Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Reviews of Stuff People Asked Me to Review

"How 'bout some strip Candy Land then?"
1.  The Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator sent to me unbidden by the nice new lady at Good Vibrations.

Here's what I can tell you:

--Don't have it arrive near your daughter's birthday so that she runs inside carrying the package saying, "Is it my birthday present?" (Intercepted this time, thus avoiding a repeat of The Zestra Incident.)
--Note that it doesn't come with the required two AAA batteries, so if you get a sudden yen to try it one night, you might find yourself naked in the kitchen, sifting through the junk drawer, searching for some batteries that do not have corrosion on them.
We're cousins, identical cousins
--Note also that non-corroded batteries do not necessarily = fresh peppy batteries. This leads to a situation in which the vibe is slowly dying, but imperceptibly.  So as you need more, it cruelly gives you less. You know the math concept in which you can keep halving a number infinitely, getting closer to--but never quite arriving at--zero? It's like that but with orgasm.
--New batteries, next day:  all good. Real good. V. quiet, inner knobby thing for G-spot gloriousness, outer butterfly-looking part for external butterfly love.
--Note, the final: I had a good look at the butterfly looking part as I was washing off the traces of our intimate love and, fuck, what's with the butterfly/sex toy trope? Who wants to have sex with a butterfly?  (Just googled it and the answer one. IBWMW Minister of Kooky Schemes: add to list of possible topics for untapped erotica ebook market.) This butterfly looks particularly reminiscent of its caterpillar past, with antennae, beady little eyes and icky ridge things on its thorax. Wouldn't an abstract design be way hotter, and by hotter I mean, completely non-bug-related?

"Please fuck me, bzzzzz."
(Btw, I took the vibrator out to my front yard--the butterfly's natural habitat, I suppose--to get better light for full thorax exposure for the picture. THIS is how much I love you.) 

2. Bedded Bliss: A Couple's Guide to Lust Ever After by Kristina Wright.

Even when I was a kid sneaking peeks at sex articles in women's magazines, there was something unbearably depressing about the articles on "reigniting the spark." And today, this kind of stuff still triggers that same existential angst. I mean, playing strip Candy Land to spice it up? Has it really come to this?

However, I will toss kudos to Wright for an innovative spin on the genre, as well as an open-minded approach. Besides some depression-inducing sex tips ("Keep a jar of memories"), there are sections devoted to each stage of married life, i.e. middle age, with accompanying erotica. The best erotica, to me, were the stories that eroticized the continuing strong sexual reaction between a couple--the place of heat that two people can return to--as in "Take it off," by Sommer Marsden or ones that had some boundary-pushing like "Circuit" by Charlotte Stein. On the other hand, when a story pushed a boundary I didn't personally want pushed, well, ick.  That would be you, "Holding Forth," with the pee erotica. Sample line:  "'It must feel so good for her to let it flow,' Melanie observed sensuously, fondling my shaft with increased vigor."

Alas, I too now must pee, but I suspect it will be less eventful, as there is no shaft available for me to fondle with increased vigor.  However it ends up, I will keep it to myself. You don't get to know everything.


in bed with married women said...

would you like me to mail you the book? email me: first come, first served.

ValdVin said...

"If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it."

(h/t Tina Belcher)

Cagey-C said...

Strip Candy Land? How about Strip Uno? Strip Hungry Hungry Hippos? Yeah, all kind of weird.

Is it bad form to confess that, comedic elements notwithstanding, the first part of the post left me incredibly turned on? (I also don't get the butterfly trope. Nor do I get the dolphin trope, the rabbit trope, nor really any other vibrator-in-animal-form trope.)

in bed with married women said...

ValdVin, thanks to you I have now googled tina belcher and have increased my cultural literacy slightly.
Cagey-C: You return! And all it took was hot talk of naked junk drawer rummaging + math. ps strip hungry hungry hippos WAS one of the ideas.

Charles Haltrey said...

As always Dear Jill, LOVE this column.
After reading your excerpt where the lady fondles her man's shaft while imagining someone letting go of her pee, I will tell you a true - to - life story from my long - ago past.
I was married at 18 to a lovely girl of 18 (still married today!). She was MUCH MORE fascinated by my male member back then, to the point where she was interested in how "it" did things other than sex. (She named him "Edgar" BTW).
One day I was in the bathroom preparing to take a whiz when there was a knock at the door.
"Can I come in?" she asked.
"OK" I said and I opened the door.
"Do you have to go?" I asked her.
"No. I want to watch" she said.
"Ok". I un- buttoned my fly ( this was in 1972 - #502 Levis). As soon as "Edgar" appeared she asked me:..
"Can I hold it?"
Now Miss Jill, I have ALWAYS had trouble saying NO to lovely ladies, and so, true to form, I said "OK".
She stood right behind me and reached around and I tried to concentrate on what I was doing, and finally managed to start a stream. She was delighted as she got to hose the water in our toilet with her new hubby's very own urine.
Once empty, she followed instructions as to squeezing and thus drying the member and then she released it allowing me to put things away properly.
This was a one - time experiment, her curiosity was totally satisfied, never to come up again. True story, albeit a 40 year old one.
Your faithful reader and Big big fan.

Spiffy McBang said...

You know you have to tell us what The Zestra Incident is now. I even googled it to see if you'd done so previously, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

in bed with married women said...

Charles, thank you to you and Edgar.
Spiffy, ok FINE. it was near halloween and i had ordered a mockingjay pin for my daughter for a costume. when the package arrived I called her in the room and handed it to her, saying it was for her to open. and of course it was not the pin, but rather a big ol' pack of zestra promotional products including "arousal gel" and other items that mothers don't generally present to their daughters.

Spiffy McBang said...

...that's better than I was imagining. Thank you for that.

P.S. bahahahahaha