Wednesday, June 24, 2020

Notes from whatever the hell today is

Well, the packages of sex toys are traveling around the country to find their forever orifices, and some are already nestled in someone's butt or whatever, happily rumbling away fulfilling their life purposes. (There are still a few things left, but not much. If you want to see, email me and ask for access to the ever- shrinking Google doc.)

A dude got a box for his wife, including a Lelo Sona (good man), one guy got the Club Vibe 3.OH Hero after he'd killed another butt toy (admirable) and another reader, M, got the Lovelife Krush Smart Kegel Trainer to strengthen her nether regions. 

The delightful M wrote: "Yay! It's like winning the vagina lottery! My current partner will be pleased/horrified when I hands-free throttle his bishop in a few weeks (or months?) and I will think of you in a high-five way."

In a series of sentences of increasing awkwardness, as is my way, I replied to M with:
"You are super hilarious (okay, so far)
and I'm already a little in love with you. (um...)
will send out tomorrow. (a step towards acceptable discourse)
so enjoy your weak-ass, lax vagina while you can." (Dear God, self. WTF?) 

Anyway, lest you think my love was displaced, M kindly ignored my boorish vaginal dis (In the future, I probably wouldn't lead with this. Probably.) and sent me an actual postcard, like they did in the olden days:  "I would love to allow you to believe that I am as amusing as you seemed to think I was in my email, but the truth is that you caught me at a particularly good time. For some reason I tend to be more charismatic when I'm ovulating--creepy evolutionary catfishing?"

(This is a real thing! We are all evolutionary catfishers. See also Ovulation = Hormonal Beer Googles)

*****

You can hear me hurriedly reading my piece Drought on Antonia Hall's wholly delightful Experiments in Pleasure podcast, recorded when I sent my family on a ten-minute walk around the block. It's at the very end, like a David Sedaris/Sarah Vowell thing, if they were less funny and talked more about having sex with a bath spigot. 

Now, you. Tell me something interesting.*

xo
jill

*Unless it's super creepy**, then keep that @%@# to yourself.
**I reserve the sole right to determine creepiness, or lack thereof.

3 comments:

Julian said...

Always clever and hilarious, even when not ovulating. What about sex "furniture?" Toys are wonderful of course, but let's face it, some of the places you need to reach to have really good sex, are not always that easy to reach, depending what body parts are involved. Nor is it always easy to hold a position for the ideal duration. Do you ever get gifted furniture to review? Any great stories about when it's worked really well or badly?

I cannot say enough good things about the Liberator Ramp and Wedge, and they're not paying me a cent for that, it's just the truth. I am very curious about the Esse, but I would need a whole room to put it in. Though... that's not a bad idea really, once the kids move out... "Sorry junior, we don't have a place for you to stay anymore. Your room is now the sex lounge."

Virginia G said...

Oh boy... in terms of kegels, I gotta say that Pilates has done more for my orgasms than literally anything else. I talked to some of my fellow pilatesers and they all report exactly the same thing.

Also I told my gyro about this, and she said she'd heard similar from many of her patients. So... yeah. pilates. My husband DEFINITELY noticed the difference. :)

Jill Hamilton said...

Julian! My one experience with a Liberator product is opening up the package because I was gonna send it to someone and I wanted to make sure I was sending him what I said I was and it immediately expanded to a bazillion percent of its original size, never to fit in its original packaging again.

And Virginia! Throttle that bishop, sister. xo

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