Monday, November 6, 2017

Subtitle My Book (aka What The Hell Is It I Do?)

Consulting the Oracle:  Hey, gorgeous. I need your good brain and/or mystical contacts.

Here's why:  I've compiled the best of IBWMW into a book, working title Hysterical.* I sent it to three agents and all said, "Love your voice. (pause) Essays are impossible to sell."

So. I need an alluring through line that makes these impossible essays seem more like a memoir or quest or otherwise must-have book. They would still be the essays, but tarted up and packaged in a more saleable way.

When I get a solid/compelling subtitle like Hysterical: (blah blah blah i am a lady who stares too closely at sex and have learned some shit, this is the point/quest behind the whole book), I'm in. But I've been thinking on it for weeks and I CAN'T FUCKING FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. (this, for the record, is my DO SOMETHING! shout into the Void.)

Do you see the highly marketable theme/quest/format that I'm not seeing? (Talking around it/vague ideas also helpful, if pithy titles aren't your thing.)

If you are the one who pulls the subtitle from the ether, not only will I dedicate the whole damn book to you AND offer you the coveted title of IBWMW Minister of Big Ideas, I will send you something from my big box of secret sex toys. Presently residing in there are:

--An iCome throbby rabbit-style vibe from Doc Johnson
--Snug Plug from b-Vibe, a weighted silicone butt plug
--Snug Plug 2 from b-Vibe, same deal, but bigger
--Novice Plug from b-Vibe, small and powerful vibrating butt plug w/ remote control for torturing a loved one
--Le Wand, a big-ass old school rumbly wand vibrator like the original Magic Wand that got our foremothers off. (don't think too long on this.) I'll throw in the Curve, a weighted silicone attachment because I am just that desperate for clarity.

What are you holding? Consult your Muse and let me know. 

We're Number....2...yeah:
Thanks to you, IBWMW was #2 in the Reader's Choice category for this year's Kinkly's Sex Blogging Superhero contest. I am undecided whether to be deliriously happy that the blog beat out over 400 other blogs for the honor or peeved about the one (1) blog who beat us. That it is not obvious to me is something I should probably discuss with a licensed professional.

Okay Then: Now that I've just asked you to solve my life, I feel awkward and exposed, so I will divert your attention with this shot from Salvador Dali's 1973 photo shoot for Playboy Magazine. It might be safe for work or might not--kinda hard to say.


*I'm thinking of re-naming the whole blog Hysterical. What say you?

(top image courtesy: governmentname)


Fitzlurker said...

I've tried like three times... grr.

Fitzlurker said...

Hysterical: How lazy doctors and the female orgasm led to the invention of the internet.

Hysterical: Humor and humours and the stories that tie then together.

ProfFingers said...

Hysterical: Some lessons can only be learned in bed with married women.

Jill Hamilton said...

fitz! are the comments acting wonky?? and hmmm i DO so like the word humours.

ProfFingers--you know that one dude who does all the narration on movie trailers? i can so here him saying yours like that. actually from now on, i'm gonna read all of them in that voice. and thanks!

Unknown said...

Hysterical: From Funny Boners to Kama Sutures

Jim said...

First thought:
"The Hysterical Rantings of a Married Woman's Obsession with All Things Sexual"
But ... I don't like the rhythm of the syllables. It's 1-3-2-1-1-2-2-3-1-1-1-3

I think the word "Married" needs to be in the title, but without it there's a nice rhythm:
"The Hysterical Rantings of a Woman's Obsession with All Things Sexual"
The rhythm is 1-3-2-1-1-2-3-1-1-1-1 ... the pattern that feels good is the 132-11-231.

I like the words "Rantings" and "Obsession." Rantings is a playful way to say this is a collection of text/essays. Obsession is a sexy word - Calvin Kline probably paid someone a fortune to name that cologne.

I'll keep working on it.

Jim said...

Here's a title that I like:
A Married Woman's Hysterical Guide to Twenty-first Century Sex (where taboos have become toys)

Probably still needs work.

Emma said...

Hysterical: A brief history of online smut

Hysterical: Reach serendipity through online sluttiness

(from Emma in Sweden. Still no embarrassing package, do you have a tracking number)

Anonymous said...

Going Off & Getting Off

Jennifer M said...

Omg "Hysterical: From Taboos to Toys and other rantings (in bed)"

Lydia Fluitt said...

Why not just go with "in bed with married women". That's what brought me to your site. I think it would catch the eye of a browsing book store customer.

Jill Hamilton said...

Amber W. Sutres? I dig it.

Jim,--thank you. my daughter and I were just talking about the rhythm of writing and comedy and we both hear it in beats like you're saying.

Emma--fuck. I called the PO and since it's to Sweden, they didn't give me a tracking number. they did give me a customs number which i'll send to you via email if that helps from your end. they said it left the country on the 17 of Oct. I'd say give it another couple weeks and if nothing comes, I'll send you something else to make up for it. in the meantime, listen for buzzing noises coming from your shifty neighbors' houses.


Jennifer M--I like the idea of ranting.

Lydia--you are the second person to say that. maybe you're right and it's there under my nose. thank you.

Anonymous said...

First off we need to get you one of those online -easy-mail-order degrees.
Second step: Then we go with something like this: "Hysterical: DR. Hamilton finds love and sex in Married America"
This gives you the Gravitas of the "Doctor" title (people LOVe this approach: look @ Dr. phil)
WE get to Use the word "America" which is catnip in todays jingo-istic twitter-world.
Thirdly the word "Married" gets you into the females' deep desire to find happiness as part of a married couple, thus denying the old adage that "marriage is the end of sex".
Now Jill women will say I am cynical but I love your column and want nothin g more than you to be as successful and rich as can be. LOve your column and I will buy your book
PS you may need a new publisher. Not a week goes by that a new book of short stories isn't raved about in the NYT-Online. Hello david Sedaris.

Jill Hamilton said...

Thanks T. xo I love essay collections. And yeah, I don't understand the essay difficulty--they're my very favorite kind of thing to read. Always have been. Although there was a period where i dug Archie comics and Mad magazine more, but still.

Anonymous said...

I want that subtitle to be all kinds of innuendos and double-entendres and sexy words.
Hysterical: Putting the fine point on the tight niche of women’s sexuality.
Hysterical: Take me to bed with you.
Hysterical: The consummate in-depth probe of women’s sexuality.

I was going to say the same thing about David Sedaris as my friend did above.
Bernadette, Friend of Julie :)

Timmich65 said...

-the Musings of a self-avowed MILF
-the Making of a MILF
-the Dawning of a/my sexual Awakening/Awareness
-a personal reflection on human sexuality in the 21st Century

Jill Hamilton said...

Hey Bernadette--I don't know which Julie you're talking about but i love all of the Julies. And take me to bed w/ you seems interesting.

Timmich65--MUKWTF mother u kinda want to fuck

so far I'm thinking on the lines of, or at least around the lines of:
In Bed With a Married Woman: The Book That Hops Into Bed Staring Rudely and Taking Notes
Hysterical: How My Search History Became A Ravaged Mess and Other Job Hazards of Sex Writing
Hysterical: How I Accidentally Became an Anal Bleaching Expert*
*It's complicated
Fuck This: Things People Have Sex With That Aren't Other People and Other Field Notes.
Hysterical: The Book that Knows Where You Hide the Sex Toys*
*Night stand drawer, possibly under the bed.
My friends' husband said "Mother, Fucker," which is genius but I think I don't have the stones to go w/ that

Shawn Clark said...

Hey Jill, can you please email me at for a blogging opportunity?

Tom Medsker said...


What you do is examine long term, committed relationships and ask why they become boring. Why do once passionate partners drift apart? You challenge those in long term, stale relationships to rediscover their significant other and consider trying to rekindle the flame. Naturally, the most common response to such a suggestions is, "Why bother?" This is when comedy is helpful in facing the tragedy of sexless, romance-less, uncaring, "room mate" relationships. You are doing the important work of trying to bring joy back into hopeless lives with levity. It is an approach that removes the tension and venom in some relationships, giving the partners encouragement to swallow their pride, examine their opposing positions and give reconciliation another try.
I think "Hysterical" is an excellent title. That title captures the tragedy and the comedy of hopeless long term relationships in one word. I think you should go with it.

Brian said...

It’s Not the Size of This Book That Matters...

Anne Hart said...

I am so excited that you are writing a book! How is it going? I too like the original in-bed-with-married-women title, but pithy titles are definitely not my forte.

I think the common theme is exploring sexuality to define our humanity. Through all the kinky and the disgusting and the wonderful and the emotional, sifting through the complications of our hormones and evolution and personal histories and psychology to figure out what is going on with this primal and potentially wonderous thing called SEX.

I love essays too, hence reading blogs. Another option could be expanding / combining into chapters? That's the thing I am vaguely aiming to do, but you are more inclined to actually write stuff than I am. :)

Anywho, that's my belated two-cents worth. X