Thursday, June 27, 2019

Dinosaur Erotica, Literal Ants in Literal Pants and Other Seemingly Undesirable Objects of Desire

(Yes this is a rerun, but I have two new things on the way including a contest so there's that. But for now you get this. Again.) 


It probably doesn't speak horribly well of me that not one, but three readers (thank you Eric, Leah and Amy!), saw articles about dinosaur erotica and yes...thought of me.

At first I was kind of like, eh. I mean, after already writing about snowman erotica, horny leprechaun erotica, and Santa Claus erotica, there really couldn't be that much more to cover re: people fucking weird-ass things.*

And dinosaurs? Seemed like the options ranged from clawy scratching to hideous mauling, with all in-between combos also un-good.

But everything has its own life lesson to offer and dinosaur erotica was no exemption. I learned plenty of interesting stuff like:

--Scientists haven't found any fossils (soft tissue doesn't generally fossilize well) but speculate that dinosaurs probably had huge wangs, like 6ft long. The kind of hugeness that could really change the tenor of the exhibits in the Natural History Museum.

--No one is sure how dinosaurs had sex (rear entry position on sexy spiky lady Stegosaurus = instant castration.) 

--Scientists are hard at work (er...) rigging up computer simulations of which positions dinosaurs used to fuck to avoid the castration issue.  "These prickly dinosaurs must have had sex another way," said Heinrich Mallison, who is considered an expert, despite using the term "prickly dinosaurs."

--These phrases appear in Ravished by the Triceratops, according to someone who actually read it.

--I looked into the creature's eyes and saw the rage there, but I saw lust as well.
--I decided that I probably could get all this meat in me.
--I couldn't believe this was happening — I had a ten-ton monster licking my ass!

However, for me, the salient point in all this was:  the two chicks who are churning out all this dino ass-licking erotica started making enough money to quit their day jobs in one month!

This is their career advice:

If you find a market that is underwritten or doesn't exist, populate it.

Not to be mean, but their books aren't even good--not even cheapo niche erotica good--and they're really short, like 29 pages.

So of course, I started searching for an "underwritten market." It was surprisingly difficult.

Satan erotica?  Taken. "Gingerbread man erotica"? Taken.  Clown the Republican National Convention....with spanking?  Taken.

Finally I hit upon "ant erotica"

Maybe! There are no books about it and an interest, by these three dudes at least. Here's what one guy said on an ant erotica page that was pleasingly listed under the subhead of "romance and relationships."

"For over 10 years I have loved the feeling of ants crawling over my penis and balls....It started when I rented a house that had large secluded greenhouses which were unused. In these greenhouses large black plastic sheets had been put down to stop plants growing. One day during summer I lifted one of the sheets and found the whole ground covered in a moving mass of ants and ant eggs. I couldn't resist touching the mass which instantly crawled up my arm with a tickling, biting feeling. I brushed them off but the erotic feeling I had made me go back again next day. 

I stripped off, pulled back the sheet and gently lay down in the ants up to my shoulders and head. The feeling was amazing. Like a slow creeping tickling sheet being pulled over my body. There was no biting until they reached my cock and balls when I started to get lots of nips. This made me very erect and the more my foreskin pulled back the more they seemed to bite. it was divine. I was brushing them away from my face and at the same time twisting my nipples really hard. After a few minutes I had to masturbate and came all over the ants. After I had brushed off the ants and replaced the sheet I found my scrotum and foreskin were very red with small spots of blood over them. They swelled up over the next hour or so but not too much. Probably the acid in the bites. I rubbed some antispectic cream on and in a day or so I was reasonably back to normal. 

Needless to say this became an almost daily experience and sometimes up to three times a day."

"Needless to say" (!)  Exactly. Who wouldn't be right back out there the very next day (and sometimes up to three times a day)?

Anyway, is this a book?  "Fucking the Ant Hill"? Or maybe "Ants in My Pants: Literally. I mean there are seriously ants in my pants, biting my cock and balls, and I'll be back out there tomorrow. Needless to say"? Too wordy?

At the bottom of the ant page, I saw some promising links to "Fun with crickets" and "Slug fetish" which--needless to say--I clicked on immediately.

Under "fun with crickets," some guy named Don wrote this about some photos of him fucking (getting fucked by? making love to/with?) a couple bags of crickets.

I went out to the local pet store, and picked up a bag of 36 medium crickets, and another bag of 60 small cricket. I started out with putting cooked hot dog juice on the cock to be eaten, and started out with the small crix. I wasn't to please with the amount of munching that I received. So, I pulled the old tool out, cleaned it off, and applied a nice thin coat of peanut butter. Then I added all of the crickets to the container. The feeding frenzy was in full swing, and I was receiving a good bang for the buck. 

I think I may try meal worm, next, since I have yet to use them. 

One more thing about the crickets, I tend to swell up after a good feeding frenzy, and end up looking a bit like franken cock, if you know what I mean.

I actually don't know what he means about "franken cock" and I am evenly split over whether I actually want to know. However I do love how unerotic his story is, like Don's some guy hanging around the hardware store talking which tools he used patching up the old fence. I also love that Don decided that others would want to see pictures of the crickets eating (oh God) hot dog juice off his wiener. And the best part is, others did want to see the pix!

Like commenter David who had nothing to say about the hot dog juice, the wiener or the crickets, but commented: "Great job! Nice clarity on the container. What is the container, and where did you get it?" 

Which leaves me confused. To write for a market, you must understand it and I'm not yet there. I think I would be focusing on the slow erotic slathering of hot dog juice over my swollen hard cock, or maybe the smoldering lascivious look one of the crickets gave me as it started feeding on my balls, which were pulled tight to my body, as I tried desperately not to come all over those slutty, slutty crickets (medium-sized).

But clearly, I would need to focus on...the container.  And its clarity. And the fact that it's from Target, as Don later reports.

So, for now, my day job stays.


*Not judging as much as being completely completely fascinated.


mjs said...

there is always biblical erotica...oh, wait...

mjs said...

there is always biblical erotica written in Elizabethan English...oh, wait

Firehorse said...

There must be something in the air because in the last 2 weeks someone sent ME a link to Dinoporn and then Amazon decided that my search results were so fucked up (pun intended) that Amazon started recommending Dinoporn to me too. I could have happily lived the rest of my life without knowing about Dinoporn.

in bed with married women said...

mjs. right! see also: post on Stillman's Genesis Deflowered. ( Stillman's biblical erotica written in Elizabethan English got his ass on TV. Maybe would have been more times, if he would have added some sexy crickets.

Firehorse, my friend is getting ads for vaginal mesh, so perhaps you're still ok. anyway, I felt happy and unjaded to see that there are still fetishes unknown to me (cricket sex! ant hill fucking!) that i get to learn about. whee!

Jim said...

I did think of you when I saw this story, but I figured you already knew.

I think the audience for this is women who read a lot, read everything. They read literature and they read Danielle Steele. They love the sarcasm and how these make fun of romance novels.

Firehorse said...

After finding the 50 gallon tub of lube on Amazon I seriously doubt my Amazon search will ever be ok again. In fact the results to my Amazon/Google searches are so "adult" that I have arranged that my best friend will travel from Wales (expenses paid) to clear my internet history should I die unexpectedly...

Whores & Hookers said...

I need that 50 gallon tub of lube please. A-M-A-Z-O-N-D-O-T-C-O-M

Little Queen Fish said...

But have you seen the dinosaur sex toys? Head on over to if you want to see the...accoutrements to accompany dinoporn.

in bed with married women said...

firehouse, that my friend is EXCELLENT thinking.

W and H, oh yes, enjoy.

Little Queen Fish, you little temptress. I now must go there at once.

Dave said...

Google Image Search: Chuck Tingle.

You are welcome.

Jill Hamilton said...

Spiffy I was actually afraid to google into completely unknown territory but worth it!

Anonymous said...

Hi, Jill. OK, see if you can get an option to do the screenplay for "Antman 2: Love Bites." That would be the porno-comedy one. There could be a spy movie where after the spy is captured they cath the guy and let the ants crawl in. 'Nuff of that.

When you get a moment, please check my new post on LI and LIKE it like big time. I'm trying to pull in an agent for my novel and the more likes the better. Grazie!


Unknown said...

Did not know this stuff existed.great.