Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Week In Misguided Googlers

As I've noted more that is probably reasonable (see also: Open Message to Terribly Disappointed New Readers and Sorry, No Explicit Pictures of "Penis in Vagina") I am consistently fascinated/amused/freaked out by the search terms people use that dump them unceremoniously here at In Bed With Married Women.

You see, no one ever searches for "wittyish blog about sex which, even though it's about sex, is difficult--if not impossible--to jack off to." Not that I can blame them--it is a bit wordy. Thus we are stuck with the dregs of search terms. I think Google gives us the searchers they don't know quite what to do with. This perhaps explains how the searcher who typed in "what say women uncut hair of penice and vagina can give more enjoyable sex?" landed bleary-eyed and confused here at In Bed. ("Women up the man in in bed" searcher, I'm talking to you, too.)

The tortured syntax, the untraditional "penice" spelling...oh you don't know the half of it. How about "pinnes bleach," "how to make my wife whim and groan in bed," "women hand jop &fucking the bedroom" and, my personal fave, "newely married women shoes her nacked body." I know some of these people are probably typing with one hand, but still... I can't help but conjure up the image of the woman with the nacked body enjoying a view of her lover's penice, perhaps followed by a hand jop then a "fucking of the bedroom," though the last part about them fucking the bedroom is sort of difficult to picture since I don't know what the hell it means.

Then there are the highly specific fetish searches. That would be "porn images of womens to wear female condon," "pictures of women anal bleaching," "sexy fursuit boobs" (as opposed to the unsexy kind, I suppose) and "train yourself to take a dildo deep in your colon." (Don't bother me now, I'm in training.) The searcher who typed in "fat anal blogger" was also sent to me, and don't think I'm happy about that one. Ditto for "women with saggy breasts are good lovers."

But my favorite search this week came from U.K. Google: "free pictures of female penile handling." I know Brits are supposed to be a bit more buttoned-up than Yanks, but "female penile handling"? Really? "I do say, Miss, might I trouble you for a spot of female penile handling?" (It's a nice touch that this person is unwilling to pay for their pix of penile handling.)

I will leave you today with this question posed by one searcher, who was perhaps overly trusting in Google to solve his ethical dilemma. "Is it wrong to fantasize about a married women?" he typed in fearfully. I say, "Geez, dude, get it together--even Jimmy Carter admitted to lust in his heart." But then I write an un-jackoffable sex blog, so I might be biased. What do you think?


Anonymous said...

Guess the "I'm feeling lucky" feature on Google isn't so lucky. No nacked or neked or nood pics of penile handling - distinctly unlucky.

Hills said...

First, I don't think your blog IS in fact unjackoffable. I've just finished a most rewarding session, after only a few posts...

I keed. (No I don't.)

I must confess, however, that I have fallen deeply and uncontrollably in love with your little corner fo the web world, and therefore devote myself to you fully until and unless you commit any of the following unfogiveable sins:

1. Start posting about kids (yours or others). V unsexy and not a little bit frightening. (They're so...small...((shiver)))

2. Insult or otherwise suggest that Javier Bardem is NOT the most moisture-inducing man God (or, you know, whoever) ever created.

3. STOP using words like jackoffable (or indeed UNjackoffable).

Until then, consider yourself the proud new owner of an Ameri-Brit "worshipper". (But not the creepy, candles, altars and bad quality pirated photos kind.)

(Unless that does something for you, in which case, fill your boots.)

- B

Dan Pearce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hmm... If it's pageviews you're after meebee you should add those misspellings / unfortunate phrases to your metadata. You'll get the number one search ranking for "hair of penice" in no time.

(nothing's as unjerkoffable as unsolicited SEO advice)

Unknown said...

I can see one reason why many of these searches ascribed to your blog seem like they were written by inebriated, thumbless, one-handed monkeys:

they use a touch screen on their itouch/iphone/droid/smart phone here

my iphone has embarrassing annals of my seemingly-illiterate moments on Safari. This includes, "Leeko Sorte in [town here]" when I meant to type "Violin store in [town here]" but yeah...

By the way I almost died reading this (especially when I got to the "penile handling" part. Oh god... that hit the spot... the funny spot anyway). Expect the next comment from me as proof of both my addiction to your blog, and my death. At least I died laughing!