Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Okay, ONE more thing about vaginas. Then I'm done. Possibly.

I was recently dog sitting at a friend's house and, to my credit/surprise, I didn't swim naked in her pool, find her dog using my favorite vibrator as a chew toy or have an inadvertent fellatio experience with her dog (on me, it was...complicated).  

However I did tart up her Apple TV by putting THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES on her "recently watched" queue, there for anyone to see.  

(In related news, I am available for dog sitting! I don't charge much, but on the other hand, I am not that good at it.)  

It was actually the first time I'd seen The Vagina Monologues performed, but it reminded me of this post on the book from waaaaay back in 2012, a time when young, innocent us knew little of what complete assholes some of our fellow humans were.  

Take my hand, will you, and travel back to that sweeter time when we could just hang out and talk vaginas.  

(And if you're wondering, I still have a weird prudishness with the word "vagina."  It's okay. I don't feel that bad about it. Even Eve Ensler, Little Miss Vagina Monologues, wrote "Doesn't matter how many times you say it, it never sounds like a word you want to say." Which, yeah.  I'm tentatively testing out "pussy" but it feels weird and obvious every time I say it, like "I am saying 'pussy' and we are all uncomfortable now.")


Today I'll tell you a quick story from the book I just read which is--this will come as no surprise to you--The Vagina Monologues.

I'm telling you the story because it's just so fucking heartbreaking but also to remind us (me) why it's important to talk about this $%$# even though some people (well, this one dude on reddit who said I'm like a 12 year old boy) think it's unladylike. (Motherfucker calling me unladylike! What the fuckity fuck?....oh...yeah...I see.)

In the story, Eve Ensler interviews an old lady from Queens who was extremely hesitant about talking about her "down-there." "What's a smart girl like you talking to old ladies about their down-theres for?" she barks. After much prodding, she finally tells about the last time she ventured down there, in 1953. The woman--let's call her, oh, Agnes--tells about a date she had with Andy Leftkov, a real catch, a cute tall boy who asked her to take a drive in his new Chevy.

She and Andy were sitting in the car, recalled Agnes when "he just kissed me in this surprisingly 'Take me by control like they do in the movies' kind of way. And I got excited, so excited, and, well, there was a flood down there. I couldn't control it. It was like this force of passion, this river of life just flooded out of me, right through my panties, right onto the car seat of his new white Chevy BelAir."

Instead of realizing he'd found himself one hot little number, Andy was horrified. He said she'd stained the car seat and that she was a "weird, smelly girl." Agnes tried to explain that the kiss had caught her off guard and that she normally wasn't like this, but Andy drove her home in silence and never spoke to her again. "When I got out and closed his car door, I closed the whole store. Locked it. Never opened for business again. I dated some after that, but the idea of flooding made me too nervous. I never even got close again," said Agnes.

Years later Agnes got cancer and the surgeons pretty much cleared out her reproductive system, thus ending any worries about flooding ever again.

When Ensler asks Agnes a typically squirm-inducing Vagina Monologues-esque question, "If your vagina wore something, what would it wear?" Agnes replies, "It would wear a big sign: 'Closed Due to Flooding.'"

As the interview ends, Agnes says, "You happy? You made me talk--you got it out of me. You got an old lady to talk about her down-there. You feel better now?" [Turns away; turns back.] "You know, actually, you're the first person I ever talked to about this, and I feel a little better."

Knowledge is power, brothers and sisters.


(photo source)


Unknown said...

Ok, I'm a guy and that is just sad. I mean, she denied herself so much when she decided to do that. I really feel bad for her and all she missed out on.

Anonymous said...

Andy Leftkov was an ignorant asshat, but it was a misogynistic cultural trope wherein women are "dirty" that made normal lubrication so humiliating to both of them. I am glad that girls now learn their "down-theres" are NORMAL with NORMAL reactions. Well, they are learning that everywhere but in Tennessee.

Anonymous said...

That's a really sad story. To not have any sexual experiences through your whole life because of one early event is a terrible loss. She's very brave to have told her story.

Sandra Davies said...

Oh god ...the wasted years ...

Unknown said...

That's really sad, especially since understanding your libidonous drives is integral to developing self-identity. Usually, a lot of women wait away 20 years of their life through an unsatisfying marriage before they break free and realize their sexual peak. Thanks to this blog and a very open-minded generation, I pretty much know how to please myself, what I want from men, and how I can please them. IBWMW should've been around when she was going out with that ass shat.

Mandy_Fish said...

This makes me want to cry.

dirtycowgirl said...

So sad.

But it makes me very glad I live now and not then. As you say knowledge is indeed power.

Leah said...

It kind of explains the sexual ignorance of the times, doesn't it?

You're readers should know however, that the Vagina Monologues isn't ALL doom and gloom. I've seen the stage show and yes, it made me cry in places ...... but then my face HURT with laughing.

Maya said...

What Mandy_Fish said :(

Maya said...

What Mandy_Fish said :(

in bed with married women said...

Eric, I know, esp. because she seemed particularly responsive. She didn't just miss out on a regular ol' sex life, but possibly a really really good one.
betty, the people of tennessee will be dealing with you later.
dicky, i agree. seems like at least it was a relief for her to finally spill it.
Sandra, fo' shizzle.
Leila, so different now. even my gen. has a bunch of residual prudery that newer gens don't have.
Mandy, making people cry is probably not good business-wise. might need to rethink my plan here.
dirty,that was my best and at the same time weirdest compliment of the day.
Leah, would be curious what you took from it. the book is sort of the show, i think, but also kind meta, like about the show at the same time.
Maya, yes and also yes.

Kristy said...

I am 35 and have been sexually activity since I was 22, was married for 4 years and done plenty of screwing around before and since the divorce but it's only been in the last two years that I've encountered my first partner who didn't make me feel like a circus side show because of my particular "flooding" issue. In fact, first one who made me think of it as something really fucking awesome and not an "issue". (sadly, he married someone else recently but it was a very freeing experience, nonetheless.) I consider myself a pretty enlightened modern woman and yet I can still totally sympathize with Agnes. I spent years not being able to entirely let go in sexual situations because I was worried I'd flood the whole affair. My ex-husband used to stop mid-shag to grab a towel and "tidy up a bit" because he was off-put by my "ridiculous wetness".

Poor Agnes. I feel her pain. So thankful that my horniness overpowered the shame put forth by earlier partners.

Kelly Borsheim Artist said...

Hello there, Jill!

I enjoyed this post [too]. Especially because recently while online dating, I met a man who practices OM ... outside of the organization...

Anyway, while chatting, he used the word "pussy," which I find incredibly vulgar.

I spoke to a couple of girlfriends about this and they feel the same [even one in Italy, an Italian! felt that way about our English word].

Then the older-than-me American girlfriend looked up vagina or pussy in the Urban Dictionary.

What a shocker!

Do you know that about half of the slang words about girly bits are just references for what they can do to or for men? That does not seem right.

But also, we agreed that there are not that many enticing words about our bodies... I mean, boobs are cute, no? round... not like tits that seems like teets which makes me think of multiples and triangles... ie. not voluptuous or feminine, despite my love of triangles.. but I digress.

However, I live in Italy and one slang word they use for vagina is Fica. The male version Fico means fig. And the words are often confused by foreigners... however, a fig is often symbolic of lady parts...

and I told Mr. OM that I do not want him to ever use 'pussy' when he is around me [although he explained that in the program, they TELL the men and the women to use that word and nothing else really... to own it, as it were, and I accepted that he meant no offense, but still wanted him to refrain around me]. For me, the P word is as bad as the N word and I have no desire to hear either ever again, from anyone.

I told Mr. OM that it is far more sexy to have one's private sexy parts referred to as a lush, ripe, delicious, colorful fruit than a cat whose personality is often suspect.

Anyway, it seems that women of my generation and maybe even ten years younger [I am 54] do find 'pussy' to be vulgar and unpleasant to hear, while vagina is simply too sterile.

I vote for FICA.

Happy writing,


~ Kelly Borsheim, sculptor, painter, writer
Thank you for supporting and getting updates at:

Jill Hamilton said...

Susan for me it's context too. Like calling someone a pussy or a cunt (while completely unfeminist etc) seems less embarrassing that using them to refer to a part. i really am such a fucking prude.

and kelly I feel like finding an OM person might be like, the golden ticket. and yeah they do say pussy there. and sell shirts that say "powered by pussy," which I did not buy.

I could be down with fica (fica or feeeca?) I briefly considered calling it/her Ethel Merman as well. But that would be a bad idea, I now realize.