I Want to Sex You Up

In your FACE, #101

Hello friend,  Re-upping 'cause I got some new stuff that you might need to fuck.--2/3/21

Let's see.  In Bed With Married Women, despite my near complete lack of posting has been named one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2020* (again! yes, true!)  I don't know if this is because it's no longer 2010 and nobody blogs anymore or what, but I'm bloody well gonna take it because fuck you, 2020. 

Anyway, I know you don't come here just for super out-of-date title references to horrible pop groups from the 1990s and the occasional post where I actually try to do a good job, but also for the fabulous sex toys I frequently toss your way, like a common Mr. Monopoly, but one who is tossing sex toys...like in a parade...for some reason...never mind.

Anyway today, my friend, you get two out of three of those things because 

1. BAM! Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You U, 1991. Do not google. It is really bad, as well as badd.

2.  I have some sex toys that I've been sent by nice sex toy companies but, due to everyone in my family being around every fucking second of my goddamed life, I am unable to properly use/fuck/smear recklessly over my body.

That's where you come in, gentle reader.  

I'm gonna list what I've got. If something strikes your fancy, or whatever you're calling it these days, drop me a line (jillhamilton001@gmail.com) and I will put it in a box and send it to your doorstep. To your door, I say! You can even pick a few if you want and fill a box. (Don't be too greedy though and pick like 20 things. I hate that. One time I had a garage sale and told a customer they could pay what they wanted. They took a shit ton of stuff and gave me a nickel. Yes, I didn't want any of the stuff AND I did say to pay what they wanted, but still.)

Here's what you do.  

1. Email me which toy(s) you wish to fuck.

2.  Pay for shipping.  I wish so hard that I could just send it you, but I write a free blog. Please add an extra donation/tip to validate my existence/make up for me dragging my ass to the crowded post office during COVID for you. If you give me a nickel, I will come to your house and punch you. I'm not even joking.

3.  My Paypal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com. (Keep handy for when you're drunk and feeling spendy.)

That's it! Here's what I gots left. As things go, I'll strike them out.   

Big Ol' Wand Vibrator,  rechargeable

Prostate massager, long and thin for targeted vibrations

Duo Love Balls, Ben Wa-like balls for first timers

Kit for Couples, 7 inch vibe, nubbly sleeve for it, stretchy cock rink,  mini bullet vibe, all waterproof

Stretchy vibrating cock ring, you heard me

Candy Cane Massager, a waterproof vibrator, but, candy striped bc why not?

Adam's Warming Rotating Power Boost Dildo, mama's trying not to keep him for herself bc...damn. I mean, LOOK AT HIM

I do hope the rest of Adam is okay.

Adam's Triple Prostate Probe, in case you come across aliens who left their anal probe at home, or just desire some recreational probery

All Star Enhancer Ring, stretchy cock ring for both cock n' balls.

Purple Heart Butt Plug, which, to be honest, isn't the greatest name

Good Head Fundamentals, The Ultimate Oral Sex, an oral sex kit including a stroker, "oral delight gel" and such.

Joy Stick Recharageable Wand, a long double-headed number that could go in any number of orifices. 

Bondage Kit, with blindfold, satin pasties, silky rope, cuffs and flogger.  

Could pair with:

Lil BDSM kit, with a BDSM dice, a small flogger and a deck of sex bondage positions cards, if you other deck has worn out.

and/or

Bondage tape, cause someone's in big trouble

Kama Sutra Playing Cards

Silicone lube, vibrator lube, Big-ass bottle of water-based lube, watermelon flavored lube, masturbator lube, some extra large Elite Skyn Condoms, wipes, a Pleasure Feather Tickler, a small guide to BDSM, and, oh yeah, so much more luuuuuuube including Wicked Hybrid Jelle, Simply Aqua Jelle, Simply Hybrid, and a ton of other lube that I've grown too lazy to link.  If y'all don't take it, I'm gonna have one hell of a slide n' slide, I suppose.  

If you want to just buy something straight from the companies and leave me out of it, click on the link and IBWMW gets a wee cut.

So that's it. LMK. I won't tell.

xoxo

jill

*One side effect of being named a Sex Blogging Superhero is that you get offers from random companies. OnlyFans, for example, suggested I could make "millions" through them. "One example of a successful use for you may be for you to show behind the scenes footage of your life to your paying fans on OnlyFans as a perk," they wrote, quite optimistically.  I shall assess the market for viewing the behind the scenes footage of a 55 year old woman who is doomscrolling, writing crap articles for cash or hiding in the bathroom every few days for a joyless, hurried wank. 

--Update, later:  my family members are all delightful. Honestly. But sometimes lock down feels a tad No Exit.

Subtitle My Book (aka What The Hell Is It I Do?)

MOOD

Consulting the Oracle:  Hey, gorgeous. I need your good brain and/or mystical contacts.

Here's why:  I've compiled the best of IBWMW into a book, working title Hysterical.* I sent it to three agents and all said, "Love your voice. (pause) Essays are impossible to sell."

So. I need an alluring through line that makes these impossible essays seem more like a memoir or quest or otherwise must-have book. They would still be the essays, but tarted up and packaged in a more saleable way.

When I get a solid/compelling subtitle like Hysterical: (blah blah blah i am a lady who stares too closely at sex and have learned some shit, this is the point/quest behind the whole book), I'm in. But I've been thinking on it for weeks and I CAN'T FUCKING FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. (this, for the record, is my DO SOMETHING! shout into the Void.)

Do you see the highly marketable theme/quest/format that I'm not seeing? (Talking around it/vague ideas also helpful, if pithy titles aren't your thing.)

If you are the one who pulls the subtitle from the ether, not only will I dedicate the whole damn book to you AND offer you the coveted title of IBWMW Minister of Big Ideas, I will send you something from my big box of secret sex toys. Presently residing in there are:

--An iCome throbby rabbit-style vibe from Doc Johnson
--Snug Plug from b-Vibe, a weighted silicone butt plug
--Snug Plug 2 from b-Vibe, same deal, but bigger
--Novice Plug from b-Vibe, small and powerful vibrating butt plug w/ remote control for torturing a loved one
--Le Wand, a big-ass old school rumbly wand vibrator like the original Magic Wand that got our foremothers off. (don't think too long on this.) I'll throw in the Curve, a weighted silicone attachment because I am just that desperate for clarity.

What are you holding? Consult your Muse and let me know. 

We're Number....2...yeah:
Thanks to you, IBWMW was #2 in the Reader's Choice category for this year's Kinkly's Sex Blogging Superhero contest. I am undecided whether to be deliriously happy that the blog beat out over 400 other blogs for the honor or peeved about the one (1) blog who beat us. That it is not obvious to me is something I should probably discuss with a licensed professional.

Okay Then: Now that I've just asked you to solve my life, I feel awkward and exposed, so I will divert your attention with this shot from Salvador Dali's 1973 photo shoot for Playboy Magazine. It might be safe for work or might not--kinda hard to say.

xoxo
jill

*I'm thinking of re-naming the whole blog Hysterical. What say you?

(top image courtesy: governmentname)

Contest Results, Butt Smackery and Reasons Not to Marry a Vibrator

Contest Results! If you ever get a shit-ton of vibrators in the mail, I highly recommend that you give 80% away, like a fucked up version of tithing.

It's even better if you force everyone to compliment you first, as Donald Trump does with his Cabinet members. (See also: What's Your Favorite Post?--A New Contest)

For my act of sexual servitude, I'll be mailing out 8 embarrassing packages to the contest winners* with which they can do unspeakably filthy things. And....if the other versions of Doc Johnson's iVibe Select line are anything like the two I tried, they are gonna lose their fucking minds.

As you know because I lack a filter, I was madly in love with the iCome model just last week but then I tried the iRock one and--holy shit!--I have never fucked such a glorious thing in my life. (I don't get any kickbacks or anything, I'm just telling you as a fellow traveler.)

So epic was it (I'm telling you--the shit was good. Like g-spot heroin) that it made me revisit the question of why do we deal with the messiness of another when a slutty slutty machine can do such an incredible job, at least in evoking a purely biological set of responses.

Are we not men?

Reader J sent an perfectly-timed email reminding me about the sublime pleasures of human connection and why I am not (yet) packing my bags to go off and live with my iRock where we would have fruit trees, a writer's studio/guest house by the pool and lots of beautiful fucking.

J was nominating Why We Fuck for the "favorite post" question I'd asked, writing, "You get a whole person to yourself" Oh wow! Yes! And it is an awesome, humbling thing. As an atheist, I cannot ascribe any preordained meaning to the world. We create it from our actions. And we are essentially alone, struggling to make sense of the world and find that meaning. When you join with someone else, when you lose yourself in them, for a brief or long while, it overcomes our aloneness, and creates purpose. It is the most life affirming experience possible.

For the record, he also nominated The Blow Job as Path to the Divine ("Such a hot, sexy and thoughtful, meditation on what can make this a transcendent pleasure.") And, with that, J brought it all back into perspective. I mean, I could, I guess, give a blow job to the iRock but it would be unrewarding for both of us and lack the whole making sense of our essential aloneness aspect.

There is such a deep primal pleasure--equally sacred and profane--in going into that sexual space with another. The literal and metaphorical nakedness, the intimacy of tasting them, hearing them moan as they lose themselves in it and leaving with their scent still clinging to you. That alone is so heady and rich and nearly overwhelming that the machine-powered orgasms can scarcely compare. At least in the mental/spiritual aspect of it all.

Anais Nin wrote of Henry Miller "...with all the tremendous joys Henry has given me I have not yet felt a real orgasm. My response does not seem to lead to a true climax but is disseminated in a spasm that is less centered, more diffuse." Theirs was one of the most torrid affairs ever recorded.  Did Nin's weak-ass orgasm-like spasms render it less so? I would actually say No. I think. You?

Anyway to J and the rest of you, thanks. I absolutely love hearing how it is from your end.**

Slap That Ass
Meanwhile, a guy named Segun Odogwu in Nigeria re-runs my Cosmo sex position articles, but adds his own flourishes/personal translations which I find oddly charming. Here's how he interpreted one on butt-focused positions which he calls I Love That Booty! Issa Booty Call!:  

"If you love the booty, then get behind it in, push the panties to the side, then let your partner go to town worshiping that ass either with his mouth, let him/she slob their tongue all over that pussy, the clitoris, everywhere down there."

On another he added his own little tip: 

Depending on if she likes spanks, this position can allow you spank her ass or you can start beating them to make percussion if you like. 

So please make these edits in your butt-focused fuckery:
1. slob your tongue everywhere down there.
2. if you find a booty in your face, play a little drum solo.

xoxo
jill

 *Hey mystery Heather, you won too!  Msg me your contact info! 
**With a few very notably icky exceptions. Probably not you.

PS Nice things to do:
--Go vote for IBWMW for Kinkly's Sex Blogging Superheroes list. Super easy. 
--Donate here to help cover postage costs, extra pixels and the coffee I'll require to get over the ordeal of having to declare to the mail clerk that I'm sending a big-ass dildo to a nice woman I don't know in Sweden:

Image: Pervy Oprah by reader Brad, who is good like that.

What's Your Favorite Post? A New Contest!

What could it be?

Remember this super non-mysteriously packaged big-ass box that made my long-suffering UPS driver run away?

Well, I finally opened it and--holy fuck!--I am rich in vibrators! They're from the lovely Erica Braverman who, as you may have figured out, works at Doc Johnson--home of my favorite factory tour ever (beating out the Winston-Salem cigarette factory and the Stroh's Brewery tours of my childhood--um, it was a different time, I guess...)

My new vibrator army is from Doc's i-Vibe Select line. They're like five vibrator Superfriends, each with its own superpower like getting warm, rolling around enticingly, or doing some sort of magic "come hither' motion inside.

Erica sent me ten of these (literal) fuckers and I will share some of them with you because I am semi-generous.

I gave first dibs to reader "A," who has faithfully given a small donation every month to the blog for years. She opted for the iBend, explaining "I've been wanting something softer. Because nothing says 'do me' like a touch of flaccidity."

I gave second dibs to me and grabbed an iCome, mostly because it was called iCome. I tried it out, for you/journalism and such, and I will say that once you turn it on, there is no "getting in the mood" part, you are immediately just fucking in it, man, and kind of helplessly impaled on it while it wrecks you via deep throbby bass notes. We will so be having a second date.

The Contest Rules: 

1. Tell me what your favorite IBWMW post is. You can tell me via Twitter, a comment below, the Facebook page or, like most of you pussies generally opt for, a discreet email. I'm asking for your favorites because I'm compiling some for a book (whee!) and you are the smartest person I know.

2.  Pick one of the vibrators you'd like to put in/on your wherever. If you aren't picky and don't require a semi-flacid lover like A, you can list a few choices. (If you are a Kindle subscriber, lmk and I'll give you two entries.) 
3.  I'll notify the winners October 11 privately so everyone's not knowing your business.

The Prizes! (I sort of just cut and pasted and vaguely edited the product descriptions so be forewarned):

The Vibrator Superfriends confronting their shadow selves

iCome has a clitoral stimulator w/ a special ‘rolling’ mode that "creates a unique undulating movement on the clitoris for incredible pleasure." It has two ultra-powerful independently controlled motors. [Yes. So much so.]

The iWand offers a gentle warming mode that slowly heats the silicone wand head to a pleasurable, body-safe temperature. It can be used with both the warming and vibrating modes active, or either one.

The iRipple has three separate ultra-powerful motors placed along the shaft to create an endless variety of vibration patterns that can span across all three motors, including a rolling effect up and down the shaft.

The iRock features a curved shaft that not only vibrates, but also flexes back and forth in a ‘come hither’ motion for G-spot pleasure.

The iBend is a powerful, seven-function massager you can bend however you damn well please for  both internal and external stimulation.

*****

In other superheroic news: Do you mind heading over and voting for IBWMW in Kinkly's Sex Blogging Superheroes Contest?  Just go to this link and press "click here to vote!" I need at least five votes by October 9 to even be considered. (Last year IBWMW was 8th out of 100 despite not even telling you about it. Thanks mystery voters!)  It literally takes less than 15 seconds and will be the second best thing in my day, the first being, of course, my earlier rendezvous with the swag.

 xoxo
 jill

Postpartum

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe

So depressing was my image of the post-election day Fuck Chair yesterday that several people were compelled to write to me asking if I was okay.  Which yes, and I am beyond grateful that so many people would be on the lookout (you never know!).  And of course, at the same time, I am also not okay with what the fuck happened on election day.

Yesterday my mother called us and on speaker phone gave my girls an incredibly moving speech about not listening to the messages they were hearing and to know that they still had value, dammit.  This is something you don't generally have to tell people. Anyway, at the end we were all weeping.

Then my 15 year old daughter went and made a Sim of Tr*mp wetting his own pants while over-Tweeting. My friend said we shoulda done the one where he was in a pool then taken away the ladder, but this felt like a cleaner, though immature, schadenfreude.

Oh. Yeah.

Today I am in the anger phrase which I expressed by writing a disturbingly long comment to some dude on Facebook I barely know. I recognize that that was not a good use of my time.

In other news that now sounds jarringly hollow and not nearly as fun as it did when it heard it last week, I was #8 on Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2016. I adore the site and turn to it for surreptitious midnight web searches on "How do you do X?" or "Wtf is Y?" But what wrecked me* the most with how they so got what I'm trying to do here:  "This blog is funny - like, hilarious - but it's also thoughtful in a way that leaves you feeling a little better about yourself after you read it. We like that." 

And, yes, I do hope I leave you feeling a little better about yourself sometimes, or at least that I've reminded you to do all necessary peeing before embarking on a Tweet storm.

xoxo
jill

* I am highly motivated by extrinsic rewards.  Not good, but hey, it's not smoking crack so I'm not gonna worry about it too much.