Thursday, September 14, 2017

Contest results, black pasties and whatnot

Not that kind of pasty, though they would offer more coverage
The Pick Your Prize winners have been notified and if you didn't win, fear not, I have a TON of really really good stuff coming from Aneros and Doc Johnson that may soon be throbbing away up your wherever.

In the meantime, the following readers are gonna be "in a meeting" for a bit.

Reader J, winner of the much coveted Ohmibod Mini (98% of you wanted that, as well you should), responded "Thanks for the dog toy."  J was cruelly referring to my misadventures with my previous Mini as well as a Dog Toy or Sex Toy quiz which, given my my shockingly bad score, I will be re-taking this summer in Remedial Dog Toy or Sex Toy Recognition.

Another J, a dude who lives Canada, decided he didn't actually want his winning anal beads after researching "sketchy, unsafe-for-your-body jelly anal beads" thus saving me from having to declare "sketchy...anal beads" when the postal worker asks what I'm shipping internationally. For his research and good-heartedness, as well as a bit of flattery (that would be: "You have such a wonderfully refreshing, funny and frank voice." #PraiseWhore), J will get his pick of the next litter, if a group of sex toys is called a litter.

A, an assistant principal in an undisclosed location, won the Fin finger vibrator and it's not because she wrote "Thank you for being wonderfully funky, intelligent, quirky, sexy you!"--that was after. A, if you must know, also reports that she attended a BDSM class over the weekend and learned that there is a proper way to spank. In the old days, assistant principals already knew that, but there you go.

C won the Talk to Me conversation cards and it was uneventful.

And finally, not one of you pussies even entered to get the black nipple pasties with fake piercings. ("Casual for the day, sporty for the beach!") And... I was at a loss. I hate hate hate wasting things and I couldn't just throw them away unused so, as any one of you would do, I put the damn things on while I was home alone, as my 400 cats looked on with disapproval. The pasties stick right to your nipples and if you move them up a bit, you can give yourself an inexpensive pretend boob lift. However, the sticky is not that sticky and I would think twice for before heading out to Trader Joe's in them. 

I then decided I should take pictures of myself all pastied up for you because there may be something wrong in my brain hole. I was even gonna post one here, but it suddenly felt a little porny, like I was sexting you. Perhaps getting a surprise be-pastied boob shot is like getting an unwanted dick pic, that is, no bueno. I should probably have a talk with HR about it.

xoxo
jill

ps As I was finishing this, my UPS man delivered a truly huge box from Doc Johnson. I know it was my usual man because, uncharacteristically, he just screeched "UPS!" before dropping 14 pounds of excessively non-discreetly packaged sex toys and fleeing for safety. 

Hmm, wonder what this could be?

5 comments:

in bed with married women said...

If you're not into a "litter" of sex toys, Canadian J says, "Some other candidates that come to mind: harem, stable, nuzzle, parade, exaltation (like larks), or perhaps an exclamation. Yesss!!" Do with this what you will.

Jim said...

The box is hilarious!

jill Hamilton said...

I know! What ever happened to the whole plain brown wrapper idea?

Anonymous said...

If I came home to see that box on my bed, I'd be tempted to just cut a hole in the side and have at it!

jill Hamilton said...

Anonymous--Haha, just start gnawing it open. Or hell, just start fucking the box.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...