Sunday, April 10, 2016

Advice To Greg Abner, My Would-Be Email Lover

Dear "Greg Abner,"

Congratulations! You're almost there in perfecting your unsoliticed-email-leads-to-romance-leads-to-some-poor-chick-sending-you-a-few-thousand-dollars-for-your-airfare/life-saving operation/ outstanding business opportunity! Just a few more tweaks and you're ready to go!

Here's my take on it:

Personalize: When women receive unsolicited email from a total stranger, they want to feel like the stranger sees that "special something" about them. For example, in your random Facebook email to me, you write:
What a great smile.......I bet your smile is capable of sweeping any man off his feet....
Okay, just for reference, here is the photo to which you refer:

In it, I am trying to look thoughtful and artsy. Although, as my friend Audrey unkindly and unfortunately more accurately put it, "You look like you just stumbled into an alley and are looking for your shoes." Another of my delightful friends, Paul, said "You look hot and mentally imbalanced." We needn't quibble over whether I look hot or crazy, or whether or not I eventually found my shoes in that alley (answer: I didn't find "my" shoes, exactly but found "some" shoes that "sort of fit.") The point is that we all agree that I am not smiling. Again, KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. Study your lucky lady's photo and write something personal. Like, "You look mentally imbalanced." Or perhaps, "I happen to sell shoes."

Okay, let's move on. Greg, in your message, you continue:
Your terrific hair do is just out of this world.Please make my day by writing back.
Really? You think so? I love it too! It's all freaky and wild and...wait a minute...did you just call it a "hair do"? I'm sorry, Greg, but that's the kind of slip-up that's going to alert a potential victim special lady that you're either not from around here or that you're a pervy old lady from 1947.

Your Facebook profile could use a little work as well. "Your" photo is fine. Let's have another look at that stock photo you carefully selected:

I kind of wish someone in a lower age demographic was writing to me, but, that's okay, I think the older gentleman look works. It's more believable than some shirtless, rippled youngster trying to chat me up. I'm not stupid. I've seen Catfish, you know. (If you haven't, do check it out. It's a nice little indie film.)

I have no problem with your claim that you are British (a nice touch!) and that you now live in Denver, Colorado. However, your "About Greg" section could use a few little touch-ups. Don't worry, it will just take a sec. You write:
Easy going , starigth forward and laid back retrospective kind of guy, my friends say i'm nice to a fault but i can't wait to know what you think about that..... i know i have a kind heart that a lotof people tend to take advantage of most of the time.i'm looking to meet some old school friends/mates and some interesting new friends .
Maybe you could let one of your fellow Brits "have a look," as they say in your former stomping grounds, at your punctuation and grammar. "Straight" not "starigth,""lotof" is not a word, and whatnot. Also strike "I can't wait to know what you think about that" from your profile entirely. When you use it here, it sounds like you're trying to pick anyone and everyone up. That will not do.  Remember, make the lady feel special. The time to bring out that gem is once you are corresponding with your beautiful lady with the out-of-this-world hair-do, and she's starting to weaken to your considerable charms.

And lastly, in the photo that you labeled "me and my daughter," you've neglected to realize that your daughter is not actually in the picture. Such inattentive parenting could be seen as a "turn off" to a prospective mate.

But don't worry, you've almost got it! Just a few more tweaks and you will be darn near irresistible. Soon that money will be rolling in! And, if you'd like, I have a few Special Secret Tips for just for you, because I think we've made a connection today. I'm sure you feel it, too. I just need a little plane fare to come visit you so I can start giving you your personalized Special Secret Tips right away!


Unknown said...

BWWAAHHHHAA!!!! This gave me SUCH a needed laugh today. Now please tell me his address so that I can send him all my panties and sweat socks.

Unknown said...

Oh, if it were only as easy as sending a mass email to women, attaching a picture, and waiting for fish to bite. My black book would be bursting at the seams...

Is this what it is all about these days? An e-Don Juan?

Thanks for taking apart his email. When I start crafting mine, I know what mistakes not to make.


Unknown said...

Mwah ha ha ha ha! I love you! :)

Anonymous said...

so. damn. funny. i think coffee just came out my nose.

Anonymous said...


Asha said...

Man! Greg sounds like a catch. Next thing you know, he'll be mailing you some money orders and asking you to cash them at your bank and Western Union the cash to him. How romantic! said...

Girlfriend, I thought I'd seen it all. But that "me and my daughter" one, no, hadn't seen that one yet. Thanks for the laughs. Great post.

Do you also get "I like your hair. Text me at ..."? Got two of those last week. Idiocy is pervasive.


Stephanie Faris said...

Hilarious!!! I wanted to blog about some of the crazy things I saw on when I was single. I couldn't believe what people put on their profiles. A few, like the fat guy who specified that anyone who dated him must have her "weight in check with her height." In other words, she must be thin. Yet he was fat. I pointed this out to him and, of course, he got all defensive, saying that HE worked out every day and physical fitness was important to him. Uh-huh.

ValdVin said...

As a lefty, I've read tons about cheaply tricked out stock photos used in websites and such. I'd love to see the Venn diagram intersection of guys who do this personally w.r.t. to guys who swallow this politically.

Jill Hamilton said...

Stephanie--I love that you pointed it out to him. Perhaps should hire someone to talk some sense/reality into some of the customers.

Robyn--I did not get the "I like you hair" one. And now I am kind of jealous.

Asha--It's okay, because he said he pay me back.

Tricia--I love you back.

Idaho--I wish you luck on your foolproof, money making scheme.

And Mama Holly--I SO wish I had your address so we could start sending him random items to see how he would respond.

Jill Hamilton said...

And ValdVin-- I am so in love with any comment that contains the phrase "Venn diagram."
(, make sure you include that phrase somewhere in your mass emails! It's got lady-pleasin' appeal!)

Morgan said...

So very funny ... with just a tad bit of creepy thrown in for fun! :)

Visiting from SITS :)

Harleyq said...

I think I can safely "tip my hat" to Greg for the daring in writing to Jill with his desire to know her better. Unfortunately, sending spelling and grammar errors to a writer, with whom you are trying to arouse interest in, is kind of hmmmm "schmarmy." Is that the right word? And perhaps not particularly intelligent, as writing is obviously something of great importance to her.

Remind me to never try to pick you up via email Jill, *grins*.

And I am glad you are addressing the phenomenon of email dating, affairs and relationships!! Its huge!

Carina Schoen said...

Just found your blog through SITS and I have to say: hilarious. This is what I needed to perk up my afternoon - thanks for a good laugh!

Enid Wilson said...

LOL, me and my daughter photo, without the daughter!

Chemical Fusion

Mongo, At The Moment said...

This is a riot. For the record, the photo Greg selected? You seem balanced in it, and are fortunate in possessing what my grandmother would have called "the good hair" (Based upon that alone, she would have offered you some of her Mandelbrodt, which was terrific), but you may also be in a sauna and mildly bored. Maybe that's okay, as British guys are supposed to go for that. However, I thing Greggo is less likely to be English, and is more likely from Lagos.

Gregg's photos are a lot less interesting than yours, and way more self-conscious: "I am having a picture taken of my self with my hair do"). He doesn't have the good hair, BTW. My grandmother would have denied him Mandelbrodt.

Jill Hamilton said...

Mongo, thank you and I will give neither you nor your grandmother his contact info.

ps you may be interested in this fine detective work via William Quincy Belle from the IBWMW Facebook page:

"You look hot and mentally unbalanced." I laughed out loud.

The first photo matches up with pictures of Alex Romney
The last photo links to user groups talking about scammers using stolen pictures of John Daniel, a model.
Alex Romney | VK
Alex Romney, London, United Kingdom. Log in or sign up to contact Alex Romney or find more of your friends.

Dave Fancella said...

Um, bot? Bot is obvious. It takes several exchanges before you get to talk to a living being. I know, I've followed through on a couple just to see if a human ever appears.

Also, while I haven't been attracted to you in a lot of photos, this one is different. I guess that artsy/thinking thing works for me.

A Heron's View said...

This all reminds me of some the unsolicited Skype contacts. With snatched pixelated photographs of young white women who have strangely moved to Ghana (?)
They actually never read my replies, until I tell them that their on-line persona fits in very neatly with the attitudes of money hungry male scammers and then they are gone! said...

Oh, girlfriend, I'm in stitches. We need to convene over mai tais and compare notes. Our notes would be the same, however. Too much freakin freaks out there. It's driving me bonkers. I tried to educate some in this manner. Of course it results in more cray cray messages mixed with angry name-calling cuz - you know - we're snobby b*tches for having opinions about their cray cray. Thus, three things: (1) chocolate (2) Duracell and (3) chocolate.