Wednesday, April 27, 2016

On Masturbation. And My Two, Possibly Three, Favorite Sex Toys.

Photo by Jimmy Detroit
"Your kisses are as wicked as an F-16/and you fuck like a volcano and you're everything to me," Liz Phair, Supernova.

Do you know the grand fuckery of which she speaks? The insane lust, the deep primal wanting, "Lips sweet and slippery/Like a cherub's bare wet ass." God, I do.

The thing is, most of the time I'm not there. And, given what you've been telling me lately, I think the same might be true for a lot of you.

If your sex life is such that masturbation is what's happening, and you'd like to fuck around (quite literally) with some new technology, I have a couple toy suggestions for you and that lonely bed of yours.

Why should you listen to me? Well, I'll tell you, smarty-pants.

--Between writing for Cosmo, AlterNet and this blog, I have had to put a fuck of a lot of whirring, sucking, vibrating things between my legs. Because that is MY JOB. Yes. God, or The Force or whatever, is good.

--Something about Malcolm Gladwell's theory of putting in 10,000 hours at anything to become an expert. 

Yes, my friends, I have been to the mountain top, sex toy-wise, and I've come back down, limping a little but full of Wisdom, to tell you my top two suggestions.

--If you are only buying one toy:

Oh darlin', I will rock your world.
The LELO Ora 3 The World's Most Sophisticated Oral Sex Simulator is expensive as hell but, damn, the thing is an excellent lay. It ministers to you via various vibration patterns and a little ball that makes lazy little circles or half-circles exactly where you want it to. You can just cycle though the patterns, and it feels like the best lover you ever had. I'm totally serious. It even seems to know exactly how long to pause before you completely lose it.

On the other hand, I looked at the Amazon reviews and some other people said it was weak, or unsuitable or whatever, so remember that everyone's body is different and just because I tell you to put something between your legs doesn't mean you'll like it as much as I did. (You should, however, DEFINITELY listen to my advice to never put that Sqweel whirlygig thing anywhere near your cooter. Trust me on this.
Man, that smarts.
(Further disclaimer: if you buy the Ora through this link, Amazon will give me like 2% or something. So if you buy like 28 million of them, I should be pretty good. Trickle down economics in action!)

--If you want to spring for 2 toys:
Allow me

I'd recommend the Womanizer, used in tandem with a g-spot vibrator (any will do, I use a Butterfly Bliss because I got it for free.) Between the gentle sort of suction motion of the Womanizer (maybe give it a different name in your head) and the low throbs of g-spot vibe on the inside, you will be a wreck, in the finest of ways.

(And yes, if you use the link to buy Das Womanizer and/or the Bliss, Good Vibrations will send me a 20% kickback, so you'd only need to buy about 3 million of them.)

Anyway, I'm not telling you this so you buy some merch, I'm saying it to sort of mark a shift in my head. Sex can be beautiful and scary and transcendent and super hot (or not.) And yes, of course it's preferable to have someone going mad for the way your boobs look when you unhook your bra, and being with someone brave enough dive into that Unknown with you, and just sort of bearing witness to whatever goes down. (Perhaps an agreeable Quaker, experienced in bearing witness, would be good here....though perhaps I'm not fully understanding the concept.)

However, even if it's just you, sans pervy Quaker, that sexual force is still there. And it seems hugely important to activate that power, whether by hand, sexy sucking toy thing or any non-Sqweel partner.

Henceforth, when loving the one I'm with is, I am hereby ditching my previous habit of taking note of all the ways I am not sharing that experience (i.e. "Holy hell, they'd love to see this, hear this, feel this...") and getting all tragic about it. (For the record: Sobbing and coming at the same time is indeed dramatic and occasionally hot, but not that great as a Everyday Lifestyle Choice.)

Instead I'm going to revel in what does go down. It's still good. Sometimes damn good. And like jMadsen, but less naked, I will transfer that energy out into the damn world.

Huzzah, motherfuckers.


P.S. If you'd like to order a print of the Jimmy Detroit photo above, email him at or contact him via  Facebook. Friend of the Blog, Great Guy! Plus real Art, highly affordable!


Jim said...

Luckily I stopped being religious in 8th grade, when my Catholic parents stopped giving a fuck, but it's still interesting to note what some have said about masturbation and sin.

"Masturbation is a sin. But not a bigga sin." (noted religious scholar Father Guido Sarducci)

And the problem with sex toys for men is the clean up. As soon as they make self-cleaning fuck dolls, I'll probably be into it. But considering how rarely I do laundry or load my dishwasher, I'm thinking sex toys in this apartment would be a toxic waste issue.

in bed with married women said...

Anon, i was thinking that too.

jim, thanks for that mental picture.

Fitzlurker said...

There are many ways to love yourself, from taking that extra moment to savor the donut, to talking to yourself about how awesome you are. Sometimes you need to get a bit more personal. There should be no shame in that.

Fitzlurker said...

There are many ways to love yourself, from taking that extra moment to savor the donut, to talking to yourself about how awesome you are. Sometimes you need to get a bit more personal. There should be no shame in that.

Jill Hamilton said...

Fitzlurker, fitzlurker, yes, true. You get it. I was also trying to get at a point less about getting rid of shame and more about getting rid of a feeling of lack, or sadness or something. xoxo to you.

Anonymous said...

Ola, Jeel!

I must say, it's pretty amazing the advancements they've made in sex toy design since the days when state of the art was a giant "Peter North" model rubber phallus. The first one looks like the latest Wi-Fi speaker, while the other . . . hell, I don't know, maybe a fancy schmancy ear wax removal tool? Neither screams, "Let me pleasure you," that's for sure. Good to know they work well.


Jill Hamilton said...

Hey Brad! Good to hear from you! I thing it helped that there's always been sexual tension between me and ear wax removal tools.

lapsedcatholic said...

I have through various links via other blogs stumbled onto this and I am so pleased I have. It is so informative and makes excellent reading. I am visiting a sex shop in London tomorrow to purchase an app controlled vibrator and also to buy some sex toy cleaner, although I have put some items in the dishwasher!

Jill Hamilton said...

lapsedcatholic, yay! let me know what you think of what you get, if you're feelin brave.