Real Sex Lives: Dusky, "I have had one great love and one great lover, and they are not the same man."

I chose this to illustrate the concept of having two balls in
the air.  However, not quite sure why model has made a
couch fort of those (exceptionally stylish!) throw pillows. 

(You have arrived in the midst of a grand celebration in which we're re-running IBWMW's all-time greatest Real Sex Stories. So get comfortable there and have a look.)

Real Sex Lives, nee True Wife's Tales, are an occasional feature of In Bed With Married Women. ("Occasional," as Webster defines it, "whenever I am too fucking lazy to write a new post and/or someone happens to send one in.")

The idea behind them is that when someone (originally it was just wives, but really, it can be anyone) tells the truth about their sex life (or lack thereof), we all Learn and Grow, and can thus scamper unfettered out into the world to have freer, better--I don't know--somehow truer sex.

At the very least, RSTs allow you to indulge in the lower pleasures of Voyeurism and/or Judging.* So enjoy.

We are starting with one of my very favorites, a three-parter, from Dusky, a woman who I love so much we've become virtual friends even though she lives far, far away.

xoxo
jill

*Judge all you want, but keep that $%$# to yourself, please. These are real people being brave and 'fessing up.


Dusky, early 30s.

     Jill, thank you for your blog, it is a great read… and also a great comfort to read different experiences of love & sex. 
     I feel I live with a secret pain... I get a pang of hurt every time it is suggested that great sex & great love go hand in hand.  I feel surrounded by the idea that naturally the greatest sex of your life will be with the love of your life. The implication being that sex is a litmus test of the true inner feelings of two people, that if you really loved one another, the sex would be spectacular.
     I have had one great love and one great lover, and they are not the same man.
     My husband and I had a very romantic story, falling head-over-heels in love almost instantly and moving in together in less than two weeks. We stayed up all night talking, talking, talking… and by day we spent hours on end just sitting, gazing at one another and sighing. In between the talking and the gazing, we did manage some sex too. I don't remember if it was great sex then, it was just part of celebrating our enraptured love, taking our physical closeness and affection to the extreme.
     Since the 'in love' phase of our relationship has faded, we are still a ludicrously happy couple. We are best friends, and true partners. I never thought I would want to live with someone full-time, but having found the right person to live with my life is a constant joy, full of love, affection, fun & laughter. Friends and family consider us soul-mates, strangers can see how compatible we are. And everyone assumes our public physical affection is a sign of the great sex we must be having at home.
     The reality is sex has always been the less satisfying aspect of our relationship, particularly for me. After 5 years of trying to train my well-meaning husband to please me, I have pretty much given up.  We have agreed to an open marriage as I feel it is the only chance to get the satisfaction I crave. We continue to have fun, loving sex within our marriage, but now I can look outside for the intense, smouldering, sensual passion that I have missed.
     I have reignited communication with a man from my past. We never lost contact, but until recently we only shared rare & friendly messages. Now we are all the way back to regular, completely sexual communication: describing in detail what we want to do to one another, even sharing porographic photographs of ourselves.  For now it is a little thrill, in the hope that we will make it a reality someday (we live in different countries). I am sure he is not the only man who can satisfy me physically, but he happens to be the one I have experienced who can. The sex with this man was well beyond any other sex I have had. I've always enjoyed sex, I tend to be quite uninhibited, but this man knew how to really blow my mind. Sometimes I am overcome with vivid memories of that sex and I just ache to experience it again.  For some reason we felt an instant physical attraction to one another, and somehow that translated to an intense physical chemistry and sexual compatibility.
     I believe I have two mates in this life, one that meets all my mental and emotional needs, another who meets my physical needs. And generally, my little arrangement which allows me both makes me very happy. But sometimes I am very sad that they are not the same person, that the man I love can't really experience this sensual side of me. It is hard to have sex conversations (and I do love sex conversations!) with anyone other than people I know VERY well. People probably think I'm being prudish when I fail to join in their talk of sexy times with their partners, when I am just hiding the truth that the spectacular sex I would like to be talking about was with someone else entirely.
     An old friend told me a story years ago, before I met my husband. She said a friend had a most wonderful partner, they all adored him and thought she was the luckiest girl on earth to have snagged such a kind, beautiful person. They couldn't understand why she wasn't sure about the relationship. Then one day she confided in them - he was bad in bed. My friend said they reacted as though she'd said he had cancer - they just felt so sorry for her.
     Well my husband isn't entirely useless in bed, but I know how that woman felt. When you're with a wonderful man who is bad in bed, everyone else sees this perfect relationship on the outside, and don't how much it hurts to hide the frustration you feel on the inside.

Would you like to tell your own story? Just sit down at the computer, rip your heart out, and jot the results down in an email and send it to:  jillhamilton001@gmail.com

(photo source)

Real Sex Lives: Lucia, "Not all infidelity automatically makes you a jerk."

The following Real Sex Lives* arrived in my inbox with no explanation, save for the subject "Musings for the blog." It was from someone I'll call Lucia.

When I post these, I generally pull a quote from the essay for the title, and when I asked a friend what he thought of the one above, he said, "I think it sounds delusional." Meaning, any and all infidelity did indeed make one a jerk. Period.

But...what if your spouse was...oh, in a coma or something for a long time and mentally and physically unavailable?  Or what if they had no interest in fucking you--and in fact, would not fuck you--for 23 years? Or what if they were a loving spouse, a terrific parent and all that, but just didn't really get sex? Can you create chemistry where none lives? Is it wrong to yearn for the kind of passionate fuckery that makes your whole body hum? Is it all wrong, or is there some sort of continuum of wrongness with some points being...not so wrong.

I am more in the gray area on the subject, but maybe that's because I'm reading Dan Savage's latest book, American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics, particularly the chapter, "It's Never Okay to Cheat (Except When It Is)." In it, Savage argues that we are "monogamish." "I believe we should place a higher value on marital stability than we place on marital monogamy," he writes. That is, tossing out a largely working, good marriage over an infidelity is not always the only and best choice. We pair bond, mostly. And maybe we should figure out a way to work with that. Savage writes "as a society we have a responsibility to adjust people's expectation about marriage."

Tell me where you are on this lately. Not necessarily on Lucia's situation, but the issue in general. If your spouse cheated, would you toss them to the curb? Does infidelity automatically make you a jerk? Is it, indeed, all wrong?

Anyway, here's Lucia:

It sounds funny to say but I don't really remember exactly how we met. I know one of us posted to Craigslist, but I don't remember which of us or whether it was in Strictly Platonic or what... I think it must have been because I knew from the get-go that not only was he married and 20+ years older than I was, but that he was also... not attractive to me.  I had like, zero draw to him in "that way."  But he was smarter than pretty much everyone else I knew, was incredibly interesting, and always picked up the check at lunch.

For years it went on, meeting for lunch, talking about life.  He never, ever did anything inappropriate. Occasionally there would be some innuendo, but it was never overdone.  I got engaged and moved away; his goodbye kiss had more oomph than I was expecting and I flipped out a little.  In retrospect that wasn't fair of me to do... he'd just lingered a little more than I'd wanted.  But, I was moving 1500 miles away and it was hard to say goodbye and maybe being mad made it easier.  I left him behind and we didn't talk for two years.

By the time I came back, my life had changed: I was still married, but it wasn't a happy marriage, and my husband was living in a different country. I found myself thinking about my friend and missing him, which I hadn't in the years I'd been away.   I reached out with an e-mail, and he responded within minutes.  It wasn't even awkward: when I saw him, I gave him a big hug and we just stood there for a long time, with the hostess waiting to seat us, probably tapping her foot the whole time.

It wasn't awkward but it was different.  I didn't realize it at first, but it was there: we were looking at each other differently. My 20s were over, I was much more comfortable in myself, and I saw him differently too: he wasn't just an amusing way to pass two hours over lunch. I found myself thinking about him and about what it would be like to touch each other. I was pretty sure it wouldn't go very far, he'd been faithful to his wife their entire marriage (despite opportunities) and they'd been married since I was 12--but I was curious what would happen if I hit on him.  So... I sent him a suggestive e-mail, and he responded with a hard-core explicit one.  And we talked like that, via e-mail, about stuff we'd never talked about through all the years that had passed.  And then... I invited him over.

I think we were both shaking when we laid down together.  This was the only time we'd ever really been awkward around each other, ever.  And when he kissed me, that line got crossed.  We both knew that but it felt so good, and it'd been well-considered and accepted.  I asked him to go slow, and he did, and we just kissed and petted for a few weeks.  I don't know how long that would have gone on, probably a long time.  But then something happened, and I got hurt.  And it was him that I called, he came and got me and took me home from the hospital.  And something switched in me, and all the awkwardness was gone, and I wrapped myself around him that night.  

That was two years ago.  Our friendship remains--we rely on each other for advice and honesty, levity and Words With Friends and of course, wonderful, amazing sex like neither of us has had before.  We both work in fields where we can help each other personally with our professional knowledge and resources; we go to endless movies when we can.  We're working through Sons of Anarchy.  We send each other e-mail "status updates" frequently.  But there are places we don't go: I know he is in love with his wife; that doesn't bother me.  Because he loves her, she is just a topic we don't really discuss, except in passing--he feels that it would be an intrusive violation of her privacy to discuss her (I agree).  I even saw her once, at a distance, at an event we were all attending--and I didn't really have a response, it just... was.  Their relationship is a lifelong commitment upon which a family and an entire life has been built.  My role is different--I'm an escape from that, a chance to do something that is only for him, that doesn't benefit them in any way... just his.  And as far as I can tell, I'm the only thing he does for himself.  I make it my goal to appreciate him for who he is, to be a joy to him the way he is for me: again, something just for him, not his wife or kids or coworkers, just him.

And for me?  Well, the sex is truly amazing (yeah he's not the hottest guy ever, but it turns out those 20+ years of additional experience count for something!) not the least of which because he is so turned into me that I don't ever have to ask for anything, he just knows to do it.  But also, I'm single now (marriage ended in there somewhere, for reasons unrelated) and I don't want to be in a full relationship yet.  He gives me the perfect middle ground: a strong, long-term friendship, someone to talk to but with all the space I need for me.  Obviously this is not a long-term thing, eventually I will want more from a guy, but for now, I don't.  

We made an agreement that when it came time to end things, either one of us could do it without drama.  Neither of us are dramatic people, so though I am sure one of us will feel a little stingy for a while, we'll get over it.  Unless something catastrophic happens (read: wife) I think we'll find our way to another type of relationship, without the whole sex component.  I know this is a dangerous game, and I don't take it lightly--but I am so grateful for him, and he for me.  He is truly my friend, and proof that not all infidelity automatically makes you a jerk.  If this guy is a jerk, there are no nice people out there.   

***
There you have it. If you want to share your real sex story--be brave and go deep!--send it to jillhamilton001@gmail.com

xoxox
jill

*The name True Wife's Tales has become too limiting for these real life sex story things. You're smart and clever--what should we start calling them now?

(photo: Lady Cheeky)

True Wife's Tale #3: Noelle, Finding Sex Outside Of Her (Practically) Sexless Marriage

(You have arrived in the midst of a grand celebration in which we're running IBWMW's all-time favorite Real Sex Lives. This one is way from the beginning of the blog when I was trying to do a sociological take on marital sex. So I started talking to women about their stories, asking them excessively personal questions like a overly randy Studs Terkel).

"I have a sex drive like a man's," says Noelle. For almost 20 years, she tried to get her husband to move beyond their once-a-month, routine sex, but for whatever reason, this made him uncomfortable. Not only did this do a number on her self-esteem, but it deprived her of the fulfilling sex life she felt she deserved. Noelle, a vibrant, bright, gorgeous woman, wasn't ready to accept a practically sexless existence for the rest of her life, but also wasn't willing to break her marriage up over it. Her solution? Noelle, who travels for business, started picking up men she meets when she's out of town. In her mind, it's the perfect solution. Her marriage stays together, she is no longer pestering her husband for sex and, well, I'm sure picking up some dude in the hotel bar is a lot more entertaining than my general hotel plan, i.e. bedridden and watching excessive amounts of cable.

In Bed: What has been your experience with married sex?

Noelle: Well, unfortunately I got one of the few men who isn’t thinking about sex all the time. I don’t know how or why that happened, but my husband and I don’t have a lot of sex and, when we do, it’s pretty much the same.

In Bed: Did you ever try to get him to expand his sexual horizons?

Noelle: I went through a stage where I was trying everything I could think of. I would buy sexy lingerie, and come out wearing it, and literally get told, “Yeah, you’re in the way of the television.” It was kind of like the jokes on “Married With Children.” I tried buying toys, and that intimidated him. I tried telling him fantasies. And, not only did it not turn him on, it was almost the opposite. He seemed almost offended by what he viewed as my being kinky.

In Bed: How did that make you feel?

Noelle: Like crap. (laughs) I started wondering what was wrong with me. I thought I looked pretty good. I’m not fat. I keep myself up. I wear sexy clothes. But I never said anything about my situation to anyone. I was way too embarrassed to say, “My husband’s not interested in me.”

In Bed: Did you decide that you’d just have to accept the situation?
Noelle: It wasn’t acceptable. But we have three children, and I didn’t want to break up--I still don’t want to break up--that family unit. It just doesn’t seem right for them to have to pay for what’s going on. But the thought of once a month, boring sex with no orgasms going on for the rest of my life was not acceptable. I just didn’t know what I was going to do about it.

In Bed: You sound like you figured something out.

Noelle: I’m not proud of it, but yeah, I did. It kind of happened by accident. I got a new job a couple of years ago that requires me to travel. Around that time, I think I was going through some kind of mid-life crisis and had a lot of things going through my head. And suddenly I had this opportunity. I think it was on the third trip that I met someone who I found very attractive. I could tell that I was attractive to him as well. He smiled across the room, kind of the typical stuff. He came over and talked to me. He was married as well and had been married for many years. We spent many hours, talking and flirting--something I hadn’t done in God knows how long. I felt really really attractive and very sexual. We ended up having a one-night stand.

In Bed: How was it?

Noelle: It was fantastic.(laughs) He was the best kisser imaginable. It was very very intimate and it went on for hours. It was like nothing I’d ever had. I’m not going to say it was easy. I had never done that before so that was hard. And because of our situations, we never kept in contact. I got hurt emotionally and that was very very hard. But the sexual part of it was incredible.

When I went back home, I felt bad, and I tried to make it work with my husband. I bought new clothes and tried again to be really sexy and extra nice. But everything was still the same. I think in my mind, I just reached the conclusion, “He isn’t interested and this really isn’t hurting anyone, so this is what I’m going to do.

In Bed: How many times have these affairs happened?

Noelle: Eight, nine, something like that. Definitely under ten. It doesn’t happen every time, but when I go on these trips, if there is someone that I feel real sexual attraction to and who makes it apparent that he feels that way for me as well, we hook up.

In Bed: Describe an encounter.

Noelle: Once after a meeting, a group of us went out and had drinks. I saw another person at the bar. This person wasn’t on a trip--it was a local person. We were kind of looking at each other, but there were other people around and I didn’t want anyone to know. I was very careful about it. I just kind of stayed. Some of the other people wanted me go back with them, but I said, “No, no, I’m fine.” Once they left, he walked over and we started talking and he was just extremely sexy. We started talking about things, sexual things, and he started hinting around about things he liked to do. It was so different. My husband would never--the thought of these things would turn him off. And here’s someone saying “I’m very interested. Would you be interested?” in a very hot way. And I was interested. We went back and did things that I had only imagined.

In Bed: Are these encounters quickies or are they longer than that?
Noelle: The first one was hours. I had one for two nights that lasted for hours. But yeah, there have been a couple where it’s been quick and that’s really hard. There was one man in particular who left fairly quickly afterwards. I don’t know if that’s just a man-woman thing, but that was a little difficult to have him basically say, “Gee, thanks” and walk out. But that really hasn’t been the regular case.

I take it you want some details.

In Bed: Okay.

Noelle: One man I was with was very adventurous. While we were making out, which went on forever, he started asking me what I liked best. He told me, “Whatever you want, I’ll do.” I mean, I was like “Oh, God!” He could last a long time and he kept on changing positions. It was something I’d never had happen. He’d start face to face, then turn me around, then put legs here, then let’s go to the edge of the bed, let’s stand, let’s turn you again. Some of the positions were very effective, so to speak. There were things like going from behind and putting the legs together. It created a lot more stimulation.

In Bed: Hmmm, thanks for the tip.

Noelle: Another one that particularly sticks out is a man who could really talk dirty. He said, “Do you want me to eat your pussy?” and before I could answer, he was there doing it. He told me what to do, like, “Take off my pants. If you want me, you have to do it.” My husband had no interest in that kind of talk so to have someone say these things was a very big turn on. It was the total contrast. And the feeling of being so desired--that someone would be so turned on that they would want to do and say these things was--and is--such a reason that I think it’s becoming addicting.

In Bed: Are there any of these guys you’d like to see again?

Noelle: I was at one place and I saw this very young guy. I was initially wildly attracted to him. He had tattoos all over his arms--I guess you call them sleeves--which is not something I would normally go for. I walked over to him--which is not normally the case. We talked maybe 20 or 30 minutes before we went to his room. It was this wild rush. I had literally only seen this guy for 20 minutes. We knew what we were going to do. It was like a chemical reaction. He was just so hot that I really didn’t care. (laughs)

He had to rush out and get condoms. When I was in the room waiting--it was probably one of the most exciting things ever--sitting there thinking that he was rushing out to get condoms for me. And he did some things that I don’t think I ever really thought about being done.

In Bed: Such as?

Noelle: Oh wow. I’m a little embarrassed to say. I had never had anyone try to go through the back door, so to speak. He didn’t do that, but he put his finger in there. The shock lasted two seconds, then it felt incredible. It really wasn’t dirty. He was so gentle, and it felt fabulous. I think the shock part of it added to it because I never even thought someone would do that. He didn’t ask, but it wasn’t done in a mean, degrading way. This was something that he knew was going to be a turn-on and it really was. I lost my mind. He was going down on me at the same time so it was like, “Okay, this is incredible.” When you have a husband that doesn’t really like doing oral sex, then you have someone doing this, it was just mind-blowing. And after we were done, I swear, it only took him a minute before he told me he could go again. He’s actually the only man, besides my husband, that I’ve spent the night with, that I slept next to. Of anyone that I think of, he would be fun to meet again. Definitely.

In Bed: Is this a satisfactory situation for you then?

Noelle: Ideally, no. It’s not my ideal, but my husband doesn’t seem to suspect. I don’t think it even crosses his mind. So I don’t feel too bad because he’s not getting pressure from me and I’m still giving him what he wants. I’m very careful. I don’t do anything to put him at risk--which sometimes stinks because it would be hotter to be able to be a little reckless. Doing this keeps our family intact. I wish I didn’t have to do this, but there’s a real rush that comes from being out there and having someone finding you so hot and wanting you--especially after being with someone that doesn’t find me that sexy for whatever reason.

In Bed: What do you think your husband would do if he found out?

Noelle: He can’t ever find out. As a mother, I don’t want my kids to ever know. It’s not something that can come out. I think because it’s far away and because there are no entanglements--there are no phone numbers exchanged, there’s nothing along those lines--I feel it’s pretty safe. I don’t even flirt in front of coworkers. No one suspects anything. I think sometimes they just think I’m boring and want to stay in my hotel, stay in my room.

In Bed: Do you feel guilty?

Noelle: I feel guilty, but I do think that once you cross that barrier, it’s a lot easier to do it. But yeah, you definitely feel guilty. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I never thought that I would be doing this. When people read this, a lot of people will probably think, “This woman is just out whoring. What’s wrong with her? Can’t she be faithful?” And I think, “Why am I doing this? Why is this so important to me?” But I think biologically it just is. Sex is a basic need that needs to be met. In my case, I feel like I did everything possible and the options were either to break up my family and really hurt my kids, to be dissatisfied forever, or to do what I’m doing. Eventually I’ll probably stop, but not right now.

(image: some hotel room in Columbus, Ohio)