Thursday, January 26, 2012

Curse You, O Tepid Sex

From out there among you comes this tragic missive from dear reader Just Jack in response to Nicole Daedone's steamy-ass essay For Purposes of Example, This is the Best Fuck of My Life.*
Best post ever. And ultimately the most depressing to read and realize... my best years, where only a few precious moments were like Nicole's description (only from a dude's POV) were before age 21. 20+ yrs later, it's galling and terminally depressing to know, I will never again experience such a thing. Rather than wonder WTH I did wrong to marry a woman who has utterly no concept of any of this stuff... I'll just go back to work and be another walking dead 40-something dude. *puts bag on head and shambles off*
Ugh, so completely sad and horrible! And so... just... true. There's a certain particular hideousness to sexual loneliness within a marriage that is its own private torture. I mean, it's not really the kind of thing that people talk to each other about, despite it being, I think, quite common.

Witness this Twitter response--I won't identify the writer so as to not get him in trouble with the wife--to My Wife's Body by Anonymous Husband: "Sad post for me because I adore my wife but we have never had sexual chemistry and I feel that way about her being but not her body."


The problem here is a partner who is nice enough, a loving parent and all that, but they just don't...well...get sex. Or there is no chemistry. Mainly, and most depressingly, there is a completely upsetting lack of the kind of soul-shaking, hot mind/body fuckery that makes life worth living and whatnot.

Hmmm..... Well, when I am right in the middle of a good bitch session, my friend Leah is fond of saying pointedly, "Okay, we have identified the problem. Now let's work on solutions!" This sort of makes me want to punch her, because I do so enjoy complaining, but the girl has a point. So solutions. Anyone?

I mean, what's Jack to do? I somehow think that putting a bag on his head and shambling off--while being convenient as well as inexpensive--probably isn't the best solution here.

But can you teach someone passion? Can you create chemistry where none lives? Is it wrong to yearn for the kind of transcendent, universe pulsing sex that makes your whole body shake?

I have no clear solutions today--sorry Miss Leah--but I will offer you two routes that readers have taken. I neither endorse nor condemn either. Anyone who's making an honest, clear-headed effort to find workable solutions is okay in my book.

The first is from reader Noelle (not even close to her real name) who, faced with a sexless marriage and an uninterested husband, finally gave up and started having anonymous affairs during business trips. You can read about it here in Noelle: Finding Sex Outside Her (Practically) Sexless Marriage.

The second is from reader Liza who somehow managed to break a 10 year fuck-less marital stretch so definitively that her blog Always Each Other is pretty much a lovingly pornish detailing of the various and sundry ways she and her husband have their sweet sweet way with each other.**

Anyway, you there! You clearly have it all together, do you not? What say you to Jack and everyone else in this situation?

Place bag on head and forge ahead? Light sexual fire under reluctant spouse's ass? (Caution: use metaphorical fire only.) Say "fuck it" to social mores and possibly a fine-enough marriage by banging someone hot on the side? Go it alone with a willing hand and good memories? Channel unfulfilled lust into excessive interest in scrapbooking?

I thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.


*In the essay, Daedone--the gorgeous teacher/practitioner of Orgasmic Meditation (a practice which sounds about a thousand times more fun than focusing on your breath)--describes a really really good fuck. There were hugely swollen body parts, soaking wetness, something about a honey blanket orgasm. Whatever. The #$%$ was good.
** What the hell happened? According to Liza, "I don't know exactly when the buildup began, but sometime early last year I started to have...feelings. And then I felt like reading sexy stuff. And then I wanted to touch myself again."  Liza also makes passing mention of a "medical procedure" that helped with things. More info on that if she answers the rudely nosy email I sent her.


Pish Posh said...

What a brilliant post and set of questions. I am not fortunate in almost anything - except this, the fireworks with a loving partner.

But I know many who struggle with this issue and they generally take the cheating route and it is so hurtful and sad for everyone involved.

I can't wait to see what your readers say.

Anonymous said...

Oh, gosh, thanks for all you said about my blog! I will answer nosy emails to the best of my ability!

in bed with married women said...

Gia, this makes me think of what i forgot to write which was whether passion can be learned where there is no organic chemistry. I mean, in arranged marriages the people often say that they learned to love their chosen spouse. i wonder if they mean learned to love as in "we are wonderful companions" or learned to love as in "and they are so slammin'". Anyone want to take this one?

Pish Posh, I can't wait either. Prob'ly something smart. Real smart.

Liza, okay then. what was the medical treatment that changed things? (i told you it was nosy.)

in bed with married women said...

Liza, penner of Always Each Other, was good enough to answer my nosy email and had this to say:

--Without going into too much detail, I had a chronic joint pain issue that got progressively worse. Despite discussing the impact on my sex life with both the gyno and pain docs, no one seemed to have any suggestions. Eventually I sort of became asexual, with no interest in sex at all. I think it was a combo of the pain and meds. And then it reached a point where other parts of life were negatively affected.

After many years of exploration I found the right doctor and had a minor surgery that made a huge difference. It still took a while before I got through the pt and finally started feeling physically normal again. I'm not comfortable saying exactly what kind of surgery b/c it's unusual and lots of people who don't know about my blog know about the surgery.

I didn't realize how thick the fog of pain was until it was gone.

Hope that vague answer is helpful! I guess the moral of the story is not to let anyone convince you that sexual side effects of a medical condition aren't important enough to resolve and are something you and your partner just have to live with.


in bed with married women said...

And this comment came in via email from "J":

"I tried to send this through your blogger thingy, but it didn't work…here's my two cents.

I think that this is more of an issue of personal choice. And if our society was not so caught up in judging people who leave their spouses for greener pastures, or go out looking for the fulfillment that they need, there might be a lot more people who would be a lot more satisfied. So decide what you want and give your all to whatever that may be. Living a life of internal conflict won't do "Just Jack's" wife any favors either. In the end, both of them will be unfulfilled and unhappy.

If "Just Jack" were to try and stick it out with his non-sexual partner, BOTH partners have to want the dynamic to change between them…and even then, the sex might never be fantastic, because it never was in the first place. "

Anonymous said...

There are so many, if's, ands, and buts, in this scenario. And to people's values and beliefs.

I know of a man, who, as many times as he has tried, has not been able to have that passionate sexual relationship with his wife. What does he do, masturbate the rest of his life because he is missing something and is held to the marriage vows? Leave her, even though he does love her in ever other way? Maybe it's her who never feels satisfied with her husband and thus the lack of interest in sex. Who knows. It's a Catch 22.

I was in a marriage where I thought the sex was good when we had it. I am no longer in that marriage and I know that that sex was never as mind blowing as it is now with the partner I have.

I have known people who have had an affair behind their partner's back, for the pure reason of sex. Let me correct that, SPECTACULAR sex. A relationship (if you want to call it that), where no one else ever knew. Something that was between the two of them. Something that helped to actually make that marriage better.

I honestly don't think there IS a right answer.

But I do think that a lot of people don't say anything to their partner for fear of hurting their feelings. I mean, come on, who wants to be told they suck in bed.

What if there was a way to get that person to see how much more there could be. How much more feelings and release you could have if you JUST LET GO OF YOUR INHIBITIONS.

To ALLOW yourself to explore your body, how it reacts when you touch it a certain way. How it makes you feel. How much truly happier you could be if you JUST LET GO.

Can't keep anything to myself said...

Awesome post. Gives me a lot to think about. Mostly I feel lost, like there is and never can be one right and definitive answer. Probably the only thing I do have a strong opinion on is this "staying together for the kids" bullshit. Having been "the kid," I hate hearing this from parent's mouths.
I was an accident. It's probably safe to say, my parents never would have stayed together if I hadn't been conceived. Maybe their lives would have been worse. Maybe they would have been better. It's hard to know. What I do know is they spent about 18 miserable years together for my sake (and my little sister's). Not only did they make each other unhappy, they made me unhappy. They finally divorced around the time I graduated from high school and went off to college and it was about fucking time. Since I moved out and only came home for breaks, I missed a lot of the experience of growing up with separated parents. I know it took its toll on my sister because she had to go back and forth between them and still occasionally got pulled into their fights, but there's no doubt in my mind that everyone is better off; happier, emotionally healthier. My dad isn't even the same person. It's almost like parents coddle their kids too much by staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage. Maybe it's ok if the marriage isn't too bad, but kids aren't stupid (at least I wasn't), they know when their parents are unhappy and I think it definitely has a negative impact. I guess I don't really believe in trying to make things work if they're bad. Everyone deserves happiness; they deserve a loving, caring partner.
Although it's harder to say what should be done if the relationship is healthy and happy, it's just missing the sex factor... I don't know. I totally agree with Anonymous though. I think in most cases, the problem is just that people don't know what sex can be. If only there was some way to show them. *sigh*

Can't keep anything to myself said...

P.S. Sorry for the epic ramble....

Vesta Vayne said...

Ugh, wow. So much to say, and like everyone else, it is hard to say whether or not there is a right answer. I can't imagine being in my marriage were there not chemistry. And this makes me wonder why, if the 'stuff' wasn't there in the first place, did some of these people marry at all? Perhaps that sounds shallow, I don't know, but I think it's a vital part of long-term relationship.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my husband is working out of town and I think I should send him something to keep him 'occupied' :-)

Anonymous said...

To answer the question, people get married to other people that don't "do it" for them, because they either don't know any better or believe they have to sacrifice desire for a stable relationship. I did it because I didn't know any better. I thought sex just wasn't that great for me because there was something wrong with me, and my husband supported that idea that I was "broken". Then one day only a year after my marriage I met someone who rocked my world. It took me 3 years to realize I needed to get divorced and actually do the deed. But today I am with a person who has made me mentally and sexually whole for five years. I couldn't be happier. And now I know.

KitKat said...

In a marriage that still has partners that love each other but has become sexless... There has to be SOMETHING, some connection, some passion that drew the two together in the first place. Rekindling desire isn't easy. Some just give up and go about their daily lives in this rut of a routine. Believing that the passion that once existed, doesn't last and this, therefore, is what everyone experiences. I don't believe it. Love and passion take WORK. They take more work than they did in the beginning. Kids, work, dance practices, etc. They are time consuming and because of sheer exhaustion, many just give in to the routine of a harried life and forget the reason they were married and had children, etc. in the first place.
I believe if people stop and examine, they can find a moment or two in their relationship that was exquisite. Where the passion between the two was paramount. I suggest to repeat that vacation. Surprise the other with it. Make time to recreate that moment.
Cheating, affairs... They are not the answer. Those are for those who take the easy way out or want to stay together due to finances or children or the like.
If two people have grown apart, then divide. Kids can tell when their parents are just sticking it out. Life is too short to spend time in a loveless relationship. BUT, if you truly love someone, take the time, make the effort. Let them know how much you love them, how you feel, how sexy/attractive they are. Tell them what you think about. Communication is key to most everything.

in bed with married women said...

Damn, Anonymous, that is so well written and thoughtful, it almost reminded me of something runic.
And CKATM, I love your epic ramble. Thank you for it.
Vesta, i hope that your husband is appreciating his luckiness.
Anonymous 2, your story is so fascinating. thank you for writing it down.
KitKat, I am stunned by how smart and thoughtful your and these other responses are. You all fucking rock the house.

**note: there are some more responses on this that people left after the Nicole Daedone post, if you want some more. xoxox jill

Anonymous said...

This situation sounds so true. My situation - married for 30+ years to a great gal, and while we have regular sex, she never climaxes, and there's just no passion. We've been thru counseling and there's no real answer. Some couples are just like that. And it's sad. And frustrating.

EcoGrrl said...

My story differs...i was madly in love with my husband since we first met when i was 16 then after we got hitched, he never wanted it, never jacked off on his own, nothing. Once a year at most. Imagine the frustration - he was so stifled, and without drugs (he got clean when we were engaged), he was passionless. Im grossed out by infidelity so that was never in my head. When he was fully into his new addiction, and i divorced him, he was a bit more, but nothing earth shattering. I was fortunate to have had a great lover after him but i'm still trying to trust myself years after, and must feel real trust in mythe partner to fully enjoy the intensity of it all.

Anonymous said...

I felt much the same as you all. I am still battling it, but I have found another route that is helpful. Polyamory, the act of loving more than one person. It isn't cheating, as everyone knows everyone and honesty and communication is number one. It works for us. My new man can give me what my husband can't and vice versa.

When in a relationship for a long time, it can feel more familial, less passionate and sexual of a bond. I still love him, but it is a comfortable, passionless love. It happens. Being poly is an honest way that can help some people. It is worth mentioning as an option, IMO.

Dusky said...

Well as per my story on here, I'm choosing the open-marriage option route myself.

Just wanted to answer the question some have posed about how people end up married to no-chemistry people in the first place.

I think it is a matter of the type of spark that started the relationship. I, for example, was not AT ALL physically attracted to my husband when we met. But we did have an instant, overwhelming, mental spark... We fell in love over conversation. We still have the chemistry we began with, it just never was about chemistry in bed.