas.

I enjoy re-framing it as a private grassroots campaign to Take Down Corporate America.  But really, I just like pennies.

But I also like that each purchase means someone took the time to drag their virtual ass all the way over to the blog to use the search button.  There's love in that act, yes?

I don't get to see who places orders or who orders what--so I can't thank anyone specifically, unless you tell me and demand praise--but I can see what is ordered.  I am trying to apply complex Psychological Purchase Analytics to the list, for purposes of exploiting the fuck out of the reader base, but I'm flummoxed. If anyone sees a pattern in here, let me know.

Anyway, here are my favorite things you ordered on Amazon this year:

10.  Books!
Heady stuff, including: A book of Rilke poems, a chemistry textbook, One Hundred Years of Solitude, books on autism, zen, labor unions, the nature of love and desire, and international environmental law.  Also some vampire smut, and lots of copies of  Naomi Wolf's Vagina (The book, not her actual vagina.  For actual vagina purchases, see #3.)

9.  eBooks!
Maybe it's the lack of visible evidence of embarrassing reading choices, but the selection of ebooks ordered was...well, have a look for yourself:  In Another Man's Bed, Ex on the Beach, Bound by Wolves (Impregnated by Wolves, Part 1), and the unappealing erotica of Taken and Milked (A Forced Lactation Fantasy--Milked by Master). (Hey Milky, you might also enjoy Escaping the Milking Machines: An Impregnation and Lactation Story which sounds just as...awesome.)

8.  A 4-pack of anal plugs
 The purple jelly variety.

7.  This item, just because of its name.
Stunning 3D Red Blossom with Dazzling Pink and White Crystals All Over The Clear Plastic License Plate Frame

6.  One comb.

5. The person who bought the book Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills
Because they bought it, then promptly returned it. "Fuck communication skills, I'm just gonna stick with the silent treatment."

4. One Friday the 13th Jason Axe Costume accessory
Not ordered anywhere near Halloween.

3.  3 pairs (!) of Realistic Wearable Vaginas
Two people bought the pair featured in Vagina. Panty. Vagina Panty! (one black, one nude), dropping $130 apiece.

However, one among you opted to save $60.01 and got the cheapo pair (below) which, dude, it's your fake vagina--that's important. Don't get the one that looks like a homemade cast.



at #1:   A Quart of Natures Miracle "Just for Cats" Urine Destroyer

So for any among you who were among the people who ordered one of the 323 items this year--especially the expensive ones like the chocolate protein powder, the Kindle Fires, the 4 copies of The Handbook of Dispute Resolution and the adult-sized Conan The Barbarian Costume--please know that while you sit there with four anal plugs up your butt, reading forced milking erotica in your newly cat pee odor-free home, I thank you from the bottom of my vaginal panties*


*The expensive kind.


Jennifer M said...

"4. One Friday the 13th Jason Axe Costume accessory
Not ordered anywhere near Halloween."

Yessssh! Totally MADE THE LIST! Boo-yah.

James said...

Every time somebody asked me what I wanted for xmas and I said "nothing" I was missing such golden opportunities :( to suggest these.

in bed with married women said...

Jennifer, you almost got edged out by Conan but the pic you sent put you WAY over. xoxoxo
James, I'm gonna just focus on moving more wearable vaginas, so ask for those.

Spiffy McBang said...

Oh man, if I had sent a pic of the Conan costume I might have gotten in? ...oh right, that plan never worked out so I didn't get to use it.

Well, if having one of the books counts as making the list, I totally made it. So boo-yah anyway!

So, Jill, do you get a little more if the stuff that's purchased is more expensive?

Brad said...

A 4-pack???

in bed with married women said...

Spiffy, thanks for buying the book. I will be polite for once and not as you nosy questions about which one it was. And yes, they give me a percentage, 4% which goes to 6% if I move some absurd amount of merch. I know, what a fucking sell out.

Spiffy McBang said...

I am totally fine with nosy questions, as I always maintain the right not to answer them. But I usually do answer them, as I will now: I got the labor unions book as a birthday gift for my dad.

A book which is boxed up, in my car, waiting to be sent. And his birthday was Nov. 9th. eeeee....

Anonymous said...

There are places where it says "If you're buying holiday items from Amazon anyway, use this link" and it's not a link. : (

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous--thanks for the detective work. I wonder what browser you're using bc it works here...? or are you maybe not in the US? Anyone else having this issue?

in bed with married women said...

and thanks spiffy for the union book classing up the place!

Spiffy McBang said...

@Anonymous: I use the "Support via Amazon Purchases" link just under the header. The line you're talking about is just text, far as I can tell. I'm using Chrome, but there's no link there on Firefox either.

Unknown said...

Absolutely love love live your blog. We write about the same things so pop on over to mine if you get a minute

Little Queen Fish said...

Just placed an order from Amazon through your link, and will do so on future purchases. Given, eclectic order history with Amazon, I'm hoping I will entertain you in addition to supporting the blog. Thanks for what you do, and happy 2014!

in bed with married women said...

Lanthie, thanks--will stop by and see you.
Little Queen Fish--oh man, thanks! and yay!!